The best jokes (766 to 780)

Operation Check, Please

Doctor: "Would you have the money if I said you needed an operation?"
Patient: "Would you say I needed an operation if you thought I didn't have the money?"

A milkman who is dying in the

A milkman who is dying in the hospital is surrounded his two sons, daughter and his wife and nurse.
Says to his eldest son: "To you, Peter, I leave the Beverly terrace."
"To you, my dear daughter, I leave the apartments in the High street Plaza."
"To you, Charlie, being my youngest son with a large future, I leave the City Centre offices."
"And you, my dear wife, the three residential buildings towers in down town."
The nurse, impressed, tells his wife: "Madam, your husband is very rich. He is bequeathing many properties! You all are so lucky!!"
And the wife retorts: "Rich? Lucky?? Are you kidding??!! Those are his routes where he delivers milk!"

A man was walking down the str

A man was walking down the streets of Washington DC one night. All of a sudden a mugger sticks a gun in his ribs and says. "Give me all your money!"
He replied, "Do you realize I am an important member of congress?"
The robber said, "In that case give me all my money!"

A few moments after the daught

A few moments after the daughter announced her engagement, her father asked, "Does this fellow have any money?"
The daughter shook her head sadly...
"Oh Daddy! You men are all alike," sighing deeply, she replied, "That's exactly what he asked me about you."

Working At the Office

"How long have you been working at that office?"
"Ever since they threatened to fire me."

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, “All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!”With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse’s back—and fell off the other side.From the ground again, he called out, “All right, just half of you angels this time!”

Shack It to Me...in Heaven

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.

Mr. Johnson had been waiting e

Mr. Johnson had been waiting entirely too long at the doctor's office. His appointment was for 9:00 and it was nearly 10:30. Finally, an attractive nurse appeared at the waiting room door and said, "Let's go get a room."
"Honey, I appreciate the offer," he said, "but I've been waiting so long I'd hate to lose my spot now!"

A man was on trial for murder

A man was on trial for murder and if convicted, would get the life imprisonment. His brother found out that an Irish man was on the jury and figured he would be the one to bribe. He told the Irish man that he would be paid £10,000 if he could convince the rest of the jury to reduce the charge to manslaughter.
The jury was out an entire week and returned with a verdict of manslaughter.
After the trial, the brother went to the Irish man's house, told him what a great job he had done and paid him the £10,000.
The Irish man replied, "It wasn't easy to convince the rest of the jury to change the charge to manslaughter. They all wanted to let him off."

The Worst Age

"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old.
"You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, then you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "80 is the worst age of all!"
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?" asked the 70-year-old.
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30.
So what's so tough about being 80?"

"I don't wake up until 7:00!"

A young man hired by a superma

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work. The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."
"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that," said the manager. "Here, give me the broom -- I'll show you how."

Understanding Noah's Boat

The more I get to know people...
The more I realize why Noah let only animals on the boat.

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

A drunk walks up to a barkeepe

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?"
The barkeeper says, "Depends on how good of a trick it is."
The drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a chipmunk and places him behind the piano. The chipmunk starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.
The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?"
The barkeeper says, "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."
The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the chipmunk."
Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em.
After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and frantically asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.
The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 million dollars for that act."
The drunks says, "Not for sale".
The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scatting rat."
The drunk say, "Deal."
The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.
The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a million dollar act that you just broke up for a wimpy 100 grands?"
The Drunk says, "Relax, the chipmunk is a ventriloquist."

A man and a woman had been mar...

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?"
The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."