The best jokes (18931 to 18945)

“We can all praise To

“We can all praise Tom Hiddleston for his Loki performance.”

 Give Him An Orange

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, "Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was livid. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!" The student then recited, "Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, calim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding..."

 Answering Machine Message 211

As the drugs take hold, you feel you are losing your grip on reality. You begin to hallucinate. You see a telephone... The telephone is next to an answering machine... You hear a faint click and a light flashes on the answering machine... You hear a beep...

“Long after a barrage

“Long after a barrage of eggs is ova, smashed pumpkins remain gourd offal.”

Which member of the royal fami

Which member of the royal family collects photos of fat women?

“Great batsmen in cri

“Great batsmen in cricket score centuries by their will-ow power?”

“I was really enjoyin

“I was really enjoying stargazing when it started to cloud over, much to my constellation.”

Why does milk rong

Why does milk explore interstellar space when ingested by a seagull?

“I borrowed money to

“I borrowed money to attend school in the South. Now I owe Miss.”

 Knock Knock Collection 068

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frances!
Frances who?
Frances hello!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Francie!
Francie who?
Francie that!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Francis!
Francis who?
Francis on the other side of the Channel!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Frank!
Frank who?
Franks and beans!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Franz!
Franz who?
Franz, Romans, Countryman...!

 Steven Wright 16

I took a baby shower.
I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.
I washed mud, off of mud.
Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity... If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
I've never seen electricity, so I don't pay for it. I write right on the bill, "I'm sorry, I haven't seen it all month."
My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don't know how I got there.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.

Yoga can be dangerous. If you&

Yoga can be dangerous. If you're dressing for a class – wear a hazmat suit.

“Dud notes are counte

“Dud notes are counter-unfit!”

“Intestine is somebod

“Intestine is somebody taking an exam right now.”

Proof that Sar

Proof that Sarah Palin's child isn't developmentally delayed is that he can do math. In fact, Trig functions.