The best jokes (15541 to 15555)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15541 to 15555. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Get Your Ire Up
Three Englishmen were getting soused in a pub, when they spotted an Irishman sitting off in the corner. To have a little fun, one of them approached him."Did y'know that St. Patrick was a sissy?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The man returned to his friends, complaining that it hadn't worked. The second decided to try.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was a transvestite?"
"Oh, no, I dinnae know that. Thank ye."
The second man returned to his friends, amazed that it hadn't worked. The third man knew he had the solution.
"Did y'know that St. Patrick was an Englishman?"
"Oh, no. But that's what y'r friends hae been trying to tell me."
When the porn star advertised ...
When the porn star advertised a free orgy, she was unprepared for the onslot.Moving Testimony
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher which made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say, 'Look! He's moving!'"
It is believed dinosaurs are e...
It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.Gabriel Iglesias: Landing in Phoenix
I got off the plane -- I was walking and cooking at the same time.A schoolteacher asked her prim...
A schoolteacher asked her primary six class to construct sentences with the words: defeat, detail, defense.There was a pause before a pupil raised his hand and said he could make a sentence with them; "The cow jumped over defense and detail went over defeat."
Flustered
As an instructor in driver education at the local area High School, I've learned that even the brightest students can become flustered behind the wheel.One day I had three beginners in the car, each scheduled to drive for 30 minutes.
When the first student had completed his time, I asked him to change places with one of the others.
Gripping the wheel tightly and staring straight ahead, he asked in a shaky voice, “Should I stop the car first?”
Turn Back Your Car Odometer
A blonde made several attempts to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems finding a buyer because the car had 340,000 miles on it. She discussed her problem with a brunette that she worked with at a bar.
The brunette suggested, "There may be a chance to sell that car easier, but it's not going to be legal."
"That doesn't matter at all," replied the blonde. "All that matters it that I am able to sell this car."
"Alright," replied the brunette. In a quiet voice, she told the blonde: "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop around here. Tell him I sent you, and he will turn the counter back on your car to 40,000 miles. Then it shouldn't be a problem to sell your car."
The following weekend, the blonde took a trip to the mechanic on the brunette's advice.
About one month after that, the brunette saw the blonde and asked, "Did you sell your car?"
"No!" replied the blonde. "Why should I? It only has 40,000 miles on it."
Iliza Shlesinger: Season Change
I was in New York last Christmas, its snowing, theres a guy in a t-shirt. Im like, Dude, arent you cold? No, Im from New York, I dont get cold. Just cause youre from a cold place doesnt mean youre genetically predisposed to not feeling cold. Youre not a penguin. I was like, In fact sir, youre Puerto Rican, so if anything, you should be more cold.Jonah Ray: Seeing Dan Aykroyd
You get to run into these random celebrities; theyre just walking around. And I remember, one time, I ran into Dan Aykroyd, and I was like, Oh my God, Dan Aykroyd! This is awesome! You know -- early Saturday Night Live days, Ghostbusters. And I got really excited, and I went up to him, but he got angry at me when I asked for his autograph. And I think its because I also asked him to sign it, The Old Dan Aykroyd.An Englishman, a Sco
One day, an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Guinness.Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH BEGORRAH! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
Marriage quotes 07
If your wife wants to learn how to drive, don't stand in her way.In marriage, as in war, it is permitted to take every advantage of the enemy.
In marriage, the bridge gets a shower. But for the groom, it's curtains!
Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. -- Rich Little
Joint Checking Account: a handly little device which permits my wife to beat me to the draw.
Long engagements give people the opportunity of finding out each other's character before marriage, which is never advisable. -- Oscar Wilde
Losing a wife can be hard. In my case, it was almost impossible.
Love thy neighbor, but make sure her husband is away first.
Love: An obsessive delusion that is cured by marriage.
Man and wife make one fool.
Why you shouldn'
A man had called a local paint company and asked if they had anyone who could come over and do some painting that day. The company sent a blonde right over to do the job. The man meet the woman at the front door and asked her how much she would charge him to paint his porch. She stated that she would charge him 25$. He thought to himself "what a deal" since his porch was a long wrap around. The blonde also added that she would be done by the end of the day. The man thought to himself, "this is too good to be true!" and left for work for the day. When he arrived home he noticed that his porch didn't even have a drop of paint on it. He went around the back and shrieked in horror as he seen the blonde putting the last bit of green paint on his new firebird."what did you do to my firebird!" shrieked the man.
"....Firebird?"
questioned the blonde.
"...and all this time I thought it was the porsche"
