The best jokes (1021 to 1035)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 1021 to 1035. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
7 Short Jokes for Your Weekend Chuckle Fest
After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains. A park employee came running, yelling "STOP! You can't do that here!"
I said "Why not?"
He said "You have to cremate him first!"
What has 2 buts and kills people?
An assassin
Why did the vegan cross the road?
Ti tell someone they're a vegan!
I helped my neighbour this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you."
I couldn't believe it. You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return!
I made a pencil with an eraser on each end.
It was pointless.
I was out drinking with my mates at a party last night, when I suddenly looked at my phone and noticed 18 missed calls from my wife.
Is she insecure or what?
That's an average of 6 calls a day!
What do you call it when you get a rash from nickel?
Metallurgy
Image credit Pointless pencils
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased...
A woman is sitting at her recently deceased husband’s funeral. A man leans in to her and asks, “Do you mind if I say a word?“No, go right ahead”, the woman replies.
The man stands, clears his throat, says “Plethora”, and sits back down.
“Thanks”, the woman says, “that means a lot”.
Translated joke... Hope I'm able to do it justice!
Translated joke... Hope I'm able to do it justice!A not-so-bright man is talking to his friend, and the friend asks him, "How many pancakes can you eat on an empty stomach?". The man thinks, and says "4". The friend says, "you can only eat one!". Confused, the man asks his friend to explain, and the friend says, "Once you eat the first one, your stomach isn't empty any more!". The man chuckles at his friend's wit.
Later that day, at home, the man calls his wife and says "How many pancakes can you eat on an empty stomach?" The wife says "3". The man says, "Damn. If you'd said 4, I would have said something really funny!"
Shrek was cursed by an evil witch...
The curse forced him to be unable to speak without singing. Unsure of what to do, Shrek visited Juan the Wizard in the neighboring swamp. Juan told Shrek he'd need to make a potion from toadstools, eye of newt, and the bones of the freshly deceased.
Shrek said he could handle the toadstools and eye of newt but he refused to kill an innocent person to solve his problem.
Juan understood and said that for a modest fee he would break into the nearby morgue and steal one for him. Shrek agreed.
The following day Juan the Wizard delivered as promised. After he left, Shrek began to prepare the potion in a large cauldron. Just as he was about to add the cadaver, Donkey burst through the door.
Mortified, he screamed, "Shrek! What the hell is that?"
Shrek turned and sang, "Some body Juan stole me."
4 Friends reunite 30 years after school
One friend goes to the restroom while the other three start discussing the success of their sons.Friend 1 says his son studied economics, became a banker, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a Ferrari.
Friend 2 says his son became a pilot, started his own airline, and is so wealthy he gave his best friend a jet.
Friend 3 says his son became an engineer, founded his own development company, and is so wealthy he built his best friend a castle.
Friend 4 returns from the restroom and asks what they're talking about.
They tell him they are discussing the success of their sons and ask about his son.
He says his son is gay and works as a stripper at a gay bar.
The other three express their disappointment, assuming he must be unhappy with his son's lack of success.
"Oh no!" the father replies, "He's doing quite well. Last week, for his birthday, he received a Ferrari, a jet, and a castle from three of his boyfriends..."
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands...
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.” “What?” said the puzzled groom.“How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?” “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?” “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”
A man walks into a bar and orders a 21-year-old whiskey
He takes a sip and then spits it out."I asked for a 21-year-old, this is 18 years! I'm not paying! Give me a 12-year-old cognac."
The bartender serves him, and the man spits it out again.
"This is only 10 years! I'm not paying!"
The bartender starts getting frustrated. After more and more drinks with the same reaction, the bartender serves another one and says:
"This one's on the house."
The man takes a sip and immediately spits it out.
"This tastes like piss!"
"Now tell me, how old am I?"
A man goes to confess and admits to committing all 7 deadly sins in a single day
He confesses, "I was trying to save up for my dream house, but someone bought it before I could. I got so furious and jealous that I disguised myself as a utility worker and went to his place while he was at work. I ended up seducing his wife, and while she was in the shower, I took all the cash and jewelry I could find. Then I raided the pantry, ate everything in sight, and took naps on and off until just before he came home."The priest asks, "And what about Pride? You seem to have left that one out."
The man replies, "Oh no, I'm very, very proud of myself!"
An Englishman, a Scots man, and an Irish man are sentenced to 100...
An Englishman, a Scots man, and an Irish man are sentenced to 100 lashes. The judge was in a benevolent mood though and offered them each a request that maybe would make it easier on them.
The Scottish man asked for a pillow to be strapped to his back, but it had worn away after 50 lashes and he suffered for the remaining 50.
The Englishman being smart asked for 2 pillows, and he didn't feel any of the lashes on his back.
Before the Irishman was asked, the judge said "I love Ireland, it has given us the greatest music, poets, writers and art - because of this you get 2 requests"
The Irishman thought and said "firstly I'd like 200 lashes, and second of all strap the Englishman to my back"
Husband tries childbirth simulator
A woman is in labor, and the doctor comes in and says, "we have this cool new device that lets the father participate by feeling the pain of childbirth! What do you think?" The wife is all for it, so the husband says, "sure- I'll try it."
He puts it on, turns it to 20% power, and waits. Nothing. "Cool," he says. "Turn it to 50% and let's see what I've got."
They turn it up to 50%, and after a minute, he's still pretty comfortable. "I don't know what the big deal is- this is a walk in the park!" He says. "I've got this. Turn it up to 11."
They turn it up to 110%, and he's still doing fine! He can't believe it, but he's pretty impressed with himself for being so tough.
Wife has the baby, and when they get home, the mail man is dead on the front porch.
Why is 9 afraid of 3?
A joke my son told me: Why is 9 afraid of 3?Because he was squared of him.
New Year jokes-Optimist and Pessimist
An optimist stays up to see the New Year in. A pessimist waits to make sure the old one leaves. - Bill Vaughan
Taxi Driver In Heaven
A priest and a taxi driver both died and went to heaven. St. Peter was at the Pearly gates waiting for them.
'Come with me', said St. Peter to the taxi driver.
The taxi driver did as he was told and followed St. Peter to a mansion. It had anything you could imagine from a bowling alley to an olympic size pool.
'Wow, thank you', said the taxi driver.
Next, St. Peter led the priest to a rugged old shack with a bunk bed and a little old television set.
'Wait, I think you are a little mixed up', said the priest. 'Shouldn't I be the one who gets the mansion? After all I was a priest, went to church every day, and preached God's word.'
'Yes, that's true. But during your sermons people slept. When the taxi driver drove, everyone prayed.'
