The best jokes (5926 to 5940)

A man and his wife were ...

A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. He finally jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.

The next day the wife feeling bad about what happened decided to buy her husband a gift, and since he was an avid golfer she went to the pro shop where he usually played golf. She talked with the pro and he suggested a putter and he showed her one of his finest.

"How much is it?" she asked.

"One hundred and fifty dollars," he replied.

She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.

"But it comes with an inscription," he said.

"What kind of inscription?" she asked.

"Whatever you wish," he explained, "but one of the old golfers favourites is, 'NEVER UP, NEVER IN."

"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place!"

Mathematical Sex

Wher...

Mathematical Sex

Wherein it is related how that Polygon of Womanly Virtue, your Polly Nomial (our heroine) is accosted by that Notorious Villain Curly Pi, and factored (oh, horror).

Once upon a time ( 1/T ), Pretty Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the boundary of a singularly large matrix. Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she never enter such an array without her brackets on. Polly, however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored this condition on the basis that it was insufficient, and made her way amongst the complex elements.

Rows and columns closed in from all sides. Tangents approached her surface. She became tensor and tensor. Quite suddenly, two branches of a hyperbola touched her at a single point. She oscillated violently, lost all sense of directrix, and went completely divergent. As she reached a turning point, she tripped over a square root that was protruding from the erf and plunged headlong down a steep gradient. When she rounded off once more, she found herself inverted, apparently alone, in a non-Euclidian space.

She was being watched, however. That smooth operator, Curly Pi, was lurking innerproduct. As his eyes devoured her curvilinear coordinates, a singular expression crossed his face. He wondered, was she still convergent? He decided to integrate improperly at once.

Hearing a common fraction behind her, Polly rotated and saw Curly Pi approaching with his power series extrapolated. She could see at once by his degenerate conic and dissipative terms that he was bent on no good. "Arcsinh," she gasped.

"Ho, ho," he said. "What a symmetric little asymptote you have. I can see your angles have a lot of secs."

"Oh, sir," she protested, "keep away from me. I haven't got my brackets on."

"Calm yourself, My Dear," said our Suave Operator. "Your fears are purely imaginary."

"I, I," she thought, "perhaps he's not normal but homologous."

"What order are you?" the Brute demanded.

"Seventeen," replied Polly.

Curly leered. "I suppose you've never been operated on."

"Of course not," Polly replied quite properly. "I'm absolutely convergent."

"Come, come," said Curly, "Let's off to a decimal place I know and I'll take you to the limit."

"Never," gasped Polly.

"Abscissa," he swore, using the vilest oath he knew. His patience was gone. Coshing her over the coefficient with a log until she was powerless, Curly removed her discontinuities. He stared at her significant places, and began smoothing out her points of inflection. Poor Polly. The algorithmic method was now her only hope. She felt his hand tending to her asymptotic limit. Her convergence would soon be gone forever.

There was no mercy, for Curly was a heavyside operator. Curly's radius squared itself; Polly's loci quivered. He integrated by parts. He integrated by partial fractions. After he cofactored, he performed rungecutta on her. The complex beast even went all the way around and did a contour integration. Curly went on operating until he had satisfied her hypothesis, then he exponentiated and became completely orthogonal.

When Polly got home that night, her mother noticed that she was no longer piecewise continuous, but had been truncated in several places. But is was too late to differentiate now. As the months went by, Polly's denominator increased monotonically. Finally, she went to the L'Hopital and generated a small but pathological function which left surds all over the place and drove Polly to deviation.

The moral of our sad story is this:
'If you want to keep your expressions convergent, never allow them a single degree of freedom...'

An attorney ran over to the of...

An attorney ran over to the office of his client. “I can’t believe it!” said the angered attorney. “You sent a case of Dom Perignon to the judge in our case? That judge is as straight as an arrow. Now we’re certain to lose this case!” “Relax,” said the client, “I sent it in the prosecutor’s name.”

A doctor got a phone call from...

A doctor got a phone call from one of his colleagues. “We need a fourth for poker,” the voice on the phone said. “I’ll be right over,” replied the doctor. As he was putting on his overcoat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?” “Oh yes, quite serious,” he said gravely. “They’ve had to call in three other doctors as well.”

Reasons for Devotion

A Christian, a Moslem, and a Jewish man, all very pious, met

at an interfaith congress and got to talking about the

experiences that had lead to their religious devotion.

The Christian recounted being on a plane when it ran into a

terrible storm over a remote wilderness area. "There was

lightening and thunder all around us. The pilot told us to

brace for the crash. I dropped to my knees and prayed to God

to save us. Then for a thousand feet all around us the wind

calmed and the rain stopped. We made it to the airport. And

since then my faith has never wavered."

The Moslem then told of a terrifying incident on his

pilgrimage to Mecca. "A tremendous sandstorm came up out of

nowhere, and within minutes my camel and I were almost

buried. Sure I was going to die, I prostrated myself toward

Mecca and prayed to Allah to deliver me. And suddenly, for a

thousand feet all around me, the swirling dust settled and I

was able to make my way safely across the desert. Since then

I have been the

most devout of believers."

Nodding respectfully, the Jewish man then told his story.

"One Sabbath I was walking back from the temple when I saw a

huge sack of money just lying there at the edge of the road.

It had clearly been abandoned, and I felt it was mine to take

home. But obviously this would have been a violation of the

Sabbath. So I dropped to my knees and prayed to Yahweh. And

suddenly, for a thousand feet all around me, it was Tuesday!"

Getting Rid of the Bats

Three pastors were having lunch in a diner.
One said, "You know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I’ve tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."Another said, "Me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."
The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church. Haven't seen one back since!"

Mixing Politics and Religion

The last time politics was mixed with religion, people were

burned at the stake.

Why was the supermodel happy t...

Why was the supermodel happy that she finished a jigsaw puzzle in only six months? Because on the box, it said "3-6 years."

Man walks into the Doctors off...

Man walks into the Doctors office.

"I have the results of your test and I'm afraid your going to die" Says the Doctor.

The Man asks "How long do I have to live"

"Ten" replies the Doctor.

"What the hell does that mean" the Man asks. "Ten Years, Ten Months, Ten weeks, What?"

The Doctor Replies "Nine"

Silly Collection 01

What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A dinosnore!

What is the fruitiest lesson?

History, because it's full of dates!

What language do they speak in Cuba?
Cubic!

Why did the stupid racing driver make ten pitstops during the race?
He was asking for directions!

How do you keep an imbecile happy all his life?
Tell him a joke
when he's a baby!

What illness did everyone on the Enterprise catch?
Chicken Spocks!

What is a myth?
A female moth!

Mo attends to a revival and li...

Mo attends to a revival and listens to the sermon. After a while, the pastor asks anyone with needs to come forward and be prayed over. Mo gets in line and, when it’s his turn the pastor asks, “Mo, what do you want me to pray about?” Mo says, “Pastor, I need you to pray for my hearing.” So the pastor puts one finger in Mo’s ear and the other hand on top of his head and prays for a while. He removes his hands and says, “Mo how’s your hearing now?” Mo says, “I don’t know pastor, it’s not until next Monday.

Family of the Groom

At an Easter mass, at which some young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two rabbis enter the church just before the mass began.
They were seated at the back of the sanctuary and insisted on sitting on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn't have time to inquire before the mass began.When it came time for some announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced that he was delighted to see two rabbis in their midst at the mass but was curious as to why they were present at this occasion where the young ladies were to become the "Brides of Christ."
The eldest of the rabbis slowly rose to his feet and explained, "Family of the Groom."

Irish revenge

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania.

Suddenly the train went through a tunnel, and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a loud slap.

When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking, 'The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'

Claudia Schiffer was thinking, 'The Englishman must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.'

And the Irishman was thinking, 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel, I'll make another kissing noise and slap that English bastard again!'

One day a camel and an elephan...

One day a camel and an elephant met.

The elephant asked the camel "Why do you have your breasts on your back?"

The camel clearly irritated by the outrage of modesty replied "What a stupid question from someone who has a dick on his face"

Was it a ghost?

There was this party in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. These two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.

All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Eeeeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face there!" (Was this a ghost?!?!?!)

This old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!"

So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, "What do you want???"

The old man softly replied, "Do you have any tobacco?"

The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants tobacco!"

"Well, offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies.

So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells, "Step on it!!!" rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think about that?"

The driver says, "I don't know. How could that be? I was going pretty fast."

Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells.

"Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.

He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?"

"Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks.

The passenger throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, "STEP ON IT!"

They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!

"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"

He rolls down the window and screams out, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?" in stark fear.

The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"