The best jokes (16846 to 16860)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 16846 to 16860. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Normal sex life...
When the good Lord was making the world, he called Man aside and bestowed upon him 20 years of normal sex life. Man was horrified, but the Creator refused to budge. Then the Lord called the Monkey and gave him 20 years.
"But I don't need 20 years," said the Monkey. "Ten years is plenty."
"May I have the other 10 years?" asked Man. The Monkey agreed.
The Lord called the Lion next and also gave him 20 good years. The Lion also only wanted 10, so again Man asked for the remaining ten. Then came the Donkey, who was also granted 20 years. Like the others, 10 was more than enough. Man again asked for the spare ten years and got them.
This explains why Man has 20 years of normal sex life, 10 years of monkeying around, 10 years of lion 'bout it, and 10 years of making an ass out of himself.
Two girls....
Two girls were having coffee when one noticed that the other girl seemed troubled and asked her, "Is something bugging you? You look anxious."
"Well, my boyfriend just lost all his money and life savings in the stock market," she explained.
"Oh, that's too bad," the other girl sympathized. "I'm sure you're feeling sorry for him."
"Yeah, I am," she said. "He'll really miss me."
Liberal Jokes
Question - What is the difference between a liberal and a puppy?
Answer - A puppy stops whining after it grows up.
Question - What is the only thing worse than an incompetent liberal President?
Answer - A competent liberal President.
Question - Why do the male members of the Kennedy family cry while having sex?
Answer - Mace.
Question - Who was the first liberal Democrat?
Answer - Christopher Columbus. He left not knowing where he was going, got there not knowing where he was, left not knowing where he'd been and did it all on borrowed money.
Liberals are like seagulls: all they do is squawk, eat crap, and they are protected by the government.
Stealing Six Barrels
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
January 12, 1993
Long Beach police arrested two small, skinny men in October and charged them with stealing six 45-pound barbells from the Buffum-Downtown YMCA.
The men were struggling to keep the barbells in a small cart that kept tipping over because they were not strong enough to steer it.
Walter Smith...
A woman checked in at the pearly gates and asked to join her former husband, Walter Smith. Saint Peter said, "We have five million Walter Smiths. Give us a little clue."
The woman said, "My Walter is bald and has blue eyes, and he said that if I ever slept with another man he'd turn over in his grave."
Saint Peter motioned an angel forward. "Take her to Whirling Walter!"
“The crusty, ill-temp...
“The crusty, ill-tempered baker was a scone's throw from becoming toast.”
Cancer Research
"Good morning, sir," she said. Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?"
"Just a few minutes?" Peter asked.
"Just a few minutes," the woman replied.
"Okay," Peter said, "But we're not going to get much done."
Funny jokes-Safe and sound
Husband: “Why, what's wrong?”
Wife: “A few persons were talking near our window that a dumb looking man got crushed under a car.”
Computer Poem
A computer was something on TV from a science fiction show of note. A window was something you hated to clean and ram was the cousin of a goat.Meg was the name of my girlfriend and gig was a job for the nights. Now they all mean different things and that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age. A CD was a bank account. And if you had a 3 inch floppy, you hoped nobody found out.
Compress was something you did to the garbage, not something you did to a file and if you unzipped anything in public, you'd be in jail for a while.
Log on was adding wood to the fire. Hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived and a backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did, with a pocket knife. Paste you did with glue. A web was a spider's home and a virus was the flu.
I guess I'll stick to my pen and paper and the memory in my head. I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash but when it happens they wish they were dead!
Nick Swardson: Quitting Pot
I used to smoke pot all the time, and then I quit. I dont know if anybodys ever done that, but thats, like, amazing. I totally smoked for a while, and I totally stopped, and my friends were all, like, they couldnt believe it. They were like, What? You quit? Youre done? Really? That sucks. What are you doing? That sucks. Im like, Yeah, it really sucks remembering where I put stuff now.An old man of ninety was sitti...
An old man of ninety was sitting on a park bench crying.A policeman noticed this and asked him why he was crying.
"Well," says the old fellow, "I just got married to a twenty-five year old redhead. Every morning she makes me a wonderful breakfast and then we make love. In the afternoon she makes me a wonderful lunch and then we make love. At dinner time she makes me a wonderful supper and then we make love."
The policeman looks at the old man and says, "You shouldn't be crying! You should be the happiest man in the world!"
So the old man says, "I know! I'm crying because I don't remember where I live!"
Scary Collection 51
A witch joke
What do witches cats like for breakfast?
Mice krispies!
A witch joke
Who went into a witche's den and came out alive?
The witch!
A witch joke
What do you get if you cross a witches cat with a canary?
A peeping tom!
A witch joke
Why is "S" the witches favourite letter?
Because he turns cream into scream!
A witch joke
What do you get if you cross a sorceress with a millionaire?
A very witch person!
A witch joke
What is a witches favorite drink?
Tea-hee-hee!
A witch joke
What's a witches favorite film?
My Fear Lady!
