The best jokes (16276 to 16290)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 16276 to 16290. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Docs go to Heaven
Three doctors died and went to the Pearly Gates to be interviewed to see where they would end up.St. Peter asked the first one what he did on earth, and he said he was an obstetrician.
St. Peter asked what an obstetrician did and the doc told him. "Sounds pretty good, okay you can go in to Heaven."
The second doc said he was a pediatrician and had to explain what that involved.
St. Peter said, "Sounds very useful, very good, you can go in too."
The third doc said he was the chief man in charge of a whole HMO conglomerate.
"Well, what's that?" asked St. Peter.
So the doc told him exactly what that involved.
"Sounds very important, very useful. You can go in too."
So the third doc goes in the Gates and starts to walk up the stairs.
St. Peter turns and calls after him, "Oh, by the way, you can only stay three days."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Success
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Screw me or climb the ladder to success," she said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Screw me hard or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Screw me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
69 farts
A girl brings a guy home one night. They get into her apartment and immediately she suggests that they do '69'."What the hell is that?" asks the guy.
Realizing he's inexperienced, she tries to explain, "I put my head between your legs and you put your head between mine."
Still not knowing what she's talking about, but not wanting to ruin the moment he agrees to try it. The second they get in to the position, she lets go a RIP-ROARING fart.
"What was that for?" he asks.
"Oooopppps! Sorry, lets try it again." she says.
So, they get into position again, and once more she lets one loose. The guy gets up and starts to put his coat on.
"Wait, where are you going?", she asks.
Submited by Curtis
Edited by axelwang
Carrot, Tomato, and ...
There's a carrot, a tomato, and a penis. The carrot said "I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a cake, and eaten." The tomato says "No, I have the worst life of all. I get chopped up, put in a salad, and eaten".
Then the penis said, "I, my friends, have the worst life of all. I get a plastic bag shoved over my head, and then pushed back and forth into a warm tunnel until I choke!".
Emily Heller: Using Feminism
I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting. Chuck Norris knows where Carme...
Chuck Norris knows where Carmen Sandiego is.Biblical Babysitter
Q. Who is the greatest babysitter mentioned in the Bible?
A. David. He rocked Goliath into a very deep sleep.
Demetri Martin: Thought You Were Someone Else
I was walking down the street, and this guy waved to me. Then he came up to me and said, Im sorry, I thought you were someone else. I said, I am.B.J. Novak: Battered Women
Battered women: sounds delicious, doesnt make it right.What Is One Billion?
According to a recent government publication ...
A billion seconds ago Harry Truman was president.
A billion minutes ago was just after the time of Christ.
A billion hours ago man had not yet walked on earth.
A billion dollars ago was late yesterday at the U.S. Treasury.
