The best jokes (1246 to 1260)

Potential Employee’s Application

A Manager of a retail clothing store is reviewing a potential employee’s application and notices that the man has never worked in retail before. He says to the man, “For a man with no experience, you are certainly asking for a high wage.”

“Well Sir,” the applicant replies, “the work is so much harder when you don’t know what you’re doing!"

Brother John entered the "Mona

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you wish, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now. You may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "
You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Seeing her friend Sally wearin

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
"Yes," says Sally, "a lock of my husband's hair."
"But Larry's still alive."
"I know, but his hair is gone."

The Same Mistake

I never make the same mistake twice.
I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

They Talk More

Research shows that men, on average, speak about 10,000 words per day, and women speak about 40,000.
What the research doesn’t tell you is that it’s not that women are actually saying four times as much, they just have to repeat everything that many times because men don’t listen.

Gender

You may not know that many nonliving things have a gender.

For example... 

1) Ziploc Bags-
They are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers-
They are Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) Tire-
Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) Hot Air Balloon-
Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges-
Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) Web Page-
Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) Subway-
Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) Hourglass-
Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) Hammer-
Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) Remote Control-
Female...... Ha! You thought it'd be male. But consider this-it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

George's Relationship with God

George, who was 70-years-old, went for his annual physical. All of his test results came back normal. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are real tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done.""Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF it goes off when he's done?"Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"-

Letters from Little Girls to God

Dear God,Thank you for the baby brother, but I prayed for a puppy.Joyce Dear God,My father told me about being born, but that doesn't sound right. He was kidding, right? MarshaDear God,Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?NormaDear God,Did you really mean, "Do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!DarlaDear God,We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.Sincerely,DonnaDear God,I bet it is very hard for you to love all of the people in the whole world. There are only four people in our whole family and I can never do it.NanDear God,If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.Love,DeniseDear God,In Bible times did they really talk that fancy?JenniferDear God,What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.JaneDear God,It rained for our whole vacation and my father was mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you won't hurt him anyway.Your friend (I'm not going to tell You my name.)-

A Lumberjack Keeps Track

A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees.
"How do you know exactly how many" I replied.
“Easy, I keep a log..."

Scream Day Jokes

April 24th is #ScreamDay, created to bring awareness to the benefits of screaming. #Scream some #jokes!

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…
The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”

What's long, thick, black, and can make you scream?
A tornado

I like to lick women until they scream
Usually only takes one lick.

My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off
I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.

What do you call a guy in a nascar screaming slurs?
Speed Racist.

#ScreamDay #ScreamDay2023

Tom Hanks Memoir

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...
"T. Hanks - For the Memories"

Monday is better when it starts with new Jokes

If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...
"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".

I asked a pretty, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

When you go to church in the morning you say, "Amen."

Cunninghams Law - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong".
But what is of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
It's a light sentence.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?
For hispanic attacks.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens…
They are calling it Apollo G!

It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter…
It was raining cats and dogs!

Another 14 Dad jokes, be ready for Father's Day

Get your Dad jokes ready on time! Third Sunday of June is Father's Day, have fun with these!

1. Scientists say that one day, it may be possible to live on Mars.
I tried it for a month, gained nearly 3 stone in weight and developed type 2 diabetes!

2. I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
I could really see myself doing it.

3. What did the kid Pirate say to the Mom Pirate?
Arrrn’t you glad you met Dad?

4. How do astronomers organise a party?
They planet!

5. I made a soup entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…
It was a broth of fresh air!

6. When does a regular joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.

7. It wasn’t much fun when I broke my neck last year.
But now I can look back and laugh.

8. Anyone remember that chiropractor joke I shared?
It was about a weak back.

9. I recently visited the "World's Tiniest Wind Turbine" exhibit.
Honestly, not a big fan.

10. I can’t bring my dog to the pond anymore. The ducks keep attacking him.
Guess that’s what I get for getting a pure bread dog.

11. I only seem to get sick on weekdays.
I must have a weekend immune system.

12. What did the triangle say to the circle?
You’re pointless.

13. Hey, Dad, did you get a haircut?
Nope, I got them all cut

14. Where do pigs like to relax?
In hammocks

11 new jokes for National Tell A Joke Day

On August 16th, celebrate National (US) Tell A Joke Day by doing just that — telling a joke. Find some great jokes here:

What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?
One of them is an elephant

What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction!

How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake

There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days

Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk."

Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG.

I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it.

I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that!

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!"

My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him!

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"

30 Bacon jokes to celebrate International Bacon Day

The first Saturday in September is International Bacon Day and a day to enjoy all things bacon, including bacon jokes!

What is a pig’s favorite song?
"Don’t Go Bacon My Heart."

What’s a bacon lover’s favorite musical?
"Grease."

What’s a bacon lover’s favorite horror movie?
"Frankenswine."

What do you call a dinosaur wrapped in bacon?
Jurrasic Pork.

Why did the pig run naked across the football field?
He was streaky bacon.

Why did the bacon strip laugh?
Because the fried egg cracked a yolk!

What kind of ice cream do pigs like best?
Hoggin Daz.

Who was the smartest bacon lover that ever lived?
Albert Ein-swine.

What’s a bacon enthusiast’s favorite play?
"Hamlet."

What’s the most successful pick-up line in history?
"I’ve got bacon."

What do you call a fir tree covered in bacon?
A porky-pine!

Why was the cruise ship passenger thrown overboard?
He was hogging the bacon at the buffet.

What’s the best way to eat turkey bacon?
Gobble it up!

How do you know if the bacon you bought is real?
The package is marked ‘gen-u-swine.’

What pig is used to make spicy bacon?
Peppa Pig.

What color is the best cooked bacon?
Ma-hog-any.

What do you get when you cross a pig and a centipede?
Bacon and legs.

How do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the skillet?
Take away its tiny broom.

How many vegans does it take to eat a strip of crispy, delicious bacon?
Just one, if no one’s looking!

What would happen if pigs could fly?
The price of bacon would skyrocket!

Why did the pig go on Ancestry.com?
He wanted to read about history in the bacon.

With what crime was the bacon thief charged?
Hamburglary.

Why was the meat packer fired?
He was bringing home the bacon.

What should you use to write secret messages about bacon?
Invisible oink.

Why did the bacon delivery driver get a traffic ticket?
He was being a road hog.

What’s the name of the best pawn shop for selling bacon?
Ham Hocks.

What’s the best vehicle for delivering bacon?
A pigup truck.

What do you call a pig who gets the test answer wrong?
Mistaken bacon.

Why did the pig go into the kitchen?
He felt like bacon.

What did the pig say at the beach?
"It’s so hot, I’m bacon!"