The best jokes (4996 to 5010)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 4996 to 5010. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A Criminal Lawyer
"Excuse me," a young fellow said to an older man, "I've just moved here and I wonder if this town has any criminal lawyers?"
"Well," replied the older man, "I have lived here all my life and all I can tell you is we are pretty sure we do, but no one has been able to prove it yet."
#joke #lawyer
Boss to the new employee: We a
Boss to the new employee: We are very keen on cleanliness. Did you wipe your feet on the mat as you came in?New employee: Yes, sir.
Boss: We are also keen on truthfulness. There is no mat.
#joke #short
The Lackluster Limo Driver
There was this limo driver who was in business for 25 years without a single customer...
All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
#joke #short
A man was walking in the stree
A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice."Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brickwill fall down on your head and kill you."The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front ofhim. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross theroad. Once again the voice shouted: "Stop! Stand still!If you take one more step a car will run over you andyou will die."
The man did as he was instructed, just as a car camecareening around the corner, barely missing him. "Whereare you?" the man asked. "Who are you?"
"I am your guardian angel," the voice answered.
"Oh yeah?" the man asked. "And where the hell were youwhen I got married?"
#joke
Another Recital
“Today,” said the professor, “I will be lecturing about the kidneys, intestines, pancreas, and the liver.”
One med student leaned toward his friend sitting next to him, “Great, we have to sit through another organ recital.”
#joke #short
A man and a little boy entered
A man and a little boy entered a barbershop together. After the man received the full treatment - shave, shampoo, manicure, haircut, etc. - he placed the boy in the chair."I'm going to buy a green tie to wear for the parade," he said. "I'll be back in a few minutes."
When the boy's haircut was completed and the man still hadn't returned, the barber said, "Looks like your daddy's forgotten all about you."
"That wasn't my daddy," said the boy. "He just walked up, took me by the hand and said, 'Come on, son, we're gonna get a free haircut!'"
#joke
A man is driving down a desert
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son", the nun answers. "Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.
#joke
A wife begins to get a little
A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway."What happened?" asked the wife. "You should have been home hours ago!"
"Gus had a heart attack at the third hole," replied the husband.
"Oh, that's terrible," said the wife.
"I know," the husband answered. "All day long it was, hit the ball, drag Gus, hit the ball, drag Gus . . . "
#joke #sport #golf
The "Claven Theory" offers the
The "Claven Theory" offers the besy proof that beer actually does make you smarter....."One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm. and here's how it went:Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Don't you feel smarter after a few?
Tattoo Your Name
Husband: "I want to tattoo your name on me. What do you think, shall I do it on my arm or neck?"
Wife: "How about on your will?"
#joke #short
