The best jokes (15571 to 15585)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15571 to 15585. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Mimes
Whats black and white and red all over? Mimes in a chainsaw fight.Robert Schmidt 01
I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".
I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.
My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.
I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.
I had amnesia once or twice.
I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
You might be a redneck if 22
You might be a redneck if...Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the restroom was flooded.
During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom together.
You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when it gets light.
On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the keys to the tractor.
Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!"
You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going deer hunting.
In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly do?"
Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
The ocean was once fresh water...
The ocean was once fresh water but Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty.Drunk date
A guy enters a bar and orders two shots of vodka. He drinks the first and dumps the second on his right hand.He then orders a second round of shots, drinks the first and again dumps the second on his right hand.
The bartender sees this and becomes curious as the guy orders a third round and does the exact same thing.
So the bartender asks the guy, "Hey man, I hope you don't mind me asking but why the waste of good drinks?"
So the man says, "I have to get my date drunk."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Yisman
Answering Machine Message 225
(Oriental voice:) Hello, you have reached honorable Chan's residence. I, Kato, will go and get honorable Chan. (Godzilla scream.) Oh no! Godzilla coming! Please leave name and number at gong and Chan will call back if house still here.
Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating
I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it. Bad weather
This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.So the manager sent him up to room "69".
He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.
Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"
She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."
She got at it again and farted in his face.
He said, "What the hell was that?"
She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."
Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.
Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"
He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A young gay man calls home and...
A young gay man calls home and tells his Jewish mother that he has decided to go back into the closet because he has met a wonderful girl and they are going to be married. He tells his mother that he is sure she will be happier since he knows that his gay lifestyle has been very disturbing to her.She responds that she is indeed delighted and asks tentatively, "I suppose it would be too much to hope that she would be Jewish?"
He tells her that not only is the girl Jewish, but is from a wealthy Beverly Hills family. She admits she is overwhelmed by the news, and asks, "What is her name?"
He answers, "Monica Lewinsky."
There is a long pause, then his mother asks, "What happened to that nice Catholic boy you were dating last year?"
Christopher Titus: Post-Weiner Politics
Im thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone Ive tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.An old man was relaxing at his
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him. "Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every evening at 9 p.m. I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter then asked, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "Well, canceling my voyage on Titanic sure didn't hurt."
Happy New Year…Is Everybody Happy!!!??? (Author A. Nonymous)
Hi, this is Stephanie's answering machine.
If you're the phone company asking for money, stop bugging her, she'll send it sooner or later. If you're a TV company advertising TVs, she already has a TV with every channel known to man, and several known to monkeys.
If you called for any other reasons, please hang up the phone, start screaming, and run to the nearest shoe store. When you get there, ask them for a cheeseburger. (This probably won't help you, but we'll always have something to laugh about when we're bored.)
