The best jokes (15571 to 15585)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15571 to 15585. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
“I went to the theatr...
“I went to the theatre, it looked a bit suspicious. I reckon the whole thing was staged.”
Short funny jokes-Preying
Husband: “Don't you panic, it will find nothing.”
Missed it
A busload of tourists arrives at Runnymede, just west of central London.
They gather around the guide who says: “This is the spot where the barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A guy at the front of the crowd asks: "When did that happen?”
“1215,” answers the guide.
The man looks at his watch and says: “Damn! Missed it by a half hour.”
Little Johnny and the math teacher...
The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 4, 2, 28 and 44?"
Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO, and the Cartoon Network!"
Phone Book
Two salesmen were writing up their orders when the conversation came around to last night's big date. "So, how'd it go, Harry?" asked Gil.
"Terrible," admitted Harry. "The moment we got back to her place the phone started ringing. There must have been fifteen calls from guys wanting to ask her out. It never stopped, and we never got started."
Gil tried to comfort him. "It could have been worse, Harry. After all, an attractive young woman's allowed to have her number in the phone book, now isn't she?"
"Yeah, but not in the Yellow Pages."
Go to school!
Mom was trying to get her son to get out of bed and get ready for school. "I am not going to school!" the son responded defiantly.
"Why not?" Mom wanted to know.
"Well, first of all I hate school and second of all ..the kid all hate me!!" was the answer.
"Son, that's not good reasons..you will have to get up and ready for school!" Mom replied.
"Well, give me two good reasons why I should," the son said.
"Well," Mom said quietly, "First of all you are 52 years old and second of all...You are the Principal."
Two Drops
A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said, "I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet of you. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age, you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
Clearer instructions
Well, I needed the groceries, so I did as told. But not before I had made a mental note to file a complaint with the management.
There was some screaming and shrieking and I finally realized that he was referring to my credit card.
I have been debarred from entering the supermarket premises.
Don't you think we seniors deserve clearer instructions?
Answering Machine Message 195
Hello, please send me email instead. I always never playback these stupid answering machine messages. Besides, I am probably online right now.
The first suit?
A little boy opened the big, old family Bible with fascination and looked at the old pages as he turned them.
Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.
"What have you got there, dear?" his mother asked.
With astonishment in his voice, the young boy answered: "I think it's Adam's suit!"
cross examination
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for you daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
Like undies
Passwords are like undies. Do you know why?
- Well for starters, one should not be leave them out where others can see them.
- The need to be changed regularly
- And lastly, they should not be passed on to strangers.
Q: What does every woman...
Q: What does every woman call an intelligent, attractive, caring, loving and sensitive man?
A: A dream.
An Antartian is terribly overw...
An Antartian is terribly overweight, so his doctor puts him on a diet."I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks," the doctor ordered. "The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."
When the Antartian returns, he's lost nearly 20 pounds.
"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said. "Did you follow my instructions?"
The Antartian nods, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."
"From hunger, you mean?" the doc questioned.
"No, from skipping."
