The best jokes (16261 to 16275)

Water to Wine

A Lutheran minister is driving down to New York and gets

stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the

minister's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the

floor of the car. He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the minister.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The minister looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's

done it again!"

“Back in the days whe...

“Back in the days when the guillotine was first used, people wondered, is this what we may beheaded for in the future?”

A man enters his local bar hol...

A man enters his local bar holding a frog and an iguana. He sets them down on the bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you $1000 that my frog here can sing any song you can think of." "Ok," says the bartender. "How 'bout 'Blue Moon'?" The man whispers something to the frog, and the frog starts singing blue moon. "That's amazing," says the bartender as he slaps down $1000. "I'll bet ya another $1000 that my iguana here can do that to." "Ok, I can believe a frog, but not an iguana. You're on. Have him sing the Star Spangled Banner." The man whispers something to the iguana and it sings the Star Spangled Banner. As the bartender hands over another $1000, a businessman comes up and says, "I just saw that and I was amazed. I want to buy your iguana for $100,000." The man said ok, and he exchanged the iguana for the money and the businessman left. The bartender said "What are you nuts?! You could have made millions with that iguana!" The man said "Oh, the iguana can't sing. The frog's a ventriloquist."

Short funny jokes-Phone number

Rectum

Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.

"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ass!"

"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."

"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"

Sex is like software

Sex is like software: For everyone who pays for it, there are hundreds getting it free.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

Florida Orange Growers

Q: Why did Florida orange growers offer O.J. Simpson $3 million?
A: To change his name to Apple Juice.

A New Yorker was forced to tak...

A New Yorker was forced to take a day off from work to appear for a minor traffic summons. He grew increasingly restless as he waited hour after endless hour for his case to be heard.
When his name was called late in the afternoon, he stood before the judge, only to hear that court would be adjourned for the rest of the afternoon and he would have to return the next day.
"What for?!?!?" he snapped at the judge.
His honor, equally irked by a tedious day and sharp query, roared out loud: "Twenty dollars contempt of court! That's why!"
Then, noticing the man checking his wallet, the judge relented:
"That's all right. You don't have to pay now."
The young man replied, "I know. But I'm just seeing if I have enough for two more words."

Bear and Toilet

Q: What do you get if you cross a bear with a toilet?

A: Winnie the Pooh.

Angry boy

Soft and wet

What goes in hard and dry and comes out wet and soft? Chewing gum

A computer once beat me at che...

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

The leading causes of death in...

The leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease, 2. Chuck Norris, 3. Cancer

Behind every successful man, t...

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Before he forgot a gift for Ch...

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.