The best jokes (211 to 225)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 211 to 225. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Flight To Australia
Why did Novak Djokovic pay for his flight to Australia with a Mastercard?
Because his Visa didn’t work.
Right baby
A Brit, a Welsh fellow, and a Pakistani gentleman were seated in the waiting area of a local hospital's maternity ward.
A nurse appears and informs the men, "Apologies, but we have encountered a mix-up, and we're unsure which baby belongs to which mother. Could any of you assist in figuring this out?"
The British man rises to the occasion and offers his help. He enters the ward and, after a short while, emerges holding a baby who is clearly of Pakistani descent. The Pakistani man stands up, exclaiming, "What do you think you're doing?!"
To which the British man replies, "Look, one of those babies is Welsh, I'm not taking any chances!"
A Taxi Driver and a Priest Die
He waits for a long time and finally goes to St. Peter and asks: "Why could that taxi driver go to the highest level of heaven and I, who all my life spoke about God, have to wait for such a long time?"St. Peter replies: "When you were speaking to the people at your church, everybody was sleeping. But when that taxi driver was driving, everybody prayed!" Wine Jokes That Will Make You Laugh Until You Can't Hold Your Bladder!
Q: What’s the secret to enjoying a good bottle of wine?
A: Open the bottle to let it breathe. If it looks like it’s not breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth!
Q: What did the grape do when someone stepped on it?
A: It let out a little wine!
Q: How do you determine how much wine to drink?
A: Just take it on a case-by-case basis.
Q: What is a woman’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A glass of wine in each hand!
A man sat with his wife while she sipped on her glass of wine, as she said, “I love you so much, you know. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Husband: Is that you or the wine talking?
Wife: It’s me talking to the wine.
A priest is sitting on a park bench mumbling to himself, when a police officer walks over. He smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and sees a wine bottle in a paper bag beside him.
Officer: Father, have you been drinking?
Priest: Just water.
Officer: Then why do I smell wine?
Priest: Good Lord! He’s done it again!
Q: How much should you spend on a bottle of wine?
A: I don’t know, maybe 20 minutes?
Customer: Can I get a bottle of McWine please?
Cashier: Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Young Man: Wow, 50 years. What’s your secret?
Older Man: Twice a week, we go out to a fancy dinner and drink a bottle of expensive wine. Tonight is my night. She gets Thursdays.
31 of the funniest jokes and best one-liners from comedians
Tim Vine Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.”
2. “I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.”
3. “I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah. I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'”
4. “This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'”
5. “This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'”
6. “Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note, it said ‘Parking Fine.’”
7. “Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.”
8. “I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'”
9. “Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.”
10. “I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'”
11. “Exit signs? They’re on the way out!”
12. “Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.”
13. “My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.”
Milton Jones Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “Years ago I used to supply Filofaxes for the mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.”
2. “My wife – it’s difficult to say what she does. She sells seashells on the seashore.”
3. “Hard to tell if people are interested in joining my Sarcastic Club or not…”
4. “Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!”
5. “You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.”
6. “The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.”
7. “I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.”
Ken Dodd Jokes and Oneliners:
1. “I have kleptomania. But when it gets bad, I take something for it.”
2. “I told the Inland Revenue I don’t owe them a penny. I live by the seashore.”
Miscellaneous Authors:
1. "The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing somebody’s cast." - Demetri Martin
2. "I usually meet my girlfriend at 12:59 because I like that one-to-one time." - Tom Ward
3. "My New Year’s resolution is to get in shape. I choose round." - Sarah Millican
4. "Hedgehogs – why can’t they just share the hedge?" - Dan Antolpolski
5. "Toughest job I ever had? Selling doors, door-to-door." - Bill Bailey
6. "I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn’t find any." - Tommy Cooper
7. "I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘Let’s make this interesting’. So we stopped playing chess." - Matt Kirshen
8. "A cement mixer collided with a prison van. Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for 16 hardened criminals." - Peter Kay
9. "Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One said: ‘Oo, oo, aah.’ The other replied:‘Put some cold in then.’" - Harry Hill
The Shower
Ray shows up at the bar all out of breath so Dewey asks him what the hell is wrong with you?
So Ray says "Ive been running from the cops but I finally lost them"
Dewey then asked "what the hell did you do?"
Ray replied " I was pissing in the shower and the cops showed up to arrest me!"
"Thats not against the law" said Dewey,
"Thats what I thought," said Ray.
"But those guys at Home Depot sure must of thought it was"
Lizard Jokes - to celebrate World Lizard Day
August 14th is World Lizard Day. Get involved with celebrating World Lizard Day by sharing some Lizard jokes
I returned my lizard to the pet store as he wouldn’t stop telling dad jokes.
That’s not a lizard, the store clerk told me.
That’s a stand-up chameleon
I saw a lizard ...
and it became a spotted lizard
What do lizards like to eat with their hamburgers?
French flies
Why did the lizard go on a diet?
Because it was overweight according to its scales.
What do lizards put on their kitchen floors?
Rep-tiles
What is a reptile’s favorite movie?
The Lizard of Oz
What’s a lizard’s favorite sport?
Cricket.
What did the mom chameleon say to her nervous kid on the first day of school?
“Don’t worry, you’ll blend right in!”
Why are lizards so mean and selfish?
Because they are too cold-blooded.
What is a gecko who knows magic called?
A: A Lizard Wizard.
A man walks into a bar with a lizard on his shoulder.
Walks into a bar
He goes up to the barman and says:
I'll have a pint please and a gin and tonic for Tiny here
The barman starts making the drinks and asks
Why do you call him Tiny?
The guy says:
Because he's my newt.
English lessons
A missionary suddenly realizes that the one thing he hasn't yet taught the natives he serves is how to speak English, so he takes the chief for a walk in the jungle.
He points to a tree and says to the chief: "This is a tree." The chief looks at the tree and grunts: "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says: "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts: "Rock."
The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes.
As he peeks over the top, he sees a couple of the natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity. Flustered, the missionary quickly says to the chief: "Riding a bike."
The chief looks at the preoccupied couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.
The missionary goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other.
"How could you kill these people in cold blood that way?" he demands.
"My bike," the chief replies.
The Golden Saloon...
A guy comes home completely drunk one night. He lurches through the door and is met by his scowling wife, who is most definitely not happy.
"Where the hell have you been all night?" she demands.
"At this fantastic new bar," he says. "The Golden Saloon. Everything there is golden. It's got huge golden doors, a golden floor, the works - even the urinal's gold!"
The wife still doesn't believe his story, and the next day checks the phone book, finding a place across town called the Golden Saloon. She calls up the place to check her husband's story.
"Is this the Golden Saloon?" she asks when the bartender answers the phone.
"Yes it is," bartender answers.
"Do you have huge golden doors?"
"Sure do."
"Do you have golden floors?"
"Most certainly do."
"What about golden urinals?"
There's a long pause, then the woman hears the bartender yelling, "Hey, Duke, I think I got a lead on the guy that peed in your saxophone last night!"
>You know yo're getting old
You know yo're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
George Burns (1896-1996)
Picture: REX FEATURES
