The best jokes (15586 to 15600)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15586 to 15600. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Two guys were cruising downtow...
Two guys were cruising downtown, hoping to improve their sex life.As they passed the mortuary, one elbows the other and says, "How 'bout stopping in for a cold one?"
Why do you do that, Mom?
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
"Why do you do that, Mom?"
"To make myself beautiful," she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue.
"What's the matter?" Johnny started. "Giving up?"
Knock Knock Collection 168
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spock!
Spock who?
Spock louder!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stacey!
Stacey who?
Stacey'ted until the bus stops!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stalin!
Stalin who?
Stalin for time!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stan!
Stan who?
Stan back or I'll shoot!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stanton!
Stanton who?
Stanton here answering questions is no fun!
Essex tongue
How to speak with an essex tongue!!alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an?item
amant-? Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")
assband? - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.
awss- A? four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost
("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver? t'day")
branna-? More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")
cort a panda - A rather large hamburger
dan in the maff- Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit?dan in the
maff")
eye-eels? - Women's shoes
Furrock? - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre
garrij -? A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")
Ibeefa -? Balaeric holiday island
lafarjik- Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")
oi oi! -? Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during? banging dance tunes at clubs
paipa -? The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport
reband-? The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from? Craig")
Saffend? - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday
tan -? The city of London, the big smoke
webbats- Querying the location something or someone is ("Webbats is me dole card, Trace? I've? gotta sign on in arf hour")
wonnid -? 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police
zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is ("I told ya a fazzand times?already")?
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman
Question Answer 06
What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!
When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!
Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!
What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!
Japanese
A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.
On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.
After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"
The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
12 shots....
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots, and starts drinking them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"
The guy says, "You would be drinking fast, too, if you had what I had."
The bartender asks, "What do you have?"
The guy answers, "75 cents."
A very shy guy goes into a bar...
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?"
Jury duty
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don't want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can't they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don't want them to know it.
Harvesting a profit...
A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends. They came to a muddy patch in the road, and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him.
He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for $50. The husband accepted, and minutes later, the car was free.
The farmer turned to the husband and said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today."
The husband looks around at the fields, incredulously, and asks the farmer, "When do you have time to plough your land? At night?
"No," the young farmer replied, seriously. "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
Chuck Norris' every step creat...
Chuck Norris' every step creates a mini whirlwind. Hurricane Katrina was the result of a morning jog.Hospital policy
A friend of mine was in the hospital awaiting the arrival of her first child. When I telephoned the hospital to see if the baby had arrived, the nurse said it had.
I asked if it was a boy or girl and was told that it was against hospital policy to give this information over the phone.
“Fine,” I said. “I can understand that. But can you tell me what she didn't have?”
“It wasn't a boy,” came the reply.
Question & Answer
Contributed by The Florida Dude
Q: What did one math book say to the other?
A: Man I got a lot of problems!
Blonde jokes-Horrific car accident
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".
Mother had just finished waxin...
Mother had just finished waxing the floors when she heard her young son opening the front door.She shouted, Be careful on that floor, Jimmy; its just been waxed.
Jimmy, walking right in, replied, Dont worry, Mom, Im wearing my cleats.
