The best jokes (2011 to 2025)

An old Chinese couple was cele...

An old Chinese couple was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary. At bed time the old lady looked over at her husband of 4 decades and said, "For our anniversary I want you to pick any sexual pleasure you desire and I will do it".
The old man thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've always wanted to try the 69".
The old Chinese woman stared at her husband with a confused look on her face and said, "You want the beef with rice or chips?"

A frustrated wife buys a pair...

A frustrated wife buys a pair of crotchless panties in an attempt to spice up her dead sex life. She puts them on, together with a short skirt, and sits on the sofa opposite her husband.
At strategic moments she uncrosses her legs...
Enough times that her husband finally asks, "Are you wearing crotchless panties?"
"Y-e-s," she answers with a seductive smile.
"Thank f*** for that. I thought you were sitting on the cat."

Live, laugh, love

Live, laugh, love. If that doesn't work, load, aim and fire.

When you truly don't care

When you truly don't care when anyone thinks of you, you have reached a dangerously awesome level of freedom.

One day in class, the teacher...

One day in class, the teacher brought a bag full of fruit and said, "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit and you tell me which fruit I'm talking about. Alright, the first one is round, plump, and red. Little Johnny raised his hand high but the teacher ignored him and picked Deborah who promptly answered, "Apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now the second one is soft, fuzzy and colored red and brown." Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him but she calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, it's a potato, but I like your thinking," the teacher replies. "Okay the next one is long, yellow, and fairly hard." Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically but the teacher calls on Sally who say, "A banana." The teacher responds, "No, it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is irritated now so he speaks up loudly, "Hey, I've got one for you teacher. Let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it. It's round, hard, and it's got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries, "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

Happiest day of your life...

Congratulations my boy!" said the groom's uncle. "I'm sure you'll look back and remember today as the happiest day of your life."

"But I'm not getting married until tomorrow." Protested his nephew.

"I know," replied the uncle. "That's exactly what I mean."

I think there are ab...

“I think there are about 1-2 million baseball fields in the world, but that's just a ballpark number.”

Why don't some coup...

“Why don't some couples go to the gym?
- Because some relationships don't work out.”

A woman from New York was driv...

A woman from New York was driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down. An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town. She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off.
The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final "Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!" and rode off.
"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.
"Nothing," the woman answered. "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."
"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles".

A man boarded an airplane and...

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat... As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs.
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?" he said. "And what kind of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Jewish descent who are the best.
I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don't even know your name.."
"Tonto," the man said, "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."

A Fairy Tale Question

A young girl asked her father if all fairy tales begin with 'Once Upon A Time?'
'No,' he replied. 'A whole lot of them begin with 'If elected, I promise ...''

A teacher was finishing up a l

A teacher was finishing up a lesson on the joys of discovery and the importance of curiosity. "Where would we be today," she asked, "if no one had ever been curious?"
One child quietly spoke up from the back of the room. "In the Garden of Eden?"

A nervous attendant on a cross

A nervous attendant on a cross-country flight announced: "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!"

#16. "You know, stop lights do

#16. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."
#15. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new, they'll stretch after you wear them a while."
#14. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."
#11. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anythingI want to on the ticket, huh?"
#10. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help.Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"
#9. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8. "The answer to this last question will determine weather you are drunk or not.Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs, and step in monkey poop."
#6. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4. "How big were those 'Just two beers' you say you had?"
#3. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."
#2. "I'm glad to hear that Chief (of Police) Hawker is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."
AND THE WINNER IS...
#1. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

A lawyer was cross-examining t...

A lawyer was cross-examining the doctor about whether or not he had checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate. "No," the doctor said. "I did not check his pulse." "And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer. "No I did not," the doctor said. "So," said the lawyer, "when you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead." The doctor said, "Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was in a jar on my desk but, for all I know, he could be out practicing law somewhere."