The best jokes (1036 to 1050)

The Husband Store – Still True

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.
'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework. 'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor , where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer
The third, fourth, fifth & sixth floors have never been visited.

Beware of dog

Upon entering the little country store, the stranger noticed a sign saying "DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG!" posted on the glass door. Inside he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor besides the cash register.

He asked the store manager, "Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?"

"Yep, that's him," he replied.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner replied, "before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him."

Fact of Life: After Monday & Tuesday

Fact of Life: After Monday & Tuesday Even the Calendar says W T F

Miracle mile

A priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest. The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again!"

Baseball bat

After spending 3-1/2 hours enduring the long lines, surly clerks and insane regulations at the department of motor vehicles, a lady stopped at a toy store to pick up a gift for her son. She brought her selection - a baseball bat to the cash register.

"Cash or charge," the clerk asked.

"Cash," she snapped. Then apologizing for her rudeness, she explained, "I've spent the afternoon at the motor-vehicle bureau. I am not too sane right now!!"

"Shall I gift wrap the bat?" the clerk asked sweetly, "Or or you going back?"

 You Might Be A Redneck If 40

You might be a redneck if...
You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
You go to your family reunion looking for a date.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are, "Gentlemen, start your engines."
You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.
The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on how much gas it has in it.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Hair pulling

A six year old comes crying to his Mother because his little sister pulled his hair.

"Don't be angry," the Mother says, "Your little sister doesn't realize that pulling hair hurts."

A short while later, there's more crying, and the Mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says...

"Now she knows."

A teenager takes a seat on a b...

A teenager takes a seat on a bench next to a middle aged man reading a newspaper. After a few minutes the man looks over and stares intentively on the youth's multicolored mohawk.
The teenager looks over at the man and says "What's the matter old man, never done anything interesting in your life?"
The man responded with "I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot, I was just wondering if you were my son."

The Card Game

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave's wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"

Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."

She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn't, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"

Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, 'Oh hell, he knows!' Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says.

"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he'd stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It's so good to have a friend you can trust."

Blondes it's not about gender

There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time. The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, 'If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, 'if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!'
The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, 'if I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, 'If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.'
Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else.''
Finally, the blond man's wife said, 'I don't know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!''

It was George the Mailman's l

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.
When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "But what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, 'Screw him. Give him a dollar.' The breakfast was my idea."

How old are the dinosaur bones...

Some tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

A rich man was trying to find...

A rich man was trying to find his daughter a birthday gift when he saw a poor man with a beautiful white horse. He told the man that he would give him $500 for the horse.
The poor man replied, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good," and walked away.
The next day the rich man came back and offered the poor man $1000 for the horse.
The poor man said, "I don't know mister, it don't look so good."
On the third day the rich man offered the poor man $2000 for the horse, and said he wouldn't take no for an answer. The poor man agreed, and the rich man took the horse home.
The rich man's daughter loved her present. She climbed onto the horse, then galloped right into a tree.
The rich man rushed back over to the poor man's house, demanding an explanation for the horse's blindness.
The poor man replied, "I told you. It don't look so good."

16 Reasons Why Some Men Have Dogs and Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited your dog is to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave lots of things on the floor.
4. Dogs' parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go, instantly, 24 hours a day.
7. Dogs find you amusing when you're pissed.
8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
9. Dogs won't wake you up at night to ask: "If I died, would you get another dog?"
10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and sell 'em.
11. When you drop a silent one, dogs don't run around frantically with room spray
13. Dogs never tell you to stop scratching your balls. Instead, they sit wondering why you don't lick 'them.
14. Dogs will let you put a studded collar on them, without calling you a pervert.
15. If a dog smells another dog on you, it won't kick you in the crotch; it just finds it interesting.
16. If a dog runs off and leaves you, it won't take half your stuff.
To verify these statements: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open the door, and observe who's happy to see you!

Nuns Discussing Drinks

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
"You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"
Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
"How do *you* know, Sister?"
"My Mother Superior told me so"
"But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"
"Don't be ridiculous - of course I have never taken alcohol myself"
"Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"
"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"
"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, them no-one will know"
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.
"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "... and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"
"Oh no! It's not that drunken Nun again is it?"