The best jokes (1156 to 1170)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 1156 to 1170. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
I Guess It Works
A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained,
"I've been a little sick to my stomach."
The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"
As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you come to your diagnosis so quickly?"
"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick."
"Hmmm," the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house."
Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did.
"I'm feeling terribly run down lately."
"You've probably been doing too much extra work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps."
As they left, the elder doc said, Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?
"Well, just like you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
Match
A redneck farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store. "Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "Tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a Match."
'Match? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles to borrow your pants every time I want a fire."
It was dinner time on a Britis...
It was dinner time on a British Airways flight from London to New York. As the flight attendant moved down the plane, she asked one of the passengers: - “Would you like dinner?”
- “What are my choices?” asked the passenger.
- “Yes or No,” replied the attendant.
When I die
'When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.'
Bob Monkhouse (1928-2003)
Picture: Rex Features
Two old women were sitting on
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buseswere running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned tothe other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my buttfell asleep!'.The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
A couple, desperate to conceiv...
A couple, desperate to conceive a child, went to their priest and asked him to pray for them. "I'm going on a sabbatical to Rome," he replied, "and while I'm there, I'll light a candle for you." When the priest returned three years later, he went to the couple's house and found the wife pregnant, busily attending to two sets of twins. Elated, the priest asked her where her husband was so that he could congratulate him.
"He's gone to Rome, to blow that candle out" came the harried reply.
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
ROMANCE MATHEMATICS Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY STATISTICS
Married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
Did you ever notice?
Did you ever notice? When you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together it spells "THEIRS"? The only thing wrong with a pe...
The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work. 
The workers in a large office...
The workers in a large office were making secret plans to stage a big office party for the 70-year old cleaning woman who had spent the better part of her life with the company.Somehow the secret leaked out and the woman got wind of it. Much perturbed, she rushed to the office manager. "Please sir," she cried, "Do not let them do it! Do not let them do it!"
"Oh, come now, Mrs. Smith, you must not be so modest. After all, they simply want to show how much you are appreciated."
"Appreciated, my foot," exclaimed the woman. "I am NOT going to clean up after a mess like that!"
