The best jokes (5701 to 5715)

The REAL College Plan

College is really just kidnapping done backwards...
If you don’t give us a ridiculously large amount of money, we’ll send you your child back!

A grade school teacher was ins

A grade school teacher was instructing her students on the value of coins. She took a half-dollar and laid it on her desk. "Can any of you tell me what it is?" she asked.
From the back of the room came the answer: "Tails!"

Three old ladies are sitting o

Three old ladies are sitting on a park bench when a flasher comes by and opens his trench coat right in front of them.
The first old lady has a stroke.
The second old lady has a stroke.
But the third old lady can't reach that far.

Coffee Tastes Like Mud

Customer: "Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud."
Waiter: "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Regrettable Means

What's the most regrettable means of communication?
Remorse code

Signs to Hang in the Office

I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
I loathe people who keep dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves.
On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
I have not yet begun to procrastinate.
I don't suffer from stress. I'm just a carrier.
Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.

Fulfilling A Fantasy

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy...
That we have health insurance.

He was in ecstasy, with a huge

He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forwards, then backwards, forward, then backwards again... back and forth... back and forth... in and out... in and out.
She could feel the sweat on her forehead and between her breasts, and trickling down the small of her back, she was getting near to the end.
Her heart was pounding... her face was flushed... then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted, "OK, OK! I can't park the freaking car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

One day a man came home from w

One day a man came home from work and he was greeted by his wife. She told that she has good news and that she had bad news.
He said, "Well, give me the good news first."
She said, "The good news is that the air bag works."

Scotsmen are easily la

Scotsmen are easily lamb-pooned.

A Chinese man had three daught

A Chinese man had three daughters. He asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest," said the eldest daughter.
He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest," said the second daughter.
He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry.
"I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground," said the youngest daughter.

The Best Flight Attendants

"Kulua Airlines is pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...
... Unfortunately none of them are on this flight!"

If you don’t have anything nice to say…

An aspiring Yogi wanted to find a Guru. He went to an Ashram and his preceptor told him, "You can stay here but we have one important rule: all students observe Mouna or a vow of silence. You will be allowed to speak in 12 years." After practicing for 12 long years, the day came when the student could say his one thing or ask his one question.He said: "The bed is too hard."He kept going for another 12 years of austere discipline, meditation and silence and finally got the opportunity to speak again. He said: "The food is not good."Twelve more years of hard work and he got to speak again. Here are his words after 36 years of practice: "I quit."His Guru quickly answered: "Good, all you have been doing anyway is complaining."

Riding Sky High

Life is like a helicopter.
I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

Calming Tropical Fish

Apparently, keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain.
Must be all the indoor-fins.