The best jokes (16261 to 16275)

Chilling with the Eskimo

What do eskimos get from sitting on a block of ice?

Polaroids!

Pleasing Sister Mary

There was this nun named Sister Mary who, though she tried and tried, could never please the Mother Superior. One day she comes up with an idea: since the abbey was always cold, she decided to cut some wood and build a fire in the fireplace to heat the place up. She spent all day chopping, hauling and stacking wood. Subsequently, she wound up shredding the sleeves of her habit.
Later that night, as the other nuns came into the rectory, they were delighted to find the place warm and cozy, with a big fire roaring in the fireplace. Then Mother Superior comes in and yells, "Sister Mary! Go fix your torn habit this instant!"
Sister Mary, crying, asks, "But Mother Superior, aren't you happy that the abbey is warm?" To which the Mother Superior replies, "Yes, but when you ax, then ye shall re-sleeve."

Nurse Jenny

Two doctors were in a hospital hallway one day complaining about Nurse Jenny. "She's incredibly dumb. She does everything absolutely backwards." said one doctor. "Just last week, I told her to give a patient 2 milligrams of Percocet every 10 hours. She gave him 10 milligrams every 2 hours. He nearly died on us!"
The second doctor said, "That's nothing. Earlier this week, I told her to give a patient an enema every 24 hours. She tried to give him 24 enemas in one hour! The guy nearly exploded!"

Suddenly, they hear a blood-curdling scream from down the hall, "Oh my gosh!" said the first doctor, "I just realized I told Nurse Jenny to prick Mr. Smith's boil!"

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

“Conjoined twins aren...

“Conjoined twins aren't the only twins with special connections.”

“Things can go either...

“Things can go either way at a kissing gate.”

Docs go to Heaven

Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up.

St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician.

St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. "Sounds pretty good, okay you can go in to Heaven."

The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved.

St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good, you can go in too."

The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.

"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.

So the doc told him exactly what that involved.

"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."

So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs.

St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Success

A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.

"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"

Why did the blonde t

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach? A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.

Quarterback

A blonde goes to a football game.

The quarterback starts running with the ball and she chases him yelling "I want my quarter back!"

Submitted by bomberman255

Edited by Calamjo

69 farts

A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do '69'.

"What the hell is that?" asks the guy.

Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."

Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.

"What was that for?" he asks.

"Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says.

So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.

"Wait, where are you going?", she asks.

Submited by Curtis

Edited by axelwang

Chuck Norris knows where Carme...

Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

Biblical Babysitter

Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.

Demetri Martin: Thought You Were Someone Else

I was walking down the street, and this guy waved to me. Then he came up to me and said, Im sorry, I thought you were someone else. I said, I am.

Smart Blonde

Did you hear about the smart blonde? You won't either.

B.J. Novak: Battered Women

Battered women: sounds delicious, doesnt make it right.