The best jokes (6271 to 6285)

Hark, I hear the cannons roar

An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I've got you a job," says his agent. "That's great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it's a one-liner" "That's okay," replies the actor, "I've been out of work for so long I'll take anything. What's the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When's the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent.

Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you've got the job. Be here 9 o'clock Saturday evening."

The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar."

He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I'm "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you're "hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late. Get up to makeup right now!"

So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I'm "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you're hark I hear the cannons roar", you're late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you're about to go on."

He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I'm "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You're "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain's about to go up."

He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full.

Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?"

Growing Tomatoes

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.

The woman asked the gentlemen,"What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much."
Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.

One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"
No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

Hospital regulations require a...

Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student aide, Sam found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need Sam’s help to leave the hospital. After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let Sam wheel him to the elevator. On the way down Sam asked him if his wife was meeting him. I don’t know,” he said. “She is till upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.”

An American stood in London lo...

An American stood in London looking at a large building. A British boy walked by and stood beside the American.

"You know, boy," said the American, "in the States we have that kind of building too, but they are four times higher."

"Really?" replied the boy. "How sad. That is a mental hospital."

A Rich old man, who inherited ...

A Rich old man, who inherited all his money from his father, one day asks his young wife: "Honey, would you still have married me if my father didn't leave me with all this money?".
His wife smiles gently and answers: "Sure honey, you know I would marry you no matter who gave you the money".

Would you like me to be your friend?

Kathy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help.

One day, during recess, Kathy noticed a young girl standing by herself on one side of the playing field while the rest of the kids were playing a game of soccer.

A while later, Kathy walked over to the young girl and offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl looked at Kathy suspiciously, then said hesitantly, "Okay, I guess so..."

"Why are you standing here all alone?" asked Kathy.

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

Relationships

"Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay, and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp."

The Wedding Proposal

During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the priest with an unusual offer. “Look, I’ll give you $100 if you’ll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I’m to promise to ‘love, honor, and obey’ and ‘forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,’ I’d appreciate it if you’d just leave that part out.”
He slipped the priest the cash and walked away.
The wedding day arrived. When it came time for the groom’s vows, the priest looked the young man in the eye and said,” Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?”
The groom gulped and looked around and then said in a tiny voice, “I do.”
After the ceremony, the groom pulled the priest aside and hissed, “I thought we had a deal.”
The priest slipped the $100 back into the man’s hand and whispered, “The bride’s father made me a much better offer.”
This joke was reprinted from "The Book of Catholic Jokes" by Deacon Tom Sheridan, with permission of ACTA Publications. Copyright 2008. All rights reserved.

Q: What do yo...

Q: What do you get when you breed an elephant and a rhino?




A: Hellifino!

Wealthy Palestine

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?

A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

Mr Right Application

Dear ________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as Mr. Right.

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in

your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition.

Check those that apply..

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our dining experiences to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your constant e-mailing shows me you have TOO much time on your hands!

___Your legs are skinnier than mine.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___I find your inability to fix my car

extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___You still live with your parents.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long-term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league, set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,

________

A female TV reporter from RTE ...

A female TV reporter from RTE went to interview Seamus Feeney, a farmer from Galway, about Mad Cow disease.

Herself: Good evening Sir, we are here to collect information about the reasons behind Mad Cow Disease. Do you have any idea what might be the reason?

Seamus stared at the reporter and said, "Do you know that the bull rides that cow once a year?

The Lady (getting embarrassed): "Well sir, that's a new piece of information, but what's the relation between this phenomenon and Mad Cow Disease"?

Seamus: Well now Madam, do you know that we milk the cow four times a day?

The Lady: Sir, this is really valuable information, but what about getting to the point?

The Farmer: I'm getting to the point Madam. Just imagine, if I was playing with your tits four times a day and only riding you once a year, wouldn't you get mad yourself?

The telephone rings in the pri...

The telephone rings in the principal's office at a school.
"Hello, this is Dunn Elementary," answers the principal.
"Hi. Jimmy won't be able to come to school all next week,"
replies the voice.
"Well, what seems to be the problem with him?"
"We are all going on a family vacation," says the voice. "I hope
it is alright."
"I guess that would be fine," says the principal. "May I ask who
is calling?"
"Sure. This is my father!"

Working With God

A farmer purchases an old, run-down, abandoned farm with plans to turn it into a thriving enterprise. The fields are grown over with weeds, the farmhouse is falling apart, and the fences are collapsing all around.
During his first day of work, the town preacher stops by to bless the man's work, saying, "May you and God work together to make this the farm of your dreams!"
A few months later, the preacher stops by again to call on the farmer. Lo and behold, it's like a completely different place--the farm house is completely rebuilt and in excellent condition, there are plenty of cattle and other livestock happily munching on feed in well-fenced pens, and the fields are filled with crops planted in neat rows.
"Amazing!" the preacher says. "Look what God and you have accomplished together!"
"Yes, reverend," says the farmer, "but remember what the farm was like when God was working it alone!"

The children had all been phot...

The children had all been photographed, and the teacher was trying to persuade them each to buy a copy of the group picture. "Just think how nice it will be to look at it when you are all grown up and say, 'There's Jennifer; she's a lawyer,' or 'That's Michael, he's a doctor.'"

A small voice at the back of the room rang out, "And there's the teacher; ...she's dead."