The best jokes (15526 to 15540)

Confucius says

Confucius says:

'Passionate kiss, like spider's web, soon lead to undoing of fly.'

'Virginity like bubble. One prick and all gone.'

'Man who run in front of car get tired.'

'Man who run behind car get exhausted.'

'Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.'

'Foolish man give wife grand piano. Wise man give wife upright organ.'

'Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways is going to Bangkok.'

'Man who scratches arse must not bite fingernails.'

'Man who eats many prunes gets good run for money.'

'Baseball all wrong. Man with four balls not able to walk.'

'Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.'

‘War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.'

'Man who sleep in cathouse by day sleep in doghouse by night.'

'Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.'

'It takes many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.'

'Man who drive like hell bound to get there.'

‘Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.'

'Man who lives in glasshouse should change in basement.'

‘He who fishes in other man's well often catches crabs.'

'Man who farts in church sits in own pew.'

'Man with one chopstick go hungry.'

Gray on the Inside

Q: Whats gray on the inside and clear on the outside?
A: An elephant in a plastic bag.

When seeing Swan Lake, should ...

When seeing Swan Lake, should you opt for ballet parking?

You May Be a Taliban If...

1.. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to liquor.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can’t afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare hand, but consider bacon “unclean.”
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can’t think of anyone you haven’t declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least four.
10. You’ve always had a crush on your neighbor’s goat.

Tuscany is a s...

Tuscany is a slum! Everyone lives in chianti-towns. And I don't mean to grape, but  in some French regions, all the houses are bordeauxed up. What a bunch of vine-os - the lowest of the Merlot!

The Hippie and the Spice Rack

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and a hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues. So what was he doing then? asks the physician. Acid? Cannabis? Sort of, replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. But we ran out of gear, so I skinned up a homemade spliff. And what was in that? asks the doctor. Um, I kind of raided my girlfriends spice rack. says the hippie. There was a bit of cumin, some turmeric and a little paprika. Well, that explains it, the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. He is in a Korma.

The Hamster Show

A guy walks into a bar and asks the bartender if he will give him a free beer if he shows him something amazing. The bartender agrees, so the guys pulls out a hamster, who begins dancing and singing "Tuff Enuff" by the Fabulous Thunderbirds.

"That IS amazing!" says the bartender and gives the guy his free beer.

"If I show you something else amazing, will you give me another beer?" The bartender agrees, so the guy pulls out a small piano and a hamster and a frog. Now the hamster plays the piano while the frog dances and sings "You Ain't Seen Nothing Yet" by Bachman-Turner Overdrive.

The bartender, completely wowed, gives him another beer. A man in a suit, who's been watching the entire time, offers to buy the frog for a princely sum, which the man agrees to.

"Are you nuts?" asks the bartender. "You could've made a fortune off that frog."

"Can you keep a secret?" asks the man. "The hamster's a ventriloquist."

Drinking Politics

A man wearing a Democratic pin walks into a bar and sees a picture of President Bush hanging behind the bartender. He calls the bartender over and says, "You should take that picture down. George Bush is a blight upon this nation. He should be impeached."
The bartender, a life-long Republican, is completely offended. "Why you liberal piece of garbage. How dare you come into my bar and tell me how to run my business!"
"Listen, I'm the customer, so I'm always right." the man says. "That picture offends me, so I want you to take it down."
"That tears it," the bartender says, "How would you like it if I came into your bar and told you what to do?"
"Well, you'd be the customer, so you'd be right," the man says.
"Fine, then let's switch places," the bartender says.
So, they do. The man takes the bartender's place behind the bar, and the bartender walks outside, waits a moment, and then comes back inside. The bartender sits at the bar and says to the bar, "You should take that pin off. The Democrats are destroying our country with their liberal agenda."
"Sorry," the man says, "but we don't serve Republicans here."

Is it true Aristotle invented ...

Is it true Aristotle invented the sperm bank? No, but he did popularize the silo jism.

Knock Knock Collection 028

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Brewster!
Brewster who?
Brewsters can wake you up in the morning singing cock-a-doodle doo!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Bridget!
Bridget who?
London Bridget, is falling down, falling down...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Brie!
Brie who?
Brie me my supper!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Brigham!
Brigham who?
Drigham back my sunshine back to me...!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Burns!
Burns who?
Durns me up!

Lightbulb Joke Collection 96

Q: How many firemen does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four--one to change the bulb and three to cut a hole in the roof.
Q: How many mutants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two thirds.
Q: How many waiters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, even a burned out bulb can't catch a waiter's eye.
Q: How many waitresses does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. Two to stand around complaining about it and one to go get the manager.
Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he doesn't know where it came from.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
Q: How many Contras does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he needs one Iranian, one Israeli, four Canadians, and Arab, twenty Swiss, and Afghan, and Oliver North to help him.
Note: Topical to the 1987 Iran/Contra hearings.
Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he uses a chainsaw.
Q: How many loggers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They can't do it, the light will disturb the spotted owls.
Note : Topical to successful environmentalist pressures to stop logging in the NW U.S. to protect the endangered spotted owl species.

Knock Knock Collection 145

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Passion!
Passion who?
Passion through and I thought I'd say hello!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pasture!
Pasture who?
Pasture bedtime isn't it!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Pat!
Pat who?
Pat yourself on the back!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paul!
Paul who?
Paul up a chair and I'll tell you!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Paula!
Paula who?
Paula up the door handle will you and let me in!

Telemarketer strategy

I used to hate it when telemarketers would call but nowadays I welcome them with open arms. Their calls are opportunities for me to turn the tables and inconvenience them instead of them inconveniencing me. Perhaps they have now blacklisted me because I don't get as many calls as I used to but when my caller ID box shows “Private Caller” my adrenaline rushes and I am ready to play.

One of the new ploys that telemarketers are using is to call you electronically. You pick up the phone to hear a recorded voice say, “Please stay on the line for an important message.” They actually expect you to wait on hold while they take their sweet time before getting around to selling you something.

The last time I got one of these calls, I put on some classical music and waited for someone to greet me. As soon as I heard the telemarketer say hello, I said in my best radio advertiser voice, “Your call is important to us. Please stay on the line. Our next available representative will be with you shortly.” I let the music play and would repeat those phrases at thirty second intervals.

Finally I turned off the music and said, “Hello?”

“Hello, this is Jane with Allied Travel. How are you today?”

“Well, my gouts been acting up, I've got terrible hemorrhoids, I've got poison ivy on the bottom of my feet and I just ate a pizza so the heartburn will be coming on soon.”

“I'm sorry to hear that sir but I'm calling to tell you about some of our exciting travel packages that …”

I interrupted her, “You don't really care about how I'm doing, do you?”

“Why, sure I do?”

“You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?”

“Well sir, I can't do that right now. I have to call people and tell them about our travel packages.”

“You can use my phone. Come on over.”

“I'm afraid I can't do that.”

“You don't like me do you?”

“Of course I like you sir.”

“So why won't you come over?”

“Well, I'm working.”

“I got some pork rinds and some Pepsi and I could fry up a little fatback if you'd like.”

“Boy, that sounds real tempting but I'll have to take a rain check on that.”

“Okay, how about tomorrow then?”

“I can't. I'm working.”

“How about the day after tomorrow then?”

“Actually sir, I'm not supposed to get too personal with the people I call.”

“Why'd you ask me how I was doing then?”

“That's just a courtesy.”

“You don't like me do you?”

“Yes sir. I like you just fine.”

“So … You want to come over and throw some horseshoes?”

(click)

The Trouble With Email

It's wise to remember how easily email can be misused, sometimes unintentionally, with serious consequences.
Consider the case of the Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick email.
Unfortunately, when typing her address, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her email, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

A rich millionaire throws a ma...

A rich millionaire throws a massive party for his 50th birthday. During this party, he grabs the microphone and announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two great white sharks in it.

"I will give anything of mine to the man who swims across that pool."

So the party continues with no events in the pool until SUDDENLY there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool a man is swimming as hard as he can and fins come out of the water and jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going. The sharks are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.

The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, "I am a man of my word. Anything of mine I will give: my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?"

The guy grabs the microphone and says, "Why don't we start with the name of the jerk who pushed me in!"