The best jokes (751 to 765)

A lady went to the bar on a cr

A lady went to the bar on a cruise ship, and ordered a Scotch, with two drops of water. The bartender gave her the drink, and she said,"I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday, and it's today."
The bartender said, "Well, since it's your birthday, this one's on me."
As the lady finished her drink, a woman, to her right, said, "I'd liketo buy you a drink, too." The lady said, "Thank you, how sweet ofyou. OK, then, Bartender, I want another Scotch, with two drops ofwater."
"Coming up," said the bartender.
As she finished that drink, a man, to her left, said, "I'd like to buy you a drink too." The lady said, "Thank you very much, my dear. Bartender, I'll have another Scotch, with two drops of water."
"Coming right up," the bartender said.
As he gave her the drink, this time, he said, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman giggled, and replied, "Sonny, when you're my age,you've learned how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."

Can new shock absorb...

“Can new shock absorbers make a car easier to control? Of course - it goes without swaying!”

New Vice President

The chairman of the board of our company called me into his office to tell me the good news. I was being promoted to Vice President of Corporate Research and Planning.
Of course, I was excited, but that didn't stop me from asking for my new title to be changed to Vice President of Corporate Planning and Research.
'Why?' asked the chairman.
'Because,' I said, 'our organization uses abbreviated job titles, and I don't want be known as VP of CRAP.'

A film crew was on location de...

A film crew was on location deep in the desert. One day, an old Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm." The next day there was a sandstorm.
Several days later, the Indian went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain." The next day it rained for the entire day.
"This Indian is amazing," said the director. He told his secretary to hire the Indian to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old Indian failed to show up for a couple of weeks.
Finally, the director sent for him. "I have a big scene to shoot tomorrow," the director said, "and I'm counting on you. What will the weather be like?"
"Not know," replied the Indian, shrugging his shoulders. "Radio broken!"

Flying In The Plane

Sue and Bob, a pair of tight wads, lived in the mid west, and had been married years. Bob had always want to go flying. The desire deepen each time a barn stormer flew into town to offer rides. Bob would ask, and Sue would say, "No way, ten dollars is ten dollars."
The years went pay, and Bob figured he didn't have much longer, so he got Sue out to the show, explaining, it's free to watch, let's at least watch. And once he got there the feeling become real strong. Sue and Bob started an arguement.
The Pilot, between flights, overheard, listened to they problem, and said, "I'll tell you what, I'll take you up flying, and if you don't say a word the ride is on me, but if you back one sound, you pay ten dollars.
So off they flew. The Pilot doing as many rolls, and dives as he could--heading to the ground as fast as the plane could go, and pulling out of the dive at just the very last second. Not a word. Finally he admited defeat and went back the airport.
"I'm surprised, why didn't you say anything?"
"Well I almost said something when Sue fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

The Truth About Nutrition

Here is the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.
The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than do the British or Americans.
The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.
CONCLUSION
Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

A mother is cleaning her teena...

A mother is cleaning her teenage daughter's room when she finds a bondage magazine hidden under the bed. She shows it to her husband and asks him what he thinks they should do.
After flicking through the magazine her husband says, "To be honest I'm not sure, but I don't think spanking her is going to help."

Little Johnny wanted to go to

Little Johnny wanted to go to the zoo and pestered his parents for days. Finally his mother talked his reluctant father into taking him.
"So how was it?" his mother asked when they returned home.
"Great," Little Johnny replied.
"Did you and daddy have a good time?" asked his mother.
"Yeah, daddy really liked it too," exclaimed Little Johnny, "especially when one of the animals came home at 30 to 1!"

A fisherman from the city was

A fisherman from the city was out fishing on a lake in a small boat. He noticed another man in a small boat open his tackle box and take out a mirror. Being curious, the man rowed over and asked, "What is the mirror for?"
"That's my secret way to catch fish," said the other man. "Shine the mirror on the top of the water. The fish notice the spot of sun on the water above and they swim to the surface. Then I just reach down and net them and pull them into the boat."
"Wow! Does that really work?"
"You bet it does."
"Would you be interested in selling that mirror? I'll give you $30 for it."
"Well, okay."
After the money was transferred, the city fisherman asked, "By the way, how many fish have you caught this week?"
"You're the sixth," he said.

 Chemistry Is Boring

IT'S OFFICIAL : CHEMISTRY LECTURES ARE A YAWN.
October 9, 1995
A scientist has come up with proof of something students have known for years -- chemistry lectures are boring. In an article published in the current issue of Chemistry in Britain, a university chemistry lecturer introduced a guest lecturer to a class of 50 doctoral candidates.
Then, he and his colleagues studied variations in what he calls the HTFDR -- "head-to-floor distance reduction." After about an hour , the average HTFDR dropped from 135cm to 121cm, said the author of the study, who preferred to remain anonymous.
The HTFDR immediately bounced back to normal when the speaker uttered the magic words: "And in conclusion . . ."

Slowest Man on the Job

The foreman on a contracted job started bawling out one of the men, "I've had slow men on jobs before but you are the slowest I've ever seen. Is there anything you are quick with?"
"Well," yawned the workman, "nobody can get tired as quick as I can."

Good dentist

A guy and a girl meet at a bar. They get along so well that they decide togo to the girl's place.

A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.

He then takes of his trousers and washes his hands again.

The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."

The guy, surprised, says "Yes! How did you figure that out?"

"Easy," she replied, "you keep washing your hands."

One thing led to another and they make love.

After they have done, the girl says, "You must be a good dentist."

The guy, now with a boosted ego says, "Sure, I'm a good dentist, How didyou figure that out?"

"Didn't feel a thing!"

Are You Free Tonight?

A man is stunned when his hot, newly divorced neighbor knocks at his door. He answers eagerly and she asks him, "Are you free tonight?"
He blurts out, "Yes!"
She asks, "Great! Would you watch my kids?"

Guilty As You

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

Revised Salary

HR: "This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential."
Employee: "Don't worry, I'm equally ashamed of it."