The best jokes (1171 to 1185)

One day, a man at a restaurant...

One day, a man at a restaurant suddenly called out, "Help! My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Please, anyone! Help!"
A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He casually walked over, wrapped his arms around the boy's abdomen and squeezed.
Out popped the quarter.
The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened.
"Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?"
"No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

Musical Chairs

Q: What did one chair say to another chair?

A: "Here comes another a**hole."

Absolutely nothin'

Mr. Rabbit was walking down the road when he spotted a crow at the tip top of a very tall tree. He shouted, "Good Morning, Mr. Crow." Mr. Crow shouted back down, "Good Morning Mr. Rabbit."

Mr. Rabbit shouted up, "Whatcha doin' today?" and the answer shouted back down was, "Absolutely nothin' Mr. Rabbit - Absolutely nothin' and loving it."

Well, that sounded pretty good to Mr. Rabbit, so he shouted back up, "Do you think I could do that too?" Mr. Crow shouted back down, "I don’t see why not!" So, Mr. Rabbit lay down on the side of the road and began Doing Absolutely Nothing.

In 30 minutes a fox came along and ate him.

The moral of the story is: You can get away with Doing Absolutely Nothing, but only if you are really high up.

A little boy wanted $100.0

A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened
Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00
When The postal authorities received the letter addressed to : God , USA , ... they decided to send it to the President.
The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill.
The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down and wrote a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God , Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC.Do you know those bureaucrats deducted $95.00 in taxes!

Friendship between wom...

Friendship between women: A woman doesn’t come home one night. The next day she tells her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house.
The husband calls his wife's 10 best friends. None of them know anything about it.
Friendship between men: A man doesn’t come home one night. The next day he tells his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The wife calls her husband's 10 best men friends. Eight of them confirm that he had slept over, and two claim that he was still there.

Paying attention to those talking to you

Putting your phone away and paying attention to those talking to you. There is an app for that- It's called respect.

Family quarrel...

A young couple drove several miles down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the husband sarcastically asked, "Are they relatives of yours?"

"Yes," his wife replied. "I married into the family."

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thethick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."    

The professor of a contract la

The professor of a contract law class asked one of his better students, "If you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?"
The student replied, "Here's an orange."
The professor was outraged. "No! No! Think like a lawyer!"
The student then replied, "Okay. I'd tell him `I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'"

Quickie

A man goes into a restaurant where all the waitresses are gorgeous.

A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt comes to his table and asks, "What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu, scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, and then answers, "A quickie." The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again, "What would you like, sir?" Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "A quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding SMACK! and storms away. A man sitting at the next table then leans over and whispers, "Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche.'"

10 years ago we had Johnny Cas...

10 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope, and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope, and no jobs.

Making money

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about their fathers. The first boy says, "My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50."

The second boy says, "That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100."

Little Johnny says, "I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!"

A woman was in a gambling casi...

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time.
At the roulette table she says, "I have no idea what number to play."
A young, good-looking man nearby suggests she play her age.
Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 25.
The wheel is spun, and 30 comes up.
The smile drifted from the woman's face and she fainted.

What do you have when 100 lawy...

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
- Not enough sand.

Actual Employee Evaluations...

The following were taken from actual employee evaluations:

* Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and shows signs of starting to dig.

* His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity.

* I would not allow this man to breed.

* This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be.

* Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

* When he opens his mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

* He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

* This man has delusions of adequacy.

* He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them.

* This employee should go far -- the sooner he starts, the better.

* This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

* Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't looking.

* Got a full six-pack, but is missing the plastic thingy that holds it together.

* A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

* A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

* Bright as Alaska in December.

* Donated his brain to science before he was quite finished using it.

* Fell out of his family tree.

* The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.

* This man has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

* If brains were taxed, he would get a rebate.

* Any dumber and he would have to be watered twice a week.

* If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you would get change back.

* If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

* It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

* Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, he gargled.

* Was left on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long as a baby.