The best jokes (15751 to 15765)

When the Boogeyman goes to bed...

When the Boogeyman goes to bed he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris invented the Caes...

Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his monther's womb.

A FARMER and his wife decided ...

A FARMER and his wife decided to hold a talent show for their animals in which each contestant would recite a passage from Shakespeare. The prize would be a big marquee with a glitter ball inside. The pig performed a piece from Hamlet; the cow chose Richard III and the sheep picked MacBeth. After much deliberation the farmer and his wife picked the best entry, announcing: "Cow is the winner of our disco tent."

We want to strike Acco...

We want to strike Accord with anyone who's ever crashed their Honda.

On his birthday, Chuck Norris ...

On his birthday, Chuck Norris blows out his candles by blinking.

Danny Bhoy: Bank in Debt

How can a bank be in debt? Does no one address that? Youre a bank: youve got all the money and stuff. If youre in debt, send someone off to the main computer, tell them to go to debts, select all, delete. Thats it, thats all you need to do. Then were all in the clear, right?

911

The authorities in America conducted a survey to ascertain why they did not receive many emergency calls from blondes. After exhasted studies the answer is "They can find the nine but cannot find the eleven"

There are no weapons of mass d...

There are no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Chuck Norris lives in Oklahoma.

Gynecologist Painter

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to

the unemployment office to hire someone for the day.

When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available,

but they did have a gynecologist there. He reluctantly took

him along to help.

A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the

unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time

there were two painters, but instead he asked for the

gynecologist again.

The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we

have two professional painters you can take right now?"

He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we

arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But

I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand

through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

A lawyer died and arrived at t...

A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 193 years old!"

Black Jew

Q: What did Hitler say to the black Jew?

A: Get to the back of the oven.

Submitted by wavesk8er102

Edited by Curtis

Writing letters to son

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

One student fell into a cycle of classes, studying, working and sleeping.

Didn't realize how long he had neglected writing home until he received the following note:

"Dear Son, Your mother and I enjoyed your last letter. Of course, we were much younger then, and more impressionable. Love, Dad."

Business one-liners 47

There are two things on earth that are universal: hydrogen and stupidity.

There are two ways to slide easily through life: to believe everything or to doubt everything; both ways save us from thinking.

There has been an alarming increase in the number of things you know nothing about.

There has been opposition to every innovation in the history of man, with the possible exception of the sword.

There is a coherent plan in the universe, though I don't know what it's a plan for.

There is a right way, a wrong way, and my way to do everything.

There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.

There is always one more bug.

There is always one more idiot than you counted on.

There is no evidence to support the notion that life is serious.

There is nothing so habit-forming as money.

Qualifying For Heaven

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.
St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."
The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.
St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"
Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.
"That's right! You may enter."
St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

You Might Be A Redneck If 10

You might be a redneck if...
You've ever shot a deer from inside your house.
The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends are "Howdy!", "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin'?" (If they respond with the same... they're a redneck too!)
You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
You've ever stolen toilet paper from a public restroom.
You clean your nails with a stick.
You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
Your Christmas cards have a copy of your butt included.
People are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.
Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has an opening on the lube rack.
You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.