The best jokes (781 to 795)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 781 to 795. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A man and a woman had been mar...
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?"The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead.
Finally, the husband gave in. "Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."
Grocery Shopping Danger
Last week at the grocery store, I saw a man slipping celery into other people's shopping carts...
I believe he was a stalker.
Things to Ponder
- Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you will have to touch it to be sure?
- "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I Do," is the longest sentence?
- When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
Throwing Mayo
Someone threw a bottle of mayonnaise at me yesterday...
I was like, "What the Hellmann?!?!"
Splitting the Offering
A rabbi, a minister, and a priest were having a discussion about how they split the offering money between the church and God. The rabbi said, "I take a piece of string, make a circle on my desk with it, and throw up the offering plate. Whatever goes inside the circle goes to God, and whatever falls outside the circle goes to the church." The minister said, "Well, that's not bad, but I have a better way. I halve my entire office with a piece of string, and stand next to it. I throw up the offering plate, and whatever goes on the right side of the string goes to God, and whatever goes on the left side goes to the church." The priest nodded, then said, "Well, that sounds pretty good, but we have a foolproof way of splitting the offering. I stand in the middle of my office, throw up the offering plate, and yell, "Keep what you want!""Googled My Symptoms
I’ve been feeling a bit moody & run down recently, so I googled my symptoms to see what I have.
Kids…
I have kids!
Bear Hunting
A hunter ventures into the forest to hunt a bear, armed with his trusty 22-gauge rifle. After some time, he spots an enormous bear, takes aim, and fires. The smoke clears, but the bear has vanished.
Moments later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, "Nobody shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two options: I can tear out your throat and eat you, or you can drop your pants, bend over, and I'll do as I please." The hunter, fearing death, drops his pants and bends over, allowing the bear to do as he said.
Once the bear has left, the hunter pulls up his pants and hobbles back into town, bow-legged and furious. He purchases a much larger gun and returns to the forest. He spots the same bear, takes aim, and fires. The smoke clears, and the bear is gone.
The bear taps the hunter on the shoulder once more and says, "You know the drill." Humiliated, the hunter pulls up his pants, drags himself back to town, and buys a bazooka. Now seething with rage, he returns to the forest, spots the bear, aims, and fires. The blast from the bazooka sends him sprawling onto his back.
As the smoke clears, the bear looms over him and says, "This isn't really about hunting for you, is it?"
International Workers' Day Jokes
May 1st is International Workers' Day! Find jokes about it
Why are construction workers great at parties?
They always raise the roof.
I had an uncle who worked at a whiskey factory.
He fell into a vat and drowned 6 hours later.
He would have drowned earlier but he got out 3 times to pee.
I start my new job at the guillotine factory today.
I’ll beheading there soon.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday
They said I wasn't putting in enough shifts
The Roman Emperor Who Never Aged
There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19...
His name was Constant-Teen.
Few more Dad jokes
Dad jokes are here.
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day.
Do the math.
I've opened a restaurant called "Peace And Quiet."
Kids meals only $150
What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless!
Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die?
They dilate.
What is the most popular time for a dentist appointment?
2:30
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle?
They got over it.
Why are elevator jokes so good?
They work on many levels!
Why did the computer get mad at the printer?
Because it didn't like its toner voice.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
It was very sweepy.
Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?
Because they often have to draw blood.
Why was the woman afraid for the calendar?
Its days were numbered.
What did the police officer say to his belly-button?
You're under a vest.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
To report a mugging.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
Half A Minute, Maybe
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed.
I told her it's unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
Bastille Day Joke
14 July is Bastille Day! Have fun with this very Bastille Day joke!
It's the time of the French Revolution and they’re doing their usual daily beheadings.
Today they’re leading a priest, a prostitute, and an engineer up to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next, the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out:
"Hey, I see what your problem is!"
Technical Assistance
I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.
He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.
