The best jokes (5011 to 5025)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 5011 to 5025. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A drunk man got on to a bus la
A drunk man got on to a bus late one night, staggered up the aisle, and slumped down next to an elderly woman.She looked the man sternly and said, "I've got news for you young man - you're going straight to hell!"
The drunk man jumped up and screamed, "Oh bugger, I'm on the wrong bus!"
A man and his girlfriend are h
A man and his girlfriend are having a sexual encounter.He asks her to "go downtown", so, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts peering at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.
After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of peeved voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"
She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money -- just looking."
Breaking Up
My boyfriend and I broke up.
He wanted to get married... I didn't want him to.
Some guy called me a tool.
Some guy called me a tool. So I got hammered and nailed his girlfriend. Guess he was right.
Handy Man 'To Do' List
Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.
Turns out, he only does odd jobs.
True Love
Boyfriend: Honey, on this Valentine's Day, I want to tell you something... I'm not rich like Robert. I don't have a mansion like Gary. I don't have a Porsche like Martin. But I do love you and I want to marry you.
Girlfriend: Oh dear, I love you too! What was that you said about Martin?
I Don't Want Any Kids
I had a vasectomy because I didn't want any kids...
When I got home, they were still there.
Directions
Pete and Larry had not seen each other in many years. Now they had a long talk trying to fill in the gap of those years by telling about their lives. Finally Pete invited Larry to visit him in his new apartment.
"I've got a wife and three kids and I'd love to have you visit us."
"Great. Where do you live?"
"Here's the address. And there's plenty of parking behind the apartment. Park and come around to the front door, kick it open with your foot, go to the elevator and press the button with your left elbow, then enter! When you reach the sixth floor, go down the hall until you see my name on the door. Then press the doorbell with your right elbow and I'll let you in."
"Good. But tell me...what is all this business of kicking the front door open, then pressing elevator buttons with my right, then my left elbow?"
"Surely, you're not coming empty-handed."
Cat Scan
A woman took her dog to the vet. She said, "I think my dog is dead". The doctor laid the dog on the table and reached down and took a cat out of a box. The cat walked all over the dog and the dog didn't move. "Yes, your dog is dead," says the doctor.
"How much do I owe you?" the lady asks.
"$345," says the doctor.
"$345!!?" the lady asks.
"Yes. $45 for the office visit and $300 for the cat scan."
Check My Balance
I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad...
But when I went in the other day and asked the clerk to check my balance . . . .
She leaned over and pushed me!
A motorist was driving down th
A motorist was driving down the highway and all of a sudden he hit a sparrow.He pulled over, picked the poor sparrow who was still alive, but unconscious. He decided to take him home.
When the motorist got home, he put the sparrow in a cage, leaving him some bread and water inside.
When the sparrow came back to life, he looked around and said, "Bars, bread, water... Oh my God! I have killed the motorist!!!"
Totally Worn Out
Why is it that everyone is so worn out on April 01?
They have just endured a March of 31 days!
Heart Chaser
The pretty lady at the DMV recommended to me that I sign up to be an organ donor....
That's when I realized she was a girl after my own heart!
