The best jokes (17926 to 17940)

“In the deli, I learn

“In the deli, I learnt the finer aspics of making jello salad.”

 The Cesium Song 09

It's So Easy
(Tune, It's so Easy)
It's with Cesium I'm in love!
It's with Cesium I'm in love!
People say that I'm a fool,
When I take my Cesium into the pool.
And it's so easy,
So doggone easy,
Yes it's so easy,
Where my love's concerned,
To get myself burned.
But it's with Cesium I'm in love,
It's with Cesium I'm in love!
I look into her flame and see,
A sky-blue light floodin' over me.
Though it's so easy,
So doggone easy,
Yeah it's so easy,
When she's concerned,
To get myself burned.
Still it's with Cesium I'm in love,
It's with Cesium I'm in love!
---Songs of Cesium #87

 A Collection Of Insults

At least you are not obnoxious like so many other people -- you are obnoxious in a different and worse way!
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all like to throw you down one.
You remind me of Moses. Every time you open your mouth, the bull rushes.
They say that travel broadens oneself. You must have been around the world.
Look through your towels and tell us the name of the hotel you stayed at in Detroit.
You always have your ear to the ground. So how's life in the gutter?
Heard your family went to a restaurant where they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.
You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to hang you.
You will never be able to live down to your reputation!
Any friend of yours -- is a friend of yours.
Someone said that you are not fit to sleep with pigs. I stuck up for the pigs.

 Without A Christmas Bonus

Ten signs you're not getting a christmas bonus
10. Co-workers refer to you as "the ghost of unemployment future"
9. The last time you saw your boss was when he testified against you at the embezzlement trial
8. On your door, you find a lovely wreath of pink slips
7. What you call "my new office," everybody else calls "the supply closet"
6. Boss's Christmas card says, "Don't let the door hit you on the way out"
5. You keep getting memos reminding you that employees are required to wear pants
4. When your boss came over for Thanksgiving, he was crushed under an avalanche of stolen office supplies
3. Whenever you ask for a raise, a guy shows up at your house and breaks your jaw
2. In your most recent performance evaluation, the word "terrible" appeared 78 times
1. You're the starting quarterback for the New York Jets

“What do you call the

“What do you call the family of a water pump? Pump-Kin.”

 Kinda Lame

....ya well we are gonna' make like a tree and leaf

My pet feline fell i...

“My pet feline fell into a bowl of seltzer water yesterday. She's been cat-a-tonic ever since.”

Three preachers sat discussing...

Three preachers sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby.
"Kneeling is definitely best," claimed one.
"No," another contended. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the third insisted. "The most effective prayer position is lying prostrate, face down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer.
"Gentlemen," he interrupted, "the best praying I ever did was hanging upside down from a telephone pole."

 Bragging About Japan

There was a Japanese man who went to America for sightseeing. On the last day, he hailed a cab and told the driver to drive to the airport. During the journey, a Honda drove past the taxi. Thereupon, the man leaned out of the window excitedly and yelled, "Honda, very fast! Made in Japan!"
After a while, a Toyota sped past the taxi. Again, the Japanese man leaned out of the window and yelled, "Toyota, very fast! Made in Japan!"
And then a Mitsubishi sped past the taxi. For the third time, the Japanese leaned out of the window and yelled, "Mitsubishi, very fast! Made in Japan!"
The driver was a little angry, but he kept quiet. And this went on for quite a number of cars. Finally, the taxi came to the airport. The fare was US$300.
The Japanese exclaimed, "Wah... so expensive!"
There upon, the driver yelled back, "Meter, very fast! Made in Japan!"

I'm surprised I'm...

“I'm surprised I'm not musically inclined because as a child my attitude was so bad that I often got my bell rung and was told to sing a new tune.”

Scary Collection 45

A witch joke
What's yellow and very poisonous?
Witch infested custard!

A witch joke
Why did the witch buy two tickets to the zoo?
One to get in and one to get out!

A witch joke
What do you call a wich made of cotton and has lots of holes in her?
A string hag!

A witch joke
What happened to the naughtly little witch at school?
She was ex-spelled!

A witch joke
What should you do if you find a witch in your bed?
Run!

A witch joke
Where do witches keep their purses?
In hag bags!

A witch joke
What is the favorite subject of young witches at school?
Spelling!

 Ponderings Collection 07

Why is there an expiry date on my sour cream container?
Why do we park on driveways and drive on parkways?
Why do we send cargo by ship, and shipments by car?
Why call it a building if it's already been built?
Why do kamikazee pilots wear helmets?
How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Does 'virgin wool' come from sheep the shepherd hasn't caught yet?
If the front of your car says 'DODGE', do you really need a horn?
What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?

The True Origin of the Internet

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called 'Amazon Dot Com.'And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far from town to town with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.But this success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young man did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known "eBay" he said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.""YAHOO," said Abraham.And that is how it all began. It wasn't Al Gore after all.

“I am writing a term

“I am writing a term paper on various types of golf courses. I have found many links on the computer.”

“People say I know a

“People say I know a lot about folk tales but that's just a myth.”