The best jokes (7561 to 7575)

Horse Auction

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Johnny asked, "Dad, why are you doing that?"
His father replied, "Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy."
Johnny, looking worried, said, "Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom..."

Blind Date

" How was your blind date ? "
" Terrible ! He showed up in a 1935 Rolls Royce. "
" What's so terrible about that ? "
" He was the original owner ! "

A mathematician, an accountant...

A mathematician, an accountant and an economist apply for the same job.

The interviewer calls in the mathematician and asks "What do two plus two equal?" The mathematician replies "Four." The interviewer asks "Four, exactly?" The mathematician looks at the interviewer incredulously and says "Yes, four, exactly."

Then the interviewer calls in the accountant and asks the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The accountant says "On average, four - give or take ten percent, but on average, four."

Then the interviewer calls in the economist and poses the same question "What do two plus two equal?" The economist gets up, locks the door, closes the shade, sits down next to the interviewer and says; "What do you want it to equal?"

Hot sauna in the highe...

Hot sauna in the highest, in excess celsius day-o!

The Pope and the President...

During his visit to the United States, the Pope met with President Clinton. Instead of just an hour as scheduled, the meeting went on for two days. Finally, a weary President Clinton emerged to face the waiting news media.

The President was smiling and announced the summit was a resounding success. He said he and the Pope agreed on 80% of the matters they discussed. Then Mr. Clinton declared he was going home to the White House to be with his family.

A few minutes later the Pope came out to make his statement. He looked tired, and discouraged, and was practically in tears. Sadly he announced his meeting with the President was a failure.

Incredulous, one reporter asked, "But your Holiness, President Clinton just announced the summit was a great success and the two of you agreed on 80% of the items discussed."

Exasperated, the Pope answered, "Yes, but we were talking about the Ten Commandments."

Redneck quickies 36

You might be a redneck if...

You see a sign that says "bridge out" and you try to jump it.

You go to your local pet shop for a cat scan.

Warp drive describes the condition of your car.

Your smoke detector doubles as your dinner bell.

You go to the dentist for a "Tooth Cleaning".

You pull up to a gas station in a limo to buy a can of Skoal.

Your boyfriend gives you car parts for your birthday and you like it.

Coons get into everyone else's trash but yours.

When you say, "Let's hit the hay," you actually MEAN it.

You can feed a family of five on ONE McDonald's Extra Value Meal.

Your kids LIKE the Arch Deluxe hamburger at McDonalds.

You have a clawfoot bathtub.

You've ever been arrested for bootleggin'.

You spell out NASCAR in Christmas lights.

Your idea of good fishing involves the use of a boat, a net and dynamite.

Burger King won't let you do it your way, right away.

You can remember the entire NASCAR series schedule but can't remember your wife’s birthday, kids birthday, or anniversary.

You can remember every NASCAR driver and their car number but can't remember how old your children are.

Your idea of going to see a play involves goal posts.

You think a computer hacker carries an axe.

Fun To Do In Elevators

Fun Things to Do in an Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
   
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
   
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, all of you just shut UP!"
   
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
   
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
   
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
   
7. Shave.
   
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
   
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
   
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
    
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
    
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
    
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
    
14. One word: Flatulence!
    
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
    
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
    
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
    
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
    
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
    
20. Meow occassionally.
    
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
    
22. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
    
23. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
    
24. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
    
25. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
    
26. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
    
27. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
    
28. Leave a box between the doors.
    
29. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
    
30. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
    
31. Start a sing-along.
    
32. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
    
33. Play the harmonica.
    
34. Shadow box.
    
35. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
    
36. Lean against the button panel.
    
37. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
    
38. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
    
39. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
    
40. Bring a chair along.
    
41. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
    
42. Blow spit bubbles.
    
43. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
    
44. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
    
45. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
    
46. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
    
47. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
    
48. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
    
49. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"
    

Animal jokes-Trained the human

No worry

A wife is having sex with her husband's best friend one day. Soon the phone rings, so she answers it.

"Yes... uh, huh... OK... yes... bye."

Her husband's best friend says: "Who was it?"

"That was my husband," she replied.

The man jumped out of bed, and tried to put on his clothes in a hurry.

"Relax," said the wife. "He just called to tell me he was out playing golf with you"

In the words of Julius Caesar,...

In the words of Julius Caesar, "Veni, Vidi, Vici, Chuck Norris". Translation: I came, I saw, and I was roundhouse-kicked in the face.

Double Parked Frog

Q: What do you call an illegally parked frog?

A: Toad.

“My wife wanted me to...

“My wife wanted me to take her to visit Northern Canada but I was having Nunavut!”

A married couple went to the h...

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father of the baby. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine, so he asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and pulse and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this, they decided to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well. Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, he encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

A funeral service is being hel...

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.
They open the casket to find that the woman is actually alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies. A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking the husband cries out,

"WATCH OUT FOR THE WALL"

Kids in Church

Six-year-old Angie and her four-year-old brother Joel were sitting together in church. Joel giggled, sang, and talked out loud. Finally, his big sister had enough of his antics.
"You're not supposed to talk out loud in church."
"Why? Who's going to stop me?" Joel asked.
Angie pointed to the back of the church and said, "See those two men standing by the door? They're hushers."