The best jokes (19141 to 19155)

Q. Would your

Q. Would your father rather tend to his marijuana grow-op, or sing children's songs?

Hear about the gay tourist in

Hear about the gay tourist in Egypt who was excited to see the sphincts?

They gave my mother's si

They gave my mother's sister a speeding ticket, which hurts my fine auntses.

Billy Idol tried to clean up h

Billy Idol tried to clean up his act, but then was accused of Mony laundering.

Which actress wobbled when she

Which actress wobbled when she walked? Lucille Ball.

Men are a misunderstood lot, w

Men are a misunderstood lot, which all in all is probably for the best. Women are better off not knowing that we eat with our hands the minute they leave the room or that we use their nail clippers to trim our nose hair. Better for them, better for us. Still, it's annoying that women spend more time and money trying to understand the minds of cats than they do wondering about what makes men tick. Which is why they'll never understand...
Our consuming need to own the biggest and most expensive version of just about everything.Our compulsive desire to drive off-road vehicles in cities and use corkscrews that resemble offshore drilling equipment is well documented. As marketing targets, men are suckers for terms like "professional" or "industrial strength," because inside every man is the germ of every profession he ever imagined himself one day excelling at. Most of these purchases are harmless, little more than childish wish fulfillment played out at a higher testosterone level. But occasionally we go too far. The guy upstairs from me once boasted that he had a filter which filled his flat with "operating theater quality air." I kept him away from my surgical steel steak knives.
Why we are so bad at shopping.We've never been trained to do it the right way. Supermarkets are like giant booby traps for males -- which is why if you send a man out to get eggs, sugar and bread, you should not be surprised if he returns home with a case of beer, a pair of jeans and a tree.
The reason why we don't like to discuss The Relationship.Most of us will find any excuse to dodge those conversations that start with questions like "Are you really happy?" and "Where do you see us going?" A relationship is a delicate thing, like an antique clock, and we know what will happen if we start picking it apart. Often our reticence will result in a lengthy conversation about why we have trouble talking about... "The Relationship."
Why we think we can fix things.Almost all men believe they can repair virtually anything with a little patience. In reality, we're only half right. Men are extremely good at taking things apart: whether it's a dishwasher or an antique clock, a man can break it down to its most basic components in no time. Unfortunately, this is where our expertise usually leaves off, and we're mostly satisfied with leaving bits and pieces spread all over newspaper on the kitchen table.
Men and video games.Women cannot understand how grown men can waste huge chunks of their lives zapping things off a screen. When a man repeatedly rings his girlfriend to say he has to work late and routinely comes home at two in the morning all glassy eyed, she will usually take this as evidence of an affair -- when it's more likely that a pirated copy of Streetfighter II is making the rounds at the office.

Every Pol Pot joke ends the sa

Every Pol Pot joke ends the same way: “napalm intended!” …

The unwritten 11th commandment

The unwritten 11th commandment was “Thou shalt not bray like an animal.” But it was never officially goatified.

The U.S. state that employs th

The U.S. state that employs the most illegal immigrants has a nickname, ie Call-a-foreigner.

Another

Another update from South America's War on Drugs:

#joke #short

Every deaf man's dream i

Every deaf man's dream is to have aural sex.

I'm a bit confused about

I'm a bit confused about what the word ‘aloha' means. Is it ‘Hawaii doing?‘ or ‘Will you Maui me?'

NED: Wh

NED: Why don't you like the official web sites for any cities in France?
ED: Because – they're the epitome of e-ville.

Mary Jane was walking on the b

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.
The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"
Mary Jane laughed and laughed... She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!

If American Express started a

If American Express started a mail-order dildo business, member-ship would have its privileges.