The best jokes (16456 to 16470)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 16456 to 16470. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Business one-liners 61
I knocked several times, but you weren't in. - OpportunityI once worked as a salesman and was very independent; I took orders from no one.
I think we should really add to the confusion... Let's call in (Insert Your Favorite Group - Engineering/Financial...)
I think...therefore I am confused.
I will get it done when I get it done!
I would give $1000 to be a millionaire.
I've got to stop getting fired like this. People will start to think I'm a drifter. - Lee Iacocca
If a listener nods his head when you're explaining your program, wake him up.
If a man advances confidently in the direction of his dreams to live the life he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours. - Henry David Thoreau
If a program is useful it will be changed, if it is useless, it will be documented.
Since 1940, the year Chuck Nor...
Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse kick related deaths have increased 13,000 percent.Mark Curry: No Halloween Costumes
We couldnt afford no Halloween costumes -- eight kids, please! Mama sent us down to the liquor store, put boxes on us. We didnt know what we were -- I dont know what we are. I dont know. She didnt tell us. I think we UPS? I dont know.Can't touch this
Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.Fred & Saddam
Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.
The ocean was once fresh water...
The ocean was once fresh water but Chuck Norris likes his shrimp salty.Sinking boat
There's a boat sinking out at sea with men, women and children on it, along with a minister, a rabbi, and a priest.The minister said, "Oh my god, will somebody think of the children."
The rabbi said, "fuck the children."
The priest said, "Do we have time?"
Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't...
Jupiter's Great Red Spot isn't a storm. It's where Chuck Norris puts his victims.John Ramsey: Old Security Passwords
So they ask me, Would you like to answer your secret security password question? I think, Oh yeah, surely I can answer a question posed by slightly younger me. A stolen credit card
A man said his credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did.An Internet Christmas
T'was the Internet Night Before Christmas'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the Net,
There were hacker's a surfing. Nerds? Yeah, you bet.
The e-mails were stacked by the modem with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The newbies were nestled all snug by their screens,
While visions of Java danced in their dreams.
My wife on the sofa and me with a snack,
We just settled down at my rig (it's a Mac).
When out in the Web there arose such a clatter,
I jumped to the site to see what was the matter.
To a new page my Mac flew like a flash,
Then made a slight gurgle. It started to crash!!
I gasped at the thought and started to grouse,
Then turned my head sideways and clicked on my mouse.
When what to my wondering eyes should appear,
My Mac jumped to a page that wasn't quite clear.
When the image resolved, so bright and so quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick!
More rapid than mainframes, more graphics they came,
Then Nick glanced toward my screen, my Mac called them by name;
"Now Compaq! Now Acer!", my speaker did reel;
"On Apple! On Gateway!" Santa started to squeal!
"Jump onto the circuits! And into the chip!
Now speed it up! Speed it up! Make this thing hip!"
The screen gave a flicker, he was into my "Ram",
Then into my room rose a full hologram!
He was dressed in all red, from his head to his shoes,
Which were black (the white socks he really should lose).
He pulled out some discs he had stored in his backpack.
Santa looked like a dude who was rarin' to hack!
His eyes, how they twinkled! His glasses, how techno!
This ain't the same Santa that I used to know!
With a wink of his eye and a nod of his head,
Santa soon let me know I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word, gave my Mac a quick poke,
And accessed my C drive with only a stroke.
He defragged my hard drive, and added a "Dimm",
Then threw in some cool games, just on a whim!
He worked without noise, his fingers they flew!
He distorted some pictures with Kai's Power Goo!
He updated Office, Excel and Quicken,
Then added a screensaver with a red clucking chicken!
My eyes widened a bit, my mouth stood agape,
As he added the latest version of Netscape.
The drive gave a whirl, as if it were pleased,
St. Nick coyly smiled, the computer appeased.
Then placing his finger on the bridge of his nose,
Santa turned into nothing but ones and zeros!
He flew back into my screen and through my uplink,
Back into the net with barely a blink.
But I heard his sweet voice as he flew from my sight,
"Happy surfing to all, and to all a good byte!"
Doctor and patient...
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation and was about to close, the patient awakes, sits up, and demands to know what is going on.
"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.
The patient grabs the surgeon's hand and says, "I'm not going to let you do that! I'll close my own incision!"
The doctor hands him the needle and thread and says, "Suture self."
Early one morning, a mother we...
Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!""But why, Mom? I don't want to go."
"Give me two reasons why you don't want to go."
"Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me, too!"
"Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready."
"Give me two reasons why I should go to school."
"Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the Principal!"
Hospital Trolley
A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushes the trolley down the corridor towards the operating theatre, where she leaves the girl on the trolley outside, while she goes in to check whether everything is ready. A young man wearing a white coat approaches, lifts the sheet up and starts examining her naked body. He puts the sheet back and then walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over, lifts the sheet and does the same examinations. When a third man does the same thing, but more closely, she grows impatient and says: "All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?"
The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders: "I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor."
