The best jokes (1966 to 1980)

Reading a poem by Shakespeare

'I thought I'd begin by reading a poem by Shakespeare, but then I thought, why should I? He never reads any of mine.'

Spike Milligan (1918-2002)

Picture: Rex Features

Monday repeating itself

I've heard of history repeating itself, but this Monday thing has got to stop!

Sally was driving home from on

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona, when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, she got in the car.
After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo woman noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. "What's in the bag?" asked the old woman. Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my husband."
The Navajo woman was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."

A driver tucked a note under t

A driver tucked a note under the windshield wiper of his automobile saying, "I've circled this block for 20 minutes. I'm late for an appointment, and if I don't park in this no-parking zone I'll lose my job. Forgive us our trespasses."
When he came back, he found a parking ticket and this note: "I've circled this block for 20 years, and if I don't give you a ticket, I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."

Read Carefully

Read Carefully - Tongue Twister

Back seat...

Junior had just received his brand new drivers license. To celebrate, the whole family trooped out to the driveway and climbed into the car for his inaugural drive. Dad immediately headed to the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," said the beaming boy to his ol' man.

"Nope," came dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me for sixteen years."

What Children Do.............

** For those who already have children past this age, this is hilarious. ** For those who have children this age, this is not funny. ** For those who have children nearing this age, this is a warning. ** For those who have not yet had children, this is birth control.

The following came from an anonymous Mother in Austin, Texas:

Things I've learned from my Children (honest & no kidding):

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft house 4 inches deep.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with rollerblades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20x20 ft. room.

5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "uh oh," it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

10. Certain Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.

15. VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

24. The mind of a 6-year old is wonderful. First grade...true story:

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs in her class. She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building materials for his home. She read, "...And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, Pardon me sir, but may I have some of that straw to build my house?'" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that man said?"

One little boy raised his hand and said, "I think he said...'Holy sh_t! A talking pig!'"

The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

25. 60% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

A completely inebriated man wa...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in pal. You're obviously drunk." The wasted man asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?" "Yeah buddy, I'm sure," said the cop, "Let's go." Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness. I thought I was crippled."

A women accompanied her husban

A women accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die:
1. Each morning , fix him a healthy breakfast.
2. Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.
3. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.
4. For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.
5. Don't burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.
6. Don't discuss your problems with him.
On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her.
"You're going to die," she replied.

Don't Even Think About It

Tom decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally spoke.

"Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat".

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I wasn't. "

Old is when...

Your sweetie says, 'Let's go upstairs and make love,' and you answer, 'Honey, I can't do both!'

Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.

A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.

You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.

'Getting a little action' means, 'I don't need to take any fiber today.'

'Getting lucky' means you find your car in the parking lot.

You start saying things like, 'Gee, this sebaceous cyst is killing me!'

Someone mistakes you for a sun-dried tomato while you're shopping at the grocery store.

An 'all nighter' means not getting up to pee!

One day, Mom was cleaning juni

One day, Mom was cleaning junior's room, and in the closet she found abondage S+M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her. She hid themagazine until his father got home and showed it to him. He looked at itand handed it back to her with out a word.
She finally asked him, " Well what should we do about this?"
Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."

The Cab Ride

A cab driver pulled up at a stop sign near Central Park in New York. A stark naked woman jumped out from behind a bush, opened the back door of the cab and demanded to be taken to the airport. The cab driver kept looking back at his passenger in the rear view mirror, and she became irritated and said, "Why do you keep staring at me?" The cab driver replied, "Well, you don't have any clothes on and no place to carry any money and I am wondering how you are going to pay your fare?"
The woman opened her legs and pointed to her crotch and said, "How about me paying with this?"
The cab driver looked back at the woman and said, "Do you have anything smaller?"    

Fumbling With His Keys

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations.

At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his.

Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off.

Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test.

The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.

The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.”

A young man was walking throug...

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him. "Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently." "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?" "Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!" As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!" "Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.