The best jokes (15571 to 15585)

Hole in One

There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course.

An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement.

The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away (as they say in basketball, nothing but net). A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited.

The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him."

God smiled. "Think about it -- who can he tell?"

Genesis rewritten....

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let Us make man in Our image, after Our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created man in His own image; male and female created He them.

And God looked upon man and woman and saw that they were lean and fit. And the devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with broccoli and cauliflower and spinach and green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so man and woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the devil created McDonald's. And McDonald's brought forth the 79-cent double cheeseburger.

And the devil said to man: "You want fries with that?" And man said, "Supersize them." And man gained five pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair. And the devil brought forth chocolate. And woman gained five pounds.

And God said, "Try My crispy fresh salad."

And the devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the devil brought forth chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof. And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds.

And the devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, devil." And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And the devil created sour cream dip. And man clutched his remote control and ate the potato chips swaddled in cholesterol. And the devil saw and said, "It is good."

And man went into cardiac arrest. And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery. And the devil canceled man's health insurance.

Then God showed woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice. And God created the life-giving tofu. And woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked man, "Do I look fat?"

And the devil said, "Always tell the truth."

And man did. And woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor. And woman put aside the seeds of the earth and took unto herself comfort food.

And God brought forth Weight Watchers. It didn't help.

And God created exercise machines with easy payments. And man brought forth his Visa at 21 percent. And the exercise machine went to dwell in the closet of Nod, east of the polyester leisure suit. And in the fullness of time, woman received the exercise machine from man in the property settlement.

It didn't help her, either.

Rory Albanese: Penis Naming

I like when tough guys like to name their penises. Thats always weird. If youre really tough, you give your penis a female name. Thats a man. Show up to an orgy like, Ladies, meet Karen.

“Astral projection to...

“Astral projection to church is mass tranceportation.”

Glenn Wool: Uncle Sam

You know who Uncle Sam is, hes that goat-faced dude who dresses like Apollo Creed. Hes always pointing at you. He wants you. Is that really the imagery we should be listening to? An uncle who looks like hes about to touch you? Uncle Sam wants you to keep a secret.

A Collection Of Insults

A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.

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A few guppies short of an aquarium.
A few inches short of a foot/yard.
A few kernels short of an ear.
A few kopeks short of a ruble.
A few links shy of a chain.
A few measures short of a staff.
A few open splices.
A few peas short of a pod/casserole.
A few pickles short of a jar.
A few pies short of a holiday.
A few planes short of an Air Force / hangar.
A few points short of a polygon.
A few revisions behind.
A few sandwiches/apples/ants short of a picnic.
A few screws loose.

A man goes to see his bank man

A man goes to see his bank manager one day and says: "I'd like to start a small business. How do I go about it?"
"That's simple," replies the bank manager. "All you have to do is buy a big one and wait."

GPS Cat

There was a man who couldn’t stand his wife’s cat. So, one day, he decided to get rid of him by dumping him a long way away from the house.
He put the cat in the car and drove about 20 blocks away, then he left him at the park. But when he got home, the cat was there as if nothing had happened.
The next day he decided to take the cat somewhere further away, about 50 blocks. He put him out of the car and drove home. And again, the cat was there waiting for him. ‘This is impossible,’ said the man to himself. ‘tomorrow I’ll make sure he can’t come back!’
The next day he puts the cat in the car and he drives around, taking turn after turn – right, left, right, right and so on. Eventually, after about an hour of driving, he finally lets the cat out and drives home.
A few hours later, the phone rings at his house and his wife answers it. It’s the husband, and he asks: “Is the cat there?” “Why, yes.” says the wife, “he’s been here quite a while, where are you?”
“Please put himon the phone, I’m lost and I need directions.”

The junior executive had been

The junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains. Neither one could account for his trouble.
Arriving home from work one night, he informed her. "I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."

Who Is the Real Virgin?

A ten-year-old, under the tutelage of her grandmother, was becoming knowledgeable about the Bible. But one day, she surprised her grandmother by asking, "Which virgin was the mother of Jesus? The Virgin Mary or the King James Virgin?"

 Answering Machine Message 29

Thank you for calling 217-2962. If you wish to speak to Tim, push 1 on your touch tone phone now. If you wish to speak to Lynn, push 2 on your touch tone phone now. If you have a wrong number, push 3 on your touch tone phone now. All of this button pushing doesn't do anything, but it is a good way to work off anger, and it makes us feel like we have a big time phone system.

The mother of a 17-year-old gi...

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms.
The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: "Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Susan!"

A weaver bird

“A weaver bird uses its beak to construct its nest. The definitive book on weaver birds is entitled 'To Call a Smocking Bird.'”

Hebebeegees

“The hebebeegees is an irrational fear of disco bands retiring to grow flowering evergreen shrubs.”

Poisonous Snake

2 friends were camping out one night, when all of the sudden one of them jumps up screaming, "A SNAKE JUST BIT ME ON THE TIP OF MY PENIS!!".
The other friend said, "don't worry, I am going to town to find a doctor, I will be right back!".
So he goes to town, and finally finds a doctor.
"Doctor!! My friend just got bit by a snake!!!" the friend says. "It's ok", the doctor says, "all you have to do is suck the poison out.".
The friend says thank you, and runs back to the camp site. The injured friends asks, "WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY? WHAT DID HE SAY?"
The other friend replies, "doctor said you gonna die!"