The best jokes (15571 to 15585)

The Art Of Falling Apart

There's quite an art to falling apart as the years go by,
And life doesn't begin at 40. That's a big fat lie.

My hair's getting thinner, my body is not;
The few teeth I have are beginning to rot.

I smell of Vick's-Vapo-Rub, not Chanel #5;
My new pacemaker's all that keeps me alive.

When asked of my past, every detail I'll know,
But what was I doing 10 minutes ago?

Well, you get the idea, what more can I say?
I'm off to read the obit, like I do every day;

If my name's not there, I'll once again start
Perfecting the art of falling apart!

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl stri...

Chuck Norris doesn't bowl strikes, he just knocks down one pin and the other nine faint.

Business one-liners 65

If ignorance is bliss, most of us must be orgasmic.

If it can be borrowed and it can be broken, you will borrow it and you will break it.

If it doesn't make sense, it's either economics or psychology.

If it doesn't work, expand it.

If it happens, it must be possible.

If it is good, they will stop making it.

If it is incomprehensible, it's mathematics.

If it is worth doing, it is worth doing for money.

If it is worth doing, it is worth over-doing.

If it jams, force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Neal Brennan: Shut It Down

If you work in porn, I dont know if you and your coworkers know this, but we have enough porn. You dont have to keep making it. You did a great job, we appreciate your service, but you can shut it down.

Passing A School Bus

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
"Unlawful to Pass School Bus from Either Direction"
I guess that some people misunderstood that, because now it reads:
"Unlawful to Pass Stopped School Bus from Either Direction".

A blonde, a brunette and a red...

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead went into a bar and asked the bartender:

Brunette: "I'll have a B and C."
Bartender:"What is a B and C?".
Brunette: "Bourbon and Coke."

Redhead: "And, I'll have a G and T."
Bartender: "What's a G and T?"
Redhead: "Gin and tonic."

Blonde: "I'll have a 15."
Bartender: "What's a 15?"
Blonde: "7 and 7"

Three Days After Easter

Following the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages.
John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news."
Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?"
John says, "The good news is Christ is risen."
Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?"
John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."
From EasterHumor.com

Holy Shot!

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and wont be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, Are you really going to let him get away with this? No, I guess not, says God. The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesnt bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, Why did you let him do that? To this God says, Whos he going to tell?

Better Than Pork

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

A mathematician, an accountant...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"

...

Answering Machine Message 152

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Eagles and Weasels

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

At graduation, everybody is go...

At graduation, everybody is going to get their diploma but Tom. At the assembly Tom’s entire senior class screams “Let Tom graduate, let Tom graduate!” The principal in a moment of weakness agrees to give Tom one last chance. “If I have five peaches in my left hand and five peaches in my right hand, Tom, how many peaches do I have?” he asked. Tom thought long and hard and then said: “ten.” And the entire senior class stood up and shouted. “Give Tom another chance. Give Tom another chance!”

I Get No Respect 03

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"
"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"
"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"
"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.
"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii...No days..just nights."
"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."
"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."
"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"
"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."