The best jokes (18781 to 18795)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 18781 to 18795. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Steven Wright 15
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays "Helter Skelter."
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I lost a button hole today. Where am I gonna find another one?
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
Factorials were someone's attempt to make math *look* exciting.
John asks: Why are you drinki...
John asks: Why are you drinking so much?Joe says: Because I donated my body to science, and I am preserving it until they are ready to use it.
You might be a redneck if 74
You might be a reneck if...You re-use dental floss to save money.
You've ever drunk mouthwash just because you're too lazy to walk down to the liquor store.
Your homecoming basketball game was rained out.
Your baseball bat "ain't never been used on a ball, but it's sure hit plenty of other things."
You've ever shot a mouse inside your home. You might be a redneck Jedi if...
Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
You have ever used your lightsaber to open a bottle of Jack Daniel's.
You think the best use of your lightsaber is picking your teeth.
At least one wing of your X-Wing is Bondo colored.
There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
Famous Jokes
A Dinner Blessing…..
Ed, was a strictly a ‘meat-and-potatoes' man. Over the years, he's learned to like more foods, but there are still two vegetables he won't eat. His family likes to tease him about it.
One year at a holiday gathering, Ed got the last laugh when he gave this cute tongue-in-cheek blessing: Now we sit to eat what's here; we pray no green stuff will appear. No Brussels sprouts or any such
and asparagus, Lord, would be too much. But give us meat that's white or red and potatoes, corn and lots of bread. Some good brown gravy wouldn't hurt and to top it off, some pie for dessert.
Launderette reunion...
Two elderly ladies meet at the launderette after not seeing one another for some time. After inquiring about each other's health, one asked how the other's husband was doing.
"Oh! Ted died last week. He went out to the garden to dig up a cabbage for dinner, had a heart attack and dropped down dead right there in the middle of the vegetable patch!"
"Oh dear! I'm so very sorry," replied her friend. "What did you do?"
"Opened a can of peas instead."
Saving time
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. “You need to be careful about trying these techniques at home.”
“Why?” asked somebody from the audience.
“I watched my wife's routine at dinner for years,” the expert explained. “She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time.
One day I told her, “Honey, why don't you try carrying several things at once?”
“Did it save time?” the guy in the audience asked.
“Actually, yes,” replied the expert. “It used to take her 30 minutes to make dinner.
Now I do it in 10…”
Source: MarriageJokes.com
Definitions....
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
There were 11 people hanging o...
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane.Ten were Antartians, and one was a university professor. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the professor said, "I'll get off." After a really touching speech from the professor saying she would get off, all of the Antartians started clapping.
“I sure felt a lot be
“I sure felt a lot better after buying a parking structure last week.”
The Fate Of Marriages
It is often cited that there are half as many divorces as marriages in the US, so one concludes that average marriages have a 50% chance of ending by divorce. While I was a graduate student, among my peers there were twice as many divorces as marriages, leading us to conclude that average marriages would end twice...
“When the town remove...
“When the town removed billboards, they told people that's how it was designed.”
Really funny jokes-Lost everything
First: “My boyfriend, poor soul……lost everything in business.”
Second: “Good lord, you must be worried.”
First: “Oh yes, I keep worrying....after my marriage who is he going to confide in and share his sorrows with!"
