The best jokes (5611 to 5625)

I recently had a visitor from...

I recently had a visitor from the state of Texas. For three days all I heard from him was "In Texas we have the best this, the largest that, the fastest that," etc. It eventually became very annoying.
Being from Niagra Falls, I thought I could outdo him by showing him the "Mighty Niagara", knowing there was nothing in Texas that could compare to this "Wonder of Water and Power".
While standing at the brink watching millions of gallons of water rushing over, I noticed the look of awe in his eyes. It was then I asked him: "Do you have anything like this in Texas?"
He waited a moment before he answered: "No, but we have a plumber that could fix it."

Valentine's day is so close

Valentine's day is so close

A man comes running to the doc

A man comes running to the doctor shouting and screaming in pain "Please doctor, you've got to help me. I've been stung by a bee."
Doctor: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."
Man: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles away by now."
Doctor: "No, you don't understand! I'll put some cream on the place you were stung."
Man: "Oh! It happened in the garden where I was sitting under a tree."'
Doctor (in anger): "No, no, you idiot! I mean on which part of your body did that bee sting."
Man : "On my finger! The bee stung me on my finger and it really hurts."
Doctor: "No, I mean which one?"
Man (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the same to me."

Every guy

Every guy thinks that every girls dream is to find the perfect guy….Please, every girls dream is to eat without getting fat.

A man boards a plane with six

A man boards a plane with six kids. After they get settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle leans over to him and asks, "Are all of those kids yours?" He replies, "No. I work for a condom company. These are customer complaints."

Some people remind me of

Some people remind me of old TV sets. You have to hit them a few times until they get the picture.

 Who Is On First?

Who's On First
(Sketch by Bud Abbot and Lou Costello)
LOU: I love baseball. When we get to St. Louis, will you tell me the guys' name on the team so when I go to see them in that St. Louis ball park I'll be able to know those fellows?
BUD: All right. But you know, strange as it may seems, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names, nick names, like "Dizzy Dean." Now on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
LOU: That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.
BUD: I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know is on third --
LOU: You know the fellows' names?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, then who's playin' first.
BUD: Yes
LOU: I mean the fellow's name on first base.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first base.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Well, what are you askin' me for?
BUD: I'm not asking you -- I'm telling you. WHO IS ON FIRST.
LOU: I'm asking you -- who's on first?
BUD: That's the man's name!
LOU: That's who's name?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Well, go ahead and tell me.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The guy on first.
BUD: Who.
LOU: The first baseman.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: Have you got a first baseman on first?
BUD: Certainly.
LOU: Then who's playing first?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: (pause) When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?
BUD: Every dollar of it. And why not, the man's entitled to it.
LOU: Who is?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So who gets it?
BUD: Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.
LOU: Who's wife?
BUD: Yes. After all the man earns it.
LOU: Who does?
BUD: Absolutely.
LOU: Well all I'm trying to find out is what's the guys name on first base.
BUD: Oh, no, no, What is on second base.
LOU: I'm not asking you who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: That's what I'm trying to find out.
BUD: Well, don't change the players around.
LOU: I'm not changing nobody.
BUD: Now, take it easy.
LOU: What's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's the guy's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third. We're not talking about him.
LOU: How could I get on third base?
BUD: You mentioned his name.
LOU: If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?
BUD: No, Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay offa first, will ya?
BUD: Well what do you want me to do?
LOU: Now what's the guy's name on first base?
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I'm not asking ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: He's on third.
LOU: There I go back on third again.
BUD: Well, I can't change their names.
LOU: Say, will you please stay on third base.
BUD: Please. Now what is it you want to know.
LOU: What is the fellow's name on third base.
BUD: What is the fellow's name on second base.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who's on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD: THIRD BASE!
LOU: You got an outfield?
BUD: Oh, sure.
LOU: St. Louis has got a good outfield?
BUD: Oh, absolutely.
LOU: The left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: I don't know, I just thought I'd ask.
BUD: Well, I just thought I'd tell you.
LOU: Them tell me who's playing left field.
BUD: Who's playing first.
LOU: Stay out of the infield!
BUD: Don't Don't mention any names out here.
LOU: I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field?
BUD: What is on second.
LOU: I'm not askin' ya who's on second.
BUD: Who is on first.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (together and calmly) Third base.
LOU: And the left fielder's name?
BUD: Why.
LOU: Because.
BUD: Oh he's Center Field.
LOU: (whimpers) Center field.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on this team.
BUD: Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.
LOU: I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: You don't want to tell me today?
BUD: I'm tell you, man.
LOU: Then go ahead.
BUD: Tomorrow.
LOU: What time?
BUD: What time what?
LOU: What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?
BUD: Now listen, Who is not pitching. Who is on --
LOU: I'LL BREAK YOU ARM IF YOU SAY "WHO'S ON FIRST!"
BUD: Then why come up here and ask?
LOU: I want to know what's the pitcher's name.
BUD: What's on second.
LOU: I don't know.
BUD & LOU: (VERY QUICKLY) THIRD BASE!
LOU: You gotta Catcher?
BUD: Yes.
LOU: The Catcher's name?
BUD: Today.
LOU: Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: That's all. St. Louis hat a couple of days on their team.
BUD: Well I can't help that.
LOU: You know I'm a good catcher too.
BUD: I know that.
LOU: I would like to play for the St. Louis team.
BUD: Well I might arrange that.
LOU: I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good Catcher, tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now when he bunts the ball -- me being a good catcher -- I want to throw the guy out a first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?
BUD: Now that's the first thing you've said right.
LOU: I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!
BUD: Well, that's all you have to do.
LOU: is to throw it to first base.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: Now who's got it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Who has it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: Now you've got it.
LOU: I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.
BUD: No you don't you throw the ball to first base.
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: O.K.
BUD: All right.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't you throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Well, naturally. Say it that way.
LOU: That's what I said.
BUD: You did not.
LOU: I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You don't. You throw it to Who.
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Yes.
LOU: So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.
BUD: No. You throw the ball to first base--
LOU: Then who gets it?
BUD: Naturally.
LOU: That's what I'm saying.
BUD: You're not saying that.
LOU: I throw the ball to Naturally.
BUD: You throw it to Who!
LOU: Naturally.
BUD: Naturally. Well say it that way.
LOU: THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING!
BUD: Now don't get excited.
LOU: Whose gettin excited!! I throw the ball to first base--
BUD: Then Who gets it.
LOU: (annoyed) HE BETTER GET IT!
BUD: That's it. All right now. Take it easy.
LOU: Hrmmph.
BUD: Hrmmph.
LOU: Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is grabs the ball, so the guy runs to second.
BUD: Uh-huh.
LOU: Who picks up the ball and throws it to what. What throws it to I don't know. I don't know throws it back to tomorrow -- a triple play.
BUD: Yeah. It could be.
LOU: Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to center. Why? I don't know, he's on third, and I don't give a darn.
BUD: What did you say.
LOU: I said "I don't give a darn."
BUD: Oh, that's our shortstop!
LOU: ABBOTT!

For chocolate lovers...

If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.

Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.

The problem How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car. The solution Eat it in the parking lot.

Diet tip Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.

An icebox of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.Isn't that handy?

If you can't eat all your chocolate,it will keep inthe freezer...But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?

If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge. Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate to protect themselves.

If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet? Don't they actually counteract each other?

Money talks. Chocolate sings.

Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous? A. Because no one wants to quit.

If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top pantyhose. An entire garment industry would be devastated.

Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today. That way, at least you'll get one thing done.

The Police Officer's Christmas

Twas the night before Christmas

and throughout the substation,

Not a deputy stirred,

they were all on vacation.

The stockings were hung

on the wall with great care,

Next to some T-shirts

and old underwear.

I was working the night shift

compiling stats,

Answering the phone,

and feeding the rat.

When all of a sudden

there arose such a clatter,

I leapt from my desk

to see what was the matter!

I opened the door

with a creak and a crick,

And saw a jolly red fat man

I knew must be St. Nick.

I had seen his picture

a time or two,

He was wanted:

Article 27 - Section 342.

I threw open the door

and commanded him "Freeze!"

"Put your hands on you head

and get down on your knees."

But he turned and he ran,

up the chimney he flew,

With me in pursuit,

toward Booth St. I knew.

When we got to the roof

Santa made for his sleigh,

Throwing down toys

and blocking my way.

As I got to the peak,

he threw down some crack,

I slipped and I fell

landing flat on my back.

To my front I was faced

with a toy M-1 tank,

And Pink Power Rangers

covering my flank.

"On Dasher, on Dancer!",

he cried loud and clear.

Then I got off three rounds

and dropped the lead deer.

And I heard Santa say

as he sailed into the blue,

"Merry Christmas to all!

My Lawyers will sue!"

Chicken coop doors

Q: Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?

A: Because if it had four, it would be chicken sedan.

Illegal Scandinavian immigrant

Illegal Scandinavian immigrants aka artificial Swedeners. Immigration to Scandinavia is Oslo process, but there's Norway around it. Don't try to sneak in unless you can a fjord to pay off some skerry-looking folks.

Two middle-aged couples go on

Two middle-aged couples go on a camping trip. The men stay in one tent and the women stay in the other.
At about two in the morning one man wakes up and says, "Oh my gosh!"
The other guy wakes up and asks, "What's wrong?"
The man says, "I gotta go find my wife, I just woke up with the biggest erection I've ever had!!!"
"Want me to come with you?" asks the other guy.
"Why would you do that?"
"Because you're holding my d***."

People don't always post on my Facebook wall

People don't always post on my Facebook wall but when they do, they wish me happy birthday and then ignore me for another year.

 Doctor Doctor Collection 03

Doctor Doctor I think I'm a moth.
So why did you come around then?
Well, I saw this light at the window...!
Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee
Have you tried taking the spoon out?
Doctor, Doctor I feel like a spoon!
Well sit still and don't stir!
Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pack of cards.
I'll deal with you later.
Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?
Of course. Just take this hammer and hit yourself in the head. Then you'll have a bad headache.
Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking there is two of me
One at a time please
Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?
I never make rash promises!

In the zoo

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very horny and difficult to handle and, upon examination, the zoo veterinarian found that the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla of the species available.

While reflecting on their problem the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals' cages. Mike it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy a female, but he wasn't very bright. So the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution and Mike was approached with a proposition: would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?

Mike showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions.

'First,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kiss her.

Secondly I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from the union.'

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.

'Well,' said Mike, 'you've gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.'