The best jokes (796 to 810)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 796 to 810. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Few more Dad jokes
Dad jokes are here.
Third Sunday of June is Father's Day.
Do the math.
I've opened a restaurant called "Peace And Quiet."
Kids meals only $150
What do you call a pencil with two erasers?
Pointless!
Why are pupils are the last part of your body to stop working when you die?
They dilate.
What is the most popular time for a dentist appointment?
2:30
What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
Did you hear about that person who was afraid of jumping a hurdle?
They got over it.
Why are elevator jokes so good?
They work on many levels!
Why did the computer get mad at the printer?
Because it didn't like its toner voice.
Why did the broom decide to go to bed?
It was very sweepy.
Why are nurses always running out of red crayons?
Because they often have to draw blood.
Why was the woman afraid for the calendar?
Its days were numbered.
What did the police officer say to his belly-button?
You're under a vest.
Why did the coffee go to the police?
To report a mugging.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
Half A Minute, Maybe
My new girlfriend told me I'm terrible in bed.
I told her it's unfair to make a judgement in less than a minute.
Bastille Day Joke
14 July is Bastille Day! Have fun with this very Bastille Day joke!
It's the time of the French Revolution and they’re doing their usual daily beheadings.
Today they’re leading a priest, a prostitute, and an engineer up to the guillotine.
They ask the priest if he wants to be face up or face down when he meets his fate.
The priest says that he would like to be face up so he will be looking toward heaven when he dies. They raise the blade of the guillotine and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from his neck. Being devoutly religious, they Take this as divine intervention and release the priest.
Next, the prostitute comes to the guillotine. She also decides to die face up hoping that she will be as fortunate as the priest. They raise the blade of the guillotine, and release it, it comes speeding down and suddenly stops just inches from her neck. So they release the prostitute as well.
The engineer is next. He too decides to die facing up. They raise the blade of the guillotine and suddenly the engineer cries out:
"Hey, I see what your problem is!"
Technical Assistance
I hate it when I can't figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.
He's 5 and it's past his bedtime.
Hump Day Humor: Fresh Jokes to Get You Over the Week
Sometimes I wake up grumpy…
But other times I let her sleep in!
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
I have 6 legs, 4 arms and a 3 heads. What am i?
A liar.
Bruce Lee had a vegan brother.
Broco Lee.
I have been teaching my dog to fetch tools from my workshop…
He's not perfect, but he knows the drill!
When I turned 18, I went down to the courthouse to petition to change my name.
The clerk asked me why. "Just look at my application," I said. "If you were named Oskar Von Wootengootenbootenshoot, wouldn't you want something different?"
The clerk said, "I suppose you've got a point."
I said, "Yeah, I don't like Oskar, either."
Such an unusual name, "Latrine." How did your family come by it?
We changed it in the 9th century.
You mean you changed it TO 'Latrine?'
Yeah. Used to be 'Shithouse.'
Midweek Mirth: A Collection of Short Jokes to Propel You to Friday
Did you hear about the terrible sinking of the cargo ship which was carrying shoes? Thousands of soles were lost to the sea that day. I've found something my wife's bum doesn't look big in... The distance!
My wife says the salad I make tends to be a bit on the "dry" side. It's definitely something that needs addressing.
I went on a date with a girl who said she loved animals.
I said, "I work with animals every day."
She said, "That's so sweet. What do you do?"
I replied, "I'm a butcher!"
Scientists got bored after watching the Earth turn after 24 hours…
So they called it a day!
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes.
Whats the best gift to give someone? A broken Drum. Nobody can beat it.
Tough Problem
Teacher: If you multiplied 50 by 8 and then divided by 4, what would you get?
Student: The wrong answer.
I've Got One of Them
A rookie was calling up his station on his pocket radio.
“I’m outside the Plaza Mall,” he reported. “A man has been robbed. I’ve got one of them.”
“Which one?” asked the operator.
“The one that was robbed.”
Margin of Error
Here’s some advice... At a job interview, tell them you’re willing to give 110 percent!
Unless the job is a statistician!
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous...
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “Where is God?!" The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked "What happened?"
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time!" "GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!"
Scottish Wedding
Glasgow boys Archie and Jock were sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding. ‘Aye, it’s all going like magic,’ said Jock. ‘I've got everything organized already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night.’
Archie nodded approvingly.
‘Hell, I've even bought a kilt to be married in!’ continued Jock.
‘A kilt?’ exclaimed Archie. ‘That’s grand, you'll look pure smart in that! And what’s the tartan?”
‘Ach,’ said Jock, ‘I imagine she’ll be in white
Are You Wiping Off My Kiss?
A grandma lovingly gives her granddaughter a kiss on the cheek upon seeing her at a family get-together. Afterwards, she noticed the little girl wiping her cheek.
“Are you wiping off my kiss?” she asked.
“No”, she smartly replied, somewhat embarrassed but quick on her feet, “I’m just rubbing it in!”
