The best jokes (15556 to 15570)

Prove your identity...

George W. Bush, Albert Einstein and Pablo Picasso have all died.

Due to a glitch in the mundane/celestial time-space continuum, all three arrive at the Pearly Gates more or less simultaneously, even though their deaths have taken place decades apart.

The first to present himself to Saint Peter is Einstein. Saint Peter questions him. "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths certain people will go to, to sneak into Heaven under false pretenses. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?" Saint Peter complies with a snap of his fingers.

The blackboard and chalk instantly appear. Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his special theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really *are* Einstein! Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Picasso. Once again Saint Peter asks for his credentials. Picasso doesn't hesitate. "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?" Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Picasso erases Einstein's scribbles and proceeds to sketch out a truly stunning mural. Bulls, satyrs, nude women: he captures their essences with but a few strokes of the chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be! Come on in!"

The last to arrive is George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head. "Einstein and Picasso both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered, "Who are Einstein and Picasso?"

Saint Peter sighs, "Come on in, George."

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS ...

TOP TEN LIST- THE LAST THINGS A WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY

10. Could our relationship be more physical? I'm tired of being just friends.
9. Go ahead and leave the seat up. It's easier for me to douche that way.
8. Hey, get a whiff of that one!
7. Please don't throw that old T-shirt away. The holes in the armpits are too cute.
6. This diamond is just way too big.
5. Does this make my ass look too small.
4. I'm wrong, you must be right again.
3. Wow! It really is 14 inches!
2. I think hairy balls are so sexy.
1. I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.

Rosebuds...

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Deep Thoughts 07

Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis.
If you were a poor Indian with no weapons, and a bunch of conquistadors came up to you and asked where the gold was, I don't think it would be a good idea to say, "I swallowed it. So sue me."
I bet the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
I can still recall old Mister Barnslow getting out every morning and nailing a fresh load of tadpoles to the old board of his. Then he'd spin it round and round, like a wheel of fortune, and no matter where it stopped he'd yell out, "Tadpoles! Tadpoles is a winner!" We all thought he was crazy. But then we had some growing up to do.
When you go in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
What is it that makes a complete stranger dive into an icy river to save a solid gold baby? Maybe we'll never know.
We tend to scoff at the beliefs of the ancients. But we can't scoff at them personally, to their faces, and this is what annoys me.

Real News Headlines 13

Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of "Anguished English".
On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.
The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.
With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.
A purple lady's bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.
Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor's task force on driving while intoxicated.
He hasn't even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.
Montreal police don't hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.
A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

Aussies: Dislike being mistake...

Aussies: Dislike being mistaken for Pommies (Brits) when abroad.
Canadians: Are rather indignant about being mistaken for Americans when abroad.

A college physics professor wa...

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” one young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. “So how does physics save lives?”
The professor stared at the student for a long time without saying a word. Finally the professor continued.
“Physics saves lives,” he said, “because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”

Murphy's Law of Toast Murphy's Law of Toast

The probability of the toast landing jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

#joke #short

More La...

More Laws of Work

1 Anyone can do any work provided it isn't what they're supposed to be doing.

2 Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the post.

3 If you're good, you'll get all the work. If you're really good, you'll avoid it.

4 A person's authority is inversely proportional to the number of pens they carry.

5 You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.

6 The longer the title, the less important the job.

7 Success is just a matter of luck, just ask any failure.

8 Once a job is fouled up, anything done to improve it only makes it worse.

9 The more pretentious a company name, the smaller the organisation.

10 Never ask two questions in memo. The reply will discuss only the unimportant one.

Tony Rock: Difference in the Clothes

White people cant tell the difference between hard, honest working black people and criminal black people, because we all basically dress the same. We all basically wear jeans, boots, sometimes an occasional baseball hat -- yall cant tell. But see, black people, we can just look at what a white persons wearing and tell this guys messed up -- get away from this guy -- because all the bad white people wear the same exact thing: police uniforms.

“Hello, Operator. You gave me...

“Hello, Operator. You gave me the wrong number.” The young man was quite peeved about it. I’m calling HOpe5567. “There is no such exchange as Rope,” said the operator.
“Hope,” replied the man angrily. “H like in Harry, O for Otto, P for Peter and E for Edward.” “Gee,” said the operator, “that phone booth must be awfully crowded.
But what number do you want?”

Attending a wedding for the fi...

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "why is the bride dressed in white?" "Because white is the color of happiness," her mother explained. "And today is the happiest day in her life." The child thought about this for a moment. "So why is the groom wearing black?"

Kurt Metzger: Mayan Calendar and 2012

Why would they know the end of the world? They didnt have any pants. Did you know that? They didnt have the invention of pants. You think you can crack the secrets of the universe but not the secret of pockets? They just made a lot of calendars and they never said its the end of the world -- goofy white people made that up.

A man walking his three legged...

A man walking his three legged dog near Wembley finds a lamp, He rub it and out pops a genie. The genie says "I'll grant you one wish."

"Can you make my dog win Crufts" says the man.

"What with only three legs? Wish again" says the genie

"Okay." Says the bloke,"Can you arrange for England to win the World Cup?"

The genie ponders before telling him: "Lets have a look at that dog again."

Great To Be A Woman

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

1. Free drinks.
   
2. Free dinners.
   
3. Free movies.
   
4. Speeding ticket? What's that?
   
5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
   
6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
   
7. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
   
8. You can sleep your way to the top.
   
9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
   
10. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
    
11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
    
12. Brad Pitt.
    
13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
    
14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
    
15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
    
16. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
    
17. You have the ability to dress yourself.
    
18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
    
19. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
    
20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
    
21. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
    
22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
    
23. You've never had a goatee.
    
24. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
    
25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    
26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
    
27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.