The best jokes (16291 to 16305)

 Purchasing New Brains

A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.
After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center's director that he was an acceptable candidate.
"That's great!" the executive said. "But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive."
"Yes, sir, it can," the director replied. "An ounce of accountant's brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist's brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president's is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a Democrat's brain is seventy-five thousand dollars."
"Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a Democrat's brain? Why on earth is that?"
"Do you have any idea," the director asked, "how many Democrats we would have to kill?"

St. George and the Dragon

A tramp knocked on the door of the inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answered the door.The tramp said, “Could you give a poor man something to eat?”"No,” said the woman, slamming the door in his face.He knocked again and said, “Could I have a few words with George?”

How to Have a Perfect Pastor

A recent survey has compiled all the qualities that people expect from the perfect pastor:Results of a computerized survey indicated that the perfect pastor preaches exactly 12 minutes. He frequently condemns sin but never upsets anyone. He works from 8 a.m. until midnight and is also a janitor. He makes $60 a week, wears good clothes, buys good books, drives a good car, and gives about $80 a week to the poor. He is 28 years of age, but he's been preaching for 30 years.He is wonderfully gentle and handsome. He gives himself completely but never gets too close to anyone to avoid criticism.He speaks boldly on social issues, but must never become politically involved. He has a burning desire to work with teenagers, but he spends all his time with senior citizens. He makes 15 daily calls to parish families, visits shut-ins and the hospitalized, spends all his time evangelizing the unchurched, and is always in his office when needed.

People who live in glass house

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print.There ain't no way you're going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella,then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequencyin middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybodyhas the same size bucket.
To err is human, to forgive - highly unlikely.
Do you realize that in about 40 years,we'll have thousands of old ladiesrunning around with tattoos?
Money can't buy happiness -- but somehow it's more comfortableto cry in a Porsche than in a Hyundai.
Drinking makes some husbands see double and feel single.
Living in a n*dist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
After a certain age, if you don't wake up aching in every joint,you are probably dead.

One day a cowboy walked into a

One day a cowboy walked into a blacksmith shop and picked up a horseshoe, not realizing that it had just come from the forge. He immediately dropped it and jammed his hand into his pocket, trying to act as if nothing had happened. The blacksmith noticed and asked with a grin, "Kind of hot, wasn't it?"
"Nope," answered the cowboy through clenched teeth, "it just doesn't take me long to look at a horseshoe."

Taking the Edge Off

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast.

"Would you like

bacon and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and

coffee to

follow?" she asks.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really

taken the edge

off my appetite."

At lunchtime, she asks if he would like something. "A bowl

of home-

made soup, home-made muffins or a cheese sandwich?" she

inquires.

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really

taken the edge

off my appetite."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat.

She'll go to

the store and buy him some food. "Would you like maybe a

steak and

apple pie? Maybe you'd like a pizza micro waved or a tasty

stir-fry?

That would only take a couple of minutes."

He declines. "It's this Viagra," he says, "It's really

taken the edge

off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "would you mind letting me up, then? I'm

starving!"

A collection of insults!

If you were orphaned when you were a child, I feel sorry for you, but not for your parents.

If you don't want to give people a bad name, you will have your children illegitimately.

Is your name Laryngitis? You're a pain in the neck.

Is your name Dan Druff? You get into people's hair.

I hear you pick your friends -- to pieces!!

I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing that you've never used it.

They say that two heads are better than one. In your case, one would have been better than none.

You should toss out more of your funny remarks; that's all they're good for.

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

You must have a low opinion of people if you think they're your equals.

I wish you were all here. I don't like to think there is more!

If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!

A Sunday school teacher asked ...

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?" One bright little girl replied, "Because people are sleeping."

Jamie Lissow: Unrealistic Goals

I think people need to think more before they speak. The other day I was walking along the street, and this gorgeous girl rides by on a bicycle. And the guy in the group ahead of me says, Man, look at her. Wish I could be that bicycle seat. Im like, what? Dont you think thats a little bit of an unrealistic goal? Besides, if youre going for it, why dont you just aim to be the guy thats sleeping with her? Maybe something that doesnt require sorcery.

When Chuck Norris was born, th...

When Chuck Norris was born, the only person who cried was the doctor. Never slap Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris can do a roundhou...

Chuck Norris can do a roundhouse kick faster than the speed of light. This means that if you turn on a light switch, you will be dead before the lightbulb turns on.

A Blonde walks into a Restarau...

A Blonde walks into a Restaraunt, and she goes straight to the bulletin board in the back. The blonde is looking at the bulletin board and she sees a piece of paper that sais "Ocean Cruise Only 5$" She pulls the piece of paper off the wall and goes to the address listed on the back of paper. She walks into the building and hands the secretary the piece of paper. The secretary nods and asks if she had the five dollars. The blonde nods and pulls five dollars out of her pocket and hands it to the secretary. The secretary looks over to a burly black guy reading a news paper. She nods to the black guy. He stood up and nocks the blonde unconcious. When the blonde wakes up she's tied to a log and is floating down river. She started to think that this was a bad idea. When she sees one of her freinds (who is also blonde) tied to a log floating right next to her. In a Joking manner blonde she looks at her freind and says "So do you think they're going to serve us some food on this trip?"
The other blonde replies "They didn't serve any last year."

Asking the Wizard of Oz

President Bush, Dan Quayle, Ross Perot, and Bill Clinton all traveled together to see the Wizard of Oz. Upon arrival, they were brought to see him.

First, President Bush went to see the Wizard and said, "Everyone says I have no compassion or feelings, I wish to have a Heart". So the Wizard said, "So be it".

Second was Dan Quayle. He told the Wizard, "People think I'm unintelligent and have no common sense whatsoever. I want a brain. The Wizard said, "So be it".

Third to ask the Wizard was Ross Perot. "People say I have no confidence, and I lack conviction. I wish to have some courage". The Wizard granted this wish as well.

And then Bill Clinton approached the Wizard. The Wizard looked at him and said, "Well, what do you want?" To which Clinton replied, "I'm here for Dorothy!"

Blonde Cop

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead are walking by a mall.

A policeman starts running after them, so they start running too.

They come upon 3 sacks and jump into them.

The cop stops and kicks the 1st sack and the brunette says "Meow."

The cop says, "Oh, it's only a cat."

He kicks the 2nd sack and the redhead says "Woof."

The cop says, "Oh, it's only a dog."

Then he comes up to the third sack and kicks it.

The blonde says "Potatoes".

And the cop says "Oh, it's only a sack of potatoes!"

Do you know why the cop didn't catch her?

Because he was a blonde too!

We have that in Texas...

A Texan died and went to heaven where St. Peter met him at the Pearly Gates.

"Show me what you got, Pete," said Tex. St. Peter swung open the gates and revealed a beautiful landscape of mountains, rivers, streams, trees, flowers and all the trimmings.

"We've got that in Texas. We call it King Ranch" said Tex.

St. Pete flashed up a scene of men, women and children frolicking on the countryside, riding coaches, swinging, swimming, riding horses, bicycling, etc.

"We've got that, too. We call it Six Flags."

Whereupon St. Peter threw open a trapdoor of the fires of Hell and out shot a huge ball of fire followed by a solid stream of flame sweeping over the entire area. The blinding light and heat were enormous.

"We don't have that," said Tex, "but we've got a guy in Houston who can put it out."