The best jokes (15541 to 15555)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 15541 to 15555. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
The golf challange...
The Pope met with his Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Benjamin Netanyahu, the leader of Israel. "Your Holiness", said one of his Cardinals, Mr. Netanyahu wants to challenge you to a game of golf to show the friendship and ecumenical spirit shared by the Jewish and Catholic faiths."
The Pope thought this was a good idea, but he had never held a golf club in his hand. "Don't we have a Cardinal to represent me?" he asked.
"None that plays very well," a Cardinal replied. "But," he added, "there is a man named Jack Nicklaus, an American golfer who is a devout Catholic. We can offer to make him a Cardinal, then ask him to play Mr. Netanyahu as your personal representative. In addition, to showing our spirit of cooperation, we'll also win the match."
Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made. Of course, Nicklaus was honored and agreed to play. The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of the result. "I have some good news and some bad news, your Holiness, " said the golfer.
"Tell me the good news first, Cardinal Nicklaus," said the Pope.
"Well, your Holiness, I don't like to brag, but even though I've played some pretty terrific rounds of golf in my life, this was the best I have ever played, by far. I must have been inspired from above. My drives were long and true, my irons were accurate and purposeful, and my putting was perfect. With all due respect, my play was truly miraculous.
"There's bad news?", the Pope asked.
"Yes," Nicklaus sighed. "I lost to Rabbi Tiger Woods by seven strokes."
Routine physical
A man goes to a doctor for a routine physical. The nurse starts with the basics.
“How much do you weigh?” she asks.
“Oh, about 165.” he says.
The nurse puts him on the scale. It turns out that his weight is 187. The nurse asks, “Your height?”
“Oh, about six feet,” he says.
The nurse checks and sees that he's only 5 feet 8 3/4 inches. She then takes his blood pressure, and it's very high.
“High!” The man explains, “Of course it's high. When I came in here, I was tall and lanky. Now, I'm short and fat!”
A wife went to the police stat...
A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description. She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, has dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children." The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children." The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"
A teacher asked little Jo...
A teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his 1 to 10 well
"Yes! Of course! My pop taught me...even more than 10"
"Good. What comes after three?”
"Four," answers the boy.
"What comes after six?"
"Seven."
"Very good," says the teacher. "Your erm...dad did a good job. Now...so what comes after...lets say ten?"
"A jack"
The Top 15 Thanksgiving-Themed Movies
15. To Kill A Walking Bird
14. My Best Friend's Dressing
13. Thighs Wide Shut
12. The Texas Coleslaw Massacre
11. Casserolablanca
10. The Fabulous Baster Boys
9. 12 Hungry Men
8. Silence of the Yams
7. For Love of The Game Hen
6. I Know What You Ate Last Winter
5. All the President's Menu
4. White Meat Can't Jump
3. When Harry Met Salad
2. The Story of U.S.
and the Number 1 Upcoming Thanksgiving-Themed Movie…
1. The Wing and I
Source: Good Clean Fun
Funny jokes-Face to face
BERT: No, what happened? FRED: Well, I stood there, without a gun . . . The gorilla looked at me and snarled and roared and beat his chest. Then it came closer and closer . . .
BERT: What did you do?
FRED: Oh, I'd had enough, so I moved on to the next cage.
If College Students Wrote the Bible:
The Ten Commandments would actually be only five, double-spaced and written in a large font.
Paul's letter to the Romans would become Paul's email to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
Reason Moses and followers walked in the desert for 40 years: They didn't want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh, He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
Hilarious jokes-Roustabout
Immediately, the roustabout drops all his tools, walks over to the microphone and goes "Ladeeeees and Gentlemen and Children of Aaaaall Ages…!"
Funny jokes-Walking on water
The priest was the next to make the trip, getting out of the boat, walking across the water, disappearing into the trees, then walking back across the water and returning to the boat.
The professional poker player was the last to go. He stepped out of the boat and immediately sank. The pastor looked at the priest and said: "You really should have told him where the rocks are."
Fun Things To Do In An Elevato...
Fun Things To Do In An Elevator:1. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
2. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
3. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
4. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
5. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
6. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral
7. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
8. Meow occasionally.
9. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
10. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
An elderly couple was in bed o...
An elderly couple was in bed one night and the woman woke up from a bad dream. She was scared and panicking. Her husband awoke and turned the light on to calm her. He asked what was wrong. She said "I had a dream that I died and you got remarried." she asked him "if I died tomorrow would you get remarried?" he said "sure, I don’t want to spend the rest of my life lonely." then she asked "well would you two live in this house?" he replied "sure, we just got finished paying off our mortgage." she asked again, angry now "well would she sleep in this bed?" he snickered and said "yes, of course, this bed is brand new and expensive, there's no reason to rid of it." she asked irately, "well would she use my golf clubs?" he replied with a straight, serious face "no. She's left handed."Spock was an organ donor. R...
Spock was an organ donor. “Leave lung and prosper.“To celebrate their fiftieth we...
To celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary, a couple returned to their honeymoon hotel.After retiring to bed, the wife said, Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair? and so he stroked her hair.
She reminded him of the way they had cuddled, and so they did.
Then, with a sigh, she whispered, Wont you nibble my ear again?
With that, the husband got out of bed and left the room.
Where are you going? cried the wife.
To get my teeth, he said.
