The best jokes (1261 to 1275)

Ambulance or Police?

One night a husband and wife were sleeping and suddenly the wife woke up.
"Honey, wake up! I think there’s a burglar downstairs, and it sounds like they're eating the cake I made!” said the wife.
Half asleep, the husband answers, "So should I call the police or the ambulance?”

A sign in a restaurant window reads...

A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars."

A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying.

The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration.

On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!"

The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread."

Tickle Your Tuesday: 11 Hilarious Jokes to Brighten Your Day

I really enjoy hearing all of the national anthems played at the Olympics.
I love country music.

In this hot weather, I find the best way to keep cool is to strip off and stand in front of an open refrigerator…
Now I'm banned from Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons!

Me: No.
Son: Hmm. I feel like maybe you're not committed to that no.
I'm gonna ask 684 more times to be sure.

My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!”
So I asked her if we could watch something other than our wedding video?

What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common
No ballroom.

A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift…
I thought it was very sweet!

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

Took a girl to a French restaurant, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts.
But her personality was nice.

I just watched a documentary on marijuana...
I think all documentaries should be watched this way

I don’t often roll a joint,
but when I do it’s my ankle.

Midgets don't shop at Aldi…
They're Lidl people!

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean...

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.

The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."

A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted" and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark.

Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.

Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realize that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.

While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.

He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.

With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. (Editor's note: The punch line does not involve a prawn cocktail - it's much worse).

Looking around the gathering at the reef he realized he couldn't see his old pal.

"Where's Christian?" he asked.

"He's at home, still distraught that his best friend changed sides to the enemy & became a shark", came the reply.

Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted,"It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."

Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."

Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed."

"I've found Cod. I'm a Prawn again, Christian!"

What To Buy

My girlfriend is impossible to buy for so I asked her best friend what I should get her for her birthday.
Best Friend: “Does she like you?”
Me: “Oh yes, I am positive she likes me!!!”
Best friend: “If she likes you, she’ll like anything.”

A man walks into a open Hollywood audition…

A man walks into a open Hollywood audition.

He gets inside and begins to fill out his audition form, rehearse his monologue, and stand in line.

After a while he gets into the audition room and hands the casting director his audition form. He takes his spot on stage and is about to launch into his monologue when he hears rowdy laughing coming from the casting director.

He asks, "What's going on?"

Through tears of laughter, the casting director asks him "Is this your real name, Penis Car Lesbian??"

The man responds "yes I know it is a silly name, but please try to ignore that. My parents were drunk when they named me and just chose three silly words."

The casting director manages to stop laughing and tells the man "I'm sorry but you have to change your name if you want to make it big in Hollywood.

The man gets upset and storms out of the audition.

The casting director shrugs and calls out the next person.

10 years later the director recives a 100,000 dollar check along with a letter.

Puzzled over who would send him such a thing, he opens up the letter and reads it:

"Dear sir,
While you may not remember me I came to an audition 10 years ago.
There you told me that I would never make it big if I didn't change my name from Penis Car Lesbian.
After I left, I realized you were right and I did change my name.
However I was too ashamed to return back to you so I found other auditions.
But your advice really helped and I got a lot of big acting roles. As you were the first one to truly help me, I decided to send you a little check.
Sincerely,
Dick Van Dyke"

What Part of the Body

What part of the human body is called the "yet"?
I don't know either, but in the paper it said this lady got shot and they haven't got the bullet out of her yet.

Sally's Report Card

Eight-year-old Sally brought her report card home from school. Her marks were good…mostly A’s and a couple of B’s.
However, her teacher had written across the bottom: "Sally is a smart little girl, but she has one fault. She talks too much in school. I have an idea I am going to try, which I think may break her of the habit."
Sally’s dad signed her report card, putting a note on the back: "Please let me know if your idea works on Sally because I would like to try it out on her mother."

A priest and a rabbi operated ...

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. So they did. They drove it home and parked it in the street between their establishments.

A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he ran out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing it" the priest replied.

The rabbi replied "Oh," then he ran back into the synagogue. He reappeared a few minutes later with a hack saw, ran to the car and cut off the last 2 inches of the tailpipe.

The children were lined up in...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.

Please stand up

One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"

After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.

"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.

The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."

21st Century Newspaper

I was visiting my daughter last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
'This is the 21st century,' she said. 'We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, use my iPad.'.
I can tell you this... That fly never knew what hit him!

A man took his wife to the rod...

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,
"This bull mated 50 times last year." The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year. " The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year." The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's rib, said, "That's once a day.You could REALLY learn something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

Slept with

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."
"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."