The best jokes (226 to 240)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 226 to 240. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Love Versus Marriage
What’s the difference between love and marriage?
Love is one long, sweet dream and marriage is the alarm clock.
The Only One
I asked my wife if I am the only one she has ever been with.
She said, "Yes, all the others were nines and tens."
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather
Fellow 1 : "Now my grandfather, he knew the exact day of the year that he was going to die. It was the right year too. Not only that, but he knew what time he would die that day, and he was right about that too."Fellow 2 : "Wow, that's Incredible. How did he know all of that?"
Fellow 1 : "A judge told him."
When a customer slid into the
When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut."Make it short," the customer replied, "with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear."
The barber looked puzzled and said, "I don't think I can do that."
The customer replied, "I don't know why not–that's the way you cut it the last time I was here!"
I'm forming a Kindergart
I'm forming a Kindergarten Metal band. Gonna call it AB/CD.Body Building
My wife just completed a 40-week body building routine...
It's a baby boy, weighing 7 pounds!
Too Un-American
My girlfriend just broke up with me for being too un-American...
But honestly, I saw it coming from a kilometer away.
The Best At Getting the Girls
Why do archaeologists get all the girls?
Because they have the best dating techniques.
Have to write a letter of reco
Have to write a letter of recommendation for that fired employee? Here are a few suggested phrases:For the chronically absent:
"A man like him is hard to find."
"It seemed her career was just taking off."
For the office drunk:
"I feel his real talent is wasted here."
"We generally found him loaded with work to do."
"Every hour with him was a happy hour."
For an employee with no ambition:
"He could not care less about the number of hours he had to put in."
"You would indeed be fortunate to get this person to work for you."
"He consistently achieves the low standards he sets for himself."
For an employee who is so unproductive that the job is better left unfilled:
"I can assure you that no person would be better for the job."
For an employee who is not worth further consideration as a job candidate:
"I would urge you to waste no time in making this candidate an offer of employment."
"All in all, I cannot say enough good things about this candidate or recommend him too highly."
For a stupid employee:
"There is nothing you can teach a man like him."
"I most enthusiastically recommend this candidate with no qualifications whatsoever."
For a dishonest employee:
"Her true ability was deceiving."
"He's an unbelievable worker."
Useful Work Tips
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Useful Work TipsHere are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace:
If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'...
If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'...
If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'...
If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'...
If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'...
If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you...
If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate...
If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground
the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'...
Never criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing'...
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a 'positive learning experience'...
Never argue, have an 'adult conversation'...
Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights...
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt...
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted...
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do...
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before...
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get...
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat...
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day...
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves...
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office...
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back...
Everything can be filed under "pending."...
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour...
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy...
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing...
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail...
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it...
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk...
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't...
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done...
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying...
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried...
Following the rules will not get the job done...
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules...
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"...
No matter how much you do, you never do enough...
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong...
Did Noah Go Fishing?
A Sunday school teacher was teaching her young students about Noah and the ark. She asked them what they thought Noah may have done to pass the time in the ark for forty years. After waiting a few moments, the teacher suggested, “Maybe he did a lot of fishing. How about that?”One little boy gave her a funny look and said, “I don't think so. It’s kinda hard to fish with just two worms!”I just got a job running Old M
I just got a job running Old McDonald's farm. I'm the new CEIEIO.International Joke Day Jokes
International Joke Day, celebrated on July 1 every year, is an occasion to crack a joke or two with your friends and family.
Find funny short jokes here!
1. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because she was outstanding in her field.
2. How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see their wheels turning.
3. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.
4. What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
The staircase.
5. What kind of shoes do frogs love?
Open-toad!
6. How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper?
He sent her a pee-mail.
7. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.
8. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
9. Why do ducks always pay with cash?
Because they always have bills!
10. How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!
11. Which superhero hits home runs?
Batman!
12. What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone?
Snapchat.
13. Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?
Sandy, obviously!
14. What is a room with no walls?
A mushroom.
15. Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test!
16. What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.
17. What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it.
18. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.
19. Why is a football stadium always cold?
It has lots of fans!
20. What did one math book say to the other?
“I’ve got so many problems.”
21. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!
22. What do you call two bananas on the floor?
Slippers.
23. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
24. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt quacks.
25. How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern…”
26. A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived?
Married couples.
27. What kind of math do birds love?
Owl-gebra!
28. Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
29. What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.
30. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
31. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.
32. How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge!
14 Jokes to brighten your day
A termite walks into a bar and asks
- Is the bar tender here?
What do you call a caveman's fart?
A blast from the past.
I was having a bad day, and my friend said,
'At least you're not stuck in a hole in the ground full of water.'
I knew he meant well.
A guy walks into a doctor's office, butt ass naked, but wrapped head-to-toe in cellophane.
The doctor takes one look at the guy and says,
'Well...I can clearly see your nuts.'
- Why couldn't the lifeguard rescue the hippie?'
- Because he was too far out, man.
The chicken and the egg are in bed.
The chicken rolls over and lights a cigarette, and the egg says,
'Well, I guess that answers *that* question.'
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
Why don't anteaters ever get sick?
Because they are full of little anty-bodies.
A tire thief is at large ...
and the police are working tirelessly to catch him.
A man went to see his doctor and the doctor said to him,
'I have some bad news and some worse news for you.'
So the man asks, 'OK, so what’s the bad news?'
The doctor says, 'You only have 24 hours to live.'
The man, obviously shocked by this, says, 'Oh my god, that’s terrible!'
Then he says, 'Wait a minute — what’s the worse news?'
Doctor: 'I should have told you yesterday.'
Two men are standing by the roadside when a tractor drives past.
The driver is ranting and shouting, 'The end of the world is nigh!'
One guy says, 'Oh no, we’re all gonna die, what shall we do?'
His friend replies, 'Don’t worry about him, that’s just Farmer Geddon!'
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it takes a long time and the light bulb has to want to change.
How do ghosts go through locked doors?
AWith a skeleton key!
What did the zero say to the eight?
'Nice belt.'
