The best jokes (5941 to 5955)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 5941 to 5955. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Funny jokes-Union House
"Why, no, it isn't," the Madam replies.
"Well," the Union Man asks, "what percentage of the take goes to the girl?"
"We split the money, 20 percent to the girl and 80 percent to the house."
Feeling that wasn't a fair split the man left and went to another establishment. Again he asked the same questions and received a similar response. Although not a union house the split rate at this one was 30 percent to the girl and 70 percent to the house.
He continued his trek for some time until, finally, he came upon a Union House. "That's wonderful," he says to the Madam, "and what's the split?"
"We give 80 percent to the girl and keep just 20 percent for the house."
The Man is overjoyed. "Fantastic," he says, finally satisfied. Immediately he spots an attractive young blonde and indicates her to the Madam. "I'd like to have her please," he declares.
"Oh, I'm sure you would," the Madam replies, but she instead redirects him to an aging, overweight woman in the corner, "But I'm afraid Ethel here has seniority."
Business One-liners 06
A stagnant science is at a standstill.
A theory is better than its explanation.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
What you watching that for?
The missus was watching a cooking program the other day.
I said, "What you watching that for? You can't cook."
She said, ........"You watch porn!!."
Hat Tip: Thomas Ben
Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...
Parrot wih an attitude...
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.
Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.
For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."
John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,
"May I ask what the chicken did?"
Adult jokes-That kinda guy
The owner answered, "There ain't no women for miles, but if you want it real bad, we have a Chinese cook."
"Hey, I'm not that kinda guy!" said Derek, and went away.
A week went by, and Derek was back to the owner's cabin. He said, "Lets suppose I opted for the Chinese cook, how many people would have to know about it?"
The owner replied "Hmm... there's me, there's you, him, that's six in all, we need three to hold him down - he's not that kinda guy either!!"
A stiff one
Pfizer Corp. (NYSE PFE) is making the announcement today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola Bottling Group (NYSE PBG) as a power beverage, suitable for use as-is, or a mixer, under the name "Mount and Do."Pepsi's proposed ad campaign suggests:
"It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one."
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Curtis
Popping the question....
Jimmie, an 80-year-old gentleman, retired to Florida after his wife of 58 years had passed away. He was quite alone in the world and longed for companionship again.
One day, as he was walking through a public park, he spied what he considered to be a very pretty, silver-haired lady sitting alone on a park bench. Getting his nerve up, he approached the lady and asked graciously, "Pardon me, ma'am, but may I sit here with you?"
The silver-haired Marcie looked up to see a distinguished-looking, white-haired gentleman and replied, "Why certainly," and moved over gently to give him room to sit down.
For the next two hours, the two sat and talked about everything. They discovered that they came from the same part of the country, liked the same big band music, voted for the same presidential candidates, had had long, happy marriages, ha lost their spouses during the previous year, and in general agreed about almost everything.
Finally, the old gentleman cleared his throat and asked sheepishly, "Ma'am, may I ask you two questions?"
With great interest and anticipation, Marcie replied, "Why certainly!"
The old gentleman removed a handkerchief from his coat pocket and spread it out on the ground before her. He very gingerly got down on one knee and looked her softly in the eyes. "Marcie, I know we've only known each other for a couple of hours, but we have so much in common. I feel I have known you all my life. Will you marry me and be my wife?"
Marcie grabbed at Jimmie's hands and said, "Why, yes, I will marry you! You have made me so very happy!" She reached over and kissed him gently on the cheek. Then Marcie said, "You said you had two questions to ask me. What is the second question?"
Jimmie scratched his neck and said, "Will you help me get up?"
Knock Knock Collection 033
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cathy!
Cathyl who?
Cathy the the doorbell, it's too dark out here!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cecil!
Cecil who?
Cecil have music whereever she goes....!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cecile!
Cecile who?
Cecile this envelope!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Celery!
Celery who?
Celery me you lunch will you, I'm hungry!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Celeste!
Celeste who?
Celeste time I'm going to tell you this!
I Only Ordered A Double
I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double.
The bartender brought out a guy who looked just like me.
A sexy lady meet a handsome yo...
A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want."The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it."
Young lady said, "You can try it if you want."
Young man said, "OK come to my hotel room and prove it to me."
They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room.
Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine tuning. After a while nothing happen.
He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure. Again nothing happened.
The young man soon give up and ask the lady, "Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass nipples there are no response."
The sexy lady replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your power."
What Deep Thinkers Men Are
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question:
Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer.
An elderly man and woman meet ...
An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."
The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."
