The best jokes (5011 to 5025)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 5011 to 5025. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Rosary and Two Martinis
A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?"Burglar
"Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.
"Did he get anything?" his mates asked.
"Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."
A sergeant was addressin...
A sergeant was addressing a squad of 20 and said: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest." 19 men raised their hands, and the sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?" The man replied: "Too much trouble, sarge."
Watermelons
There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons.After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next night, the kids showed up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons were missing, but the sign next to his read, "Now there are two!"
Exit Interview
Dr. Leroy, the head psychiatrist at the local mentalhospital, is examining patients to see if they're cured and
ready to re-enter society.
"So, Mr. Clark," the doctor says to one of his patients, "I
see by your chart that you've been recommended for dismissal.
Do you have any idea what you might do once you're
released?"
The patient thinks for a moment, then replies, "Well, I went
to school for mechanical engineering. That's still a good
field, good money there. But on the other hand, I thought I
might write a book about my experience here in the hospital,
what it's like to be a patient here. People might be
interested in reading a book like that. In addition, I
thought I might go back to college and study art history,
which I've grown interested in lately."
Dr. Leroy nods and says, "Yes, those all sound like
intriguing possibilities."
The patient replies, "And the best part is, in my spare
time, I can go on being a teapot."
Everybody on earth dies ...
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.
God comes and says "I want the men to make two lines -- one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.
God got mad and said "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
The man replied "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."
A blonde came home from school...
A blonde came home from school one day and said to her mom, "Ican count higher then all the kids in my second grade class, do
you think it is because I am a blonde?" Her mother replied, "Of
couse it is, dear."
The next day, the blonde said, "I can say the alphabet higher
then anyone in my class, do you think it is because I am a
blonde?"
Her mother replied, "Of course it is dear!"
The next day the blonde came home from her gymnastics and asked
her mother, "I have bigger breasts then all the kids in my
class, do you think its because I am a blonde?"
Her mother replied, "No dear, I'm sorry, I think it is because
you are eighteen years old."
Mike Birbiglia: Mike Birbiglia
Ive been listening to this rapper, Busta Rhymes. Sometimes hell say a really good rhyme, and hell say his name afterwards. Hell be like, Cat in the hat, and that was that -- Busta Rhymes. I really like that. Id like to do that with jokes. Like, I like drinking coffee, but if I ever reach a point in my life where the best part of waking up is Folgers in my cup, Im not sure I wanna wake up -- Mike Birbiglia.A man moves into a new flat an...
A man moves into a new flat and invites a few of his friends around for a housewarming drink.He's got lots of lovely furniture but then one of his friends sees an old hammer hanging on the wall and says, "What's that dirty old hammer doing there?" The man replies: "Oh, that's not a hammer, it's a talking clock. Look, I'll show you."
So he picks up the hammer and starts banging it against the wall, whereupon a voice comes from next door shouting: "Keep it down in there, it's almost half past ten!"
Laurel and Hardy jokes-Dead or Alive?
Hardy: “Alive.”
Laurel: “You mostly lie to me. I don't know whether to trust you or not.”
Hardy: “Then I must be dead. You won't dare to call me a liar if I were alive.”
Get Me My Drink
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks, "And get me a whisky you cow!" The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls, "And get me another whisky you bitch". Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrot's approach, "I've asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or I'll kick your ass".
Next moment both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says, "For someone who can't fly you're a lippy bastard!"
Write this one down
Knock, knock
Who's there?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil?
You ever hear the joke about the broken pencil who?
Nevermind, it's pointless.
