The best jokes (1996 to 2010)

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunt...

A Yankee lawyer went duck hunting in eastern North Carolina. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly gentleman asked him what he was doing. The lawyer responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, I'm going into retrieve it." 
The old farmer replied. "This is my property, and you are not coming over here." 
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the U.S. and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything! 
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we do things here in North Carolina. We settle small disagreements like this with the NC Three-Kick Rule." 
The lawyer asked, "What is the NC three-Kick Rule?" 
The Farmer replied. "Well, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times, and so on, back and forth, until someone gives up." 
The Yankee attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and decided that he could easily take the old southerner. He agreed to abide by the local custom. 
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the city feller. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy work boot into the Yankee lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick nearly wiped the man's nose off his face. The barrister was flat on his belly when the farmer's third kick to a kidney nearly caused him to give up. 
The Yankee lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet and said, "Okay, you old redneck southerner, now it's my turn." 
The old North Carolina farmer smiled and said, "Now, I give up. You can have the duck."

Miss Bea, the church organist,

Miss Bea, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. The pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring,and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlor. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.
As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it, filledwith water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom.
Imagine his shock and surprise. Imagine his curiosity! Surely Miss Bea had flipped or something...!
When she returned with tea and cookies, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him, and he could resist no longer.
"Miss Bea," he said, "I wonder if you would tell me about this?" (pointing to the bowl).
"Oh, yes," she replied, "isn't it wonderful? I was walking downtown last fall and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to put it on the organ, keep it wet, and it would prevent disease. And you know... I haven't had a cold all winter."

Catsup

Little Johnny's mother was trying hard to get the catsup to come out of the bottle. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked four-year old Johnny to answer the phone.
Little Johnny ran out into the living room and answered the phone. "Mommy, It's the minister," he said to his mother.
From the kitchen Johnny's mom said, "Tell him I'll call him back."
Little Johnny spoke into the phone saying, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you right now. She's hitting the bottle."      

“Proper punctuation c

“Proper punctuation can make the difference between a sentence that's well-written and a sentence that's, well, written.”

A man and his wife were having

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were givingeach other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the nextday, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morningbusiness flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote ona piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AMand he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper bythe bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

A man and his wife, moved back

A man and his wife, moved back home to North Carolina, from Texas. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure itin Texas Was $2000.00 a year!
When they arrived in North Carolina, they went to an insurance Agency, to see how much it would cost to insurethe leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '$39.00.'
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here In North Carolina to insure, because it cost him$2000.00 in Texas!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: *Anywooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is $39.00.

Winking Problem

A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry....we can't hire you."
"But wait," he said. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will NOT have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"

"Oh," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"         

Little Johnny walked into the

Little Johnny walked into the kitchen, saw his mother making acake and announced, "I'll be playing in my room for the next twohours. I sure would like a piece of cake when you're finished."
Later, when his mother brought him a piece of cooled cake, LittleJohnny exclaimed, "Golly, it worked!"
Puzzled, his mother asked, "What do you mean?"
Little Johnny replied, "Daddy said that in order to get a piecearound here, you have to spend a couple of hours playing first!"

Invisible man

Nurse: "The invisible man is here for his appointment."
Doctor: "Tell him I'm sorry I can't see him right now."

A gang of robbers broke into a...

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us."
The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"

What happened? asked the hospital ...

"What happened?" asked the hospital visitor to the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
"Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn’t make it out."
"I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn’t see what the sign said."
"By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view."
"And did you manage to see what the sign said this time?" asked the visitor.
"Yes."
"What did it say?"
"Don’t stand up in the car!"

I'm going to make l...

“I'm going to make like a turtle and get the shell out of here!”

I love it

I love it when someone's laugh is funnier than the joke.

This useful tool is commonly f...

This useful tool is commonly found in the range of 8 inches long, the functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both sexes. It is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action. It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and a small hole at the other.
In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly, sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession, often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.
Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic, pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements. When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.
After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids have ceased emmanating, it is returned to its freely hanging state of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less. Ah yes, such are the characteristics of one's toothbrush!

Sudden Wind Storm

A policeman noticed an old lady standing on a street corner during a sudden windstorm.

She was bracing herself by holding a lightpost with one hand, and she was holding her hat snuggly against her head with her other hand.

Unfortunately, a strong gust blew her dress upward, and it continued to flap in the wind, exposing her privates for everyone to see.

The policeman asked, "Hey Lady, eveybody is taking a look at what you`ve got. Don`t you think that pulling your dress down is more important than worrying about your hat?"

"Look, sonny,.... what these people are looking at is 60 years old. ...But the hat is BRAND NEW!"