The best jokes (15991 to 16005)

Three Days After Easter

Following the resurrection, the disciples were still scattered about Jerusalem and the surrounding villages.
John finds Peter and runs up to him. Excitedly he says, "Peter, Peter! I've got some good news and some bad news."
Peter takes ahold of John and calms him down. "Take it easy, John. What is it? What's the good news?"
John says, "The good news is Christ is risen."
Peter says, "That's great! But, what's the bad news?"
John, looking around, says, "He's really steamed about last Friday."
From EasterHumor.com

Holy Shot!

One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and wont be able to go to work. Way up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, Are you really going to let him get away with this? No, I guess not, says God. The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesnt bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. Saint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, Why did you let him do that? To this God says, Whos he going to tell?

Better Than Pork

A priest and a rabbi found themselves sharing a compartment on a train. After a while, the priest opened a conversation by saying, "I know that in your religion you're not supposed to eat pork. Have you actually ever tasted it?"The rabbi said, "I must tell the truth. Yes, I have, on the odd occasion."
Then the Rabbi had his turn of interrogation. He asked, "Your religion, too... I know you're suposed to be celibate, but...?"
The priest replied, "Yes, I know what you're going to ask. I have succumbed once or twice."
There was silence for a while. Then the Rabbi peeped around the newspaper he was reading and said, "Better than pork, isn't it?"

A mathematician, an accountant...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"

...

Answering Machine Message 152

Hi. I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

Eagles and Weasels

Eagles may soar but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

At graduation, everybody is go...

At graduation, everybody is going to get their diploma but Tom. At the assembly Tom’s entire senior class screams “Let Tom graduate, let Tom graduate!” The principal in a moment of weakness agrees to give Tom one last chance. “If I have five peaches in my left hand and five peaches in my right hand, Tom, how many peaches do I have?” he asked. Tom thought long and hard and then said: “ten.” And the entire senior class stood up and shouted. “Give Tom another chance. Give Tom another chance!”

I Get No Respect 03

"It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips..yet she won't drink from my glass!"
"Last week my tie caught on fire. Some guy tried to put it out with an ax!"
"I met the surgeon general. He offered me a cigarette!"
"A travel agent offered me a 21 day special. He told me I would fly from New York to London. Then from Tokyo back to New York. I asked him...how am I supposed to get from London to Tokyo? He told me . . . that is why we give you 21 days.
"Another travel agent told me I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii...No days..just nights."
"My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good."
"My wife isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."
"A girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home!"
"I went to a massage parlor. It was self service."

Two guys were cruising downtow...

Two guys were cruising downtown, hoping to improve their sex life.

As they passed the mortuary, one elbows the other and says, "How 'bout stopping in for a cold one?"

Why do you do that, Mom?

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.

"Why do you do that, Mom?"

"To make myself beautiful," she answered. She then began to remove the cream with a tissue.

"What's the matter?" Johnny started. "Giving up?"

Knock Knock Collection 168

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Spock!
Spock who?
Spock louder!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stacey!
Stacey who?
Stacey'ted until the bus stops!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stalin!
Stalin who?
Stalin for time!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stan!
Stan who?
Stan back or I'll shoot!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Stanton!
Stanton who?
Stanton here answering questions is no fun!

Essex tongue

How to speak with an essex tongue!!

alma chizzit - A request to find the cost of an?item

amant-? Quantity; sum total ("Thez a yuge amant of mud in Saffend")

assband? - Unable to leave the house because of illness, disability etc.

awss- A? four legged animal, on which money is won, or more likely lost

("That awss ya tipped cost me a fiver? t'day")

branna-? More brown than on a previous occasion ("Ere, Trace, ya look branna today, ave you been on sunbed?")

cort a panda - A rather large hamburger

dan in the maff- Unhappy ("Wossmatta, Trace, ya look a bit?dan in the

maff")

eye-eels? - Women's shoes

Furrock? - The location of Lakeside Shopping Centre

garrij -? A building where a car is kept or repaired (Trace: "Oi, Darren, I fink the motah needs ta go in the garrij cos it aint working proper")

Ibeefa -? Balaeric holiday island

lafarjik- Lacking in energy ("I feel all lafarjik")

oi oi! -? Traditional greeting. Often heard from the doorway of pubs or during? banging dance tunes at clubs

paipa -? The Sun, The Mirror or The Sport

reband-? The period of recovery and emotional turmoil after rejection by a lover ("I couldn't elp it, I wuz on the reband from? Craig")

Saffend? - Essex coastal resort boasting the longest pleasure pier in the world. The place where the characters from TV's, popular soap opera, Eastenders go on holiday

tan -? The city of London, the big smoke

webbats- Querying the location something or someone is ("Webbats is me dole card, Trace? I've? gotta sign on in arf hour")

wonnid -? 1. Desired, needed. 2. Wanted by the police

zaggerate - To suggest that something is bigger or better than it actually is ("I told ya a fazzand times?already")?

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Yisman

Question Answer 06

What lights up a football stadium?
A football match!
If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
Cornflakes!
Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
Because there is no atmosphere!
Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
Webley stadium!
When fish play football, who is the captain?
The team's kipper!
Ref: I'm sending you off
Player: What for?
Ref: The rest of the match!
Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
They tend to go cheep!
What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
Beans on post!

Japanese

A couple was delighted when finally their long wait to adopt a baby came to an end.

The adoption center called and told them they had a wonderful Japanese baby boy, and the couple took him without hesitation.

On the way home from the adoption center, they stopped by the local college so they each could enroll in night courses.

After they filled out the form, the registration clerk inquired, "What ever possessed you to study Japanese?"

The couple said proudly, "We just adopted a Japanese baby and in a year or so he'll start to talk. We just want to be able to understand him".

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo