The best jokes (15751 to 15765)

Two hunters were dragging thei

Two hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car. Another hunter approached pulling his along too.
"Hey, I don't want to tell you how to do something, but I can tell you that it's much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won't dig into the ground."
After the third hunter left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, "You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!"
"Yeah, but we're getting farther from the truck," the other added.

Discount Grocery Store

My niece, Sue, plans to open a discount grocery store where everything expires in a week...
She's going to call it Best By...

Three Questions

The cop asked, "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?"
The miner replied, "Mine."

Punning in Japanese requires l

Punning in Japanese requires lifelong dedication. It helps to have a good sensei humour.

Stop Ringing My Phone

Whoever lost their iPhone outside the bar...
Please stop ringing my new phone!

Holiday Help

"How's the new turkey you hired on as temp IT Assistant?"
"Well, she's good at de-bugging, and works for chickenfeed. But her typing is atrocious--all she can do is hunt & peck."

Canine tooth

A dog and a cat are having an argument about which one a human prefers.
The dog says, "Humans like us more. They have even named a tooth after us!"
The cat smiles and says, "You are really not going to win this one you know!"

A Termite walks into a bar
And says is the bar tender here

5 new jokes from the High Plains Comedy Festival

I’m from Texas.
I don’t sound like it – because I learned to read.”
~Usama Siddiquee

I’m polyamorous.
That means I love cats and dogs equally.”
~Mishka Shubaly

Once you reach age 35, you are not allowed to go on vacation alone.
It creeps everybody out.”
~Graham Kay

I might have kids someday. I don’t know.
Right now, I dont have time to come home and let them out.”
~Beth Stelling

My boyfriend and I just went to a destination wedding.
… Yeah, it was in Hell.”
~Katie Hannigan

Three men are talking about their skydiving experiences...

Three men are talking about their skydiving experiences at a bar and how their parachute failed until the last possible moments.

The first man starts describing his story, “well i jumped from 5,000ft and was supposed to pull my parachute at 2,500ft but when I did, nothing happened. I tried again and again, at 2,000ft still nothing, 1,500ft approached and still nothing! Finally, at 1000ft my parachute opened and i landed safely, only slightly injuring my ankle”.

The second man responds, “Pffft! That’s nothing! When I went sky diving, I jumped from 7,000ft and was supposed to pull my parachute at 3,000ft. As 3,000ft approaches, nothing happened, 2,500ft approaches, still nothing. 2000ft comes and passes, 1500ft comes and passes and still nothing. 1,000ft passes, i'm pulling hard and still nothing. At 700ft, finally, the parachute opens and I land safely with only a twisted ankle and bruised shoulder”.

By now the three men have gathered a crowd and the third man scoffs, “You all got off easy, When I went skydiving I jumped from 10,000ft!! At 3,000ft I pulled my parachute and nothing happened. I kept tugging at it harder and harder and at 2,000 ft it opened but was tangled so i had to cut it and tug on my emergency parachute. But that one wouldn’t open either! 1500ft pass, 1000ft pass, 700ft pass and at 400ft my parachute finally opens. I land and break both my legs but with a story to tell”.

The crowd, gasps and whispers hearing the eventful incidents of the three men before a man from the crowd come is, “All your stories are futile! When I went skydiving i jumped from 15,000ft! 15 bloody thousand feet. I pulled on the rope to release my parachute at 3,000ft and nothing, I kept tugging and nothing happened, 2,000ft passed, 1500ft passes, 1000ft passes, 700ft passed, 400ft passes, 200ft passes, 100ft passed and still nothing! The bloody parachute wouldn't come out no matter how hard i pulled! 50ft passed and so did 20ft. I was falling fast, past 10 ft and reached 5ft!"

At this stage one of the people gasps from the crowd, "and what happened next??".

The man replies, "well 5ft isn't too high up so i just jumped down"

Cognitive Consideration

I know. I know. People say, "It's the thought that counts, not the gift."
But couldn't people learn to think a bit bigger?!?!

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac...

Chuck Norris ordered a Big Mac at Burger King, and got one.

Entrance Exam

A Christian, a Muslim and a Buddhist die and arrive at the Gate of Heaven. An angel (or deva) stops them and asks, "Why do you come here? Can you tell me the reasons why you are allowed to enter Heaven?"
The Christian replies, "My ancestors disobeyed God, and I sinned all my life: I killed, I lied, I cheated my wife and I was greedy. However, Jesus died for me and all my sins are forgiven. So I deserve to enter Heaven."
"OK," replies the Angel. "Sounds good, but I must give you an entrance examination before you can enter." The Christian promptly agrees and the Angel asks him: "How do you spell God?" It is an easy question, and the Christian passes through the Gate.
Next came the Muslim, who says, "I did not do any especially good or evil things during my life but I was very devout. I prayed to God five times a day. So, I too should enter Heaven." The Angel replies, "It sounds OK to me, but I have to give you a test also. How do you spell Allah?" The Muslim passes the test and enters Heaven.
Finally, it is the Buddhist's turn. He tells the Angel, "I've done all the good things in my life and I followed Buddha's five precepts: I never killed, I donated to charities, I meditated every day, and I never cheated my boss nor my customers." The Angel replies, "That is very good, but there are no exceptions. You must pass the entrance test also in order to get in." Thinking that the test should be simple, the Buddhist happily agrees.
The Angel then asks him: "How do you spell Avalokitesvara Bodhisattva?"

Tech line

The prime minister of India was at the White House.

One embarrassing moment was when President Bush said to the prime minister, 'Could you take a look at my computer?'

'I'm having some problems with it, I can't seem to get through on the tech line.'

Andy Kindler: Celebrating Suffering

Jewish people, we dont believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. Were suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much weve suffered. Passover -- were celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. Were celebrating, Hey, thank God we didnt get slaughtered.

Superman wears Chuck Norris pa...

Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.