The best jokes (1246 to 1260)

Brother John entered the "Mona

Brother John entered the "Monastery of Silence" and the Abbott said, "Brother, this is a silent monastery. You are welcome here as long as you wish, but you may not speak until I direct you to do so."
Brother John lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Abbott said to him: "Brother John, you have been here 5 years now. You may speak two words."
Brother John said, "Hard Bed."
"I'm sorry to hear that," the Abbott said. "We will get you a better bed."
After another 5 years, Brother John was called by the Abbott. "
You may say another two words, Brother John."
"Cold Food," said Brother John, and the Abbott assured him that the food would be better in the future.
On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Abbott again called Brother John into his office. "Two words you may say today."
"I Quit," said Brother John.
"It is probably best," said the Abbott. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

Seeing her friend Sally wearin

Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.
"Yes," says Sally, "a lock of my husband's hair."
"But Larry's still alive."
"I know, but his hair is gone."

The Same Mistake

I never make the same mistake twice.
I do it like, five or six times, you know, to make sure.

They Talk More

Research shows that men, on average, speak about 10,000 words per day, and women speak about 40,000.
What the research doesn’t tell you is that it’s not that women are actually saying four times as much, they just have to repeat everything that many times because men don’t listen.

George's Relationship with God

George, who was 70-years-old, went for his annual physical. All of his test results came back normal. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with God?" George replied, "God and me are real tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, POOF the light goes on when I pee, and then POOF the light goes off when I'm done.""Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day, Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great, but I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and, POOF the light goes on in the bathroom, and then POOF it goes off when he's done?"Thelma exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"-

Letters from Little Girls to God

Dear God,Thank you for the baby brother, but I prayed for a puppy.Joyce Dear God,My father told me about being born, but that doesn't sound right. He was kidding, right? MarshaDear God,Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?NormaDear God,Did you really mean, "Do unto others as they do unto you?" Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!DarlaDear God,We read Thomas Edison made light. But in Sunday School they said you did it. So I bet he stole your idea.Sincerely,DonnaDear God,I bet it is very hard for you to love all of the people in the whole world. There are only four people in our whole family and I can never do it.NanDear God,If we come back as something else, please don't let me be Jennifer Horton because I hate her.Love,DeniseDear God,In Bible times did they really talk that fancy?JenniferDear God,What does it mean you are a jealous God? I thought you had everything.JaneDear God,It rained for our whole vacation and my father was mad! He said some things about you that people are not supposed to say, but I hope you won't hurt him anyway.Your friend (I'm not going to tell You my name.)-

A Lumberjack Keeps Track

A lumberjack once told me he's cut down 27,572 trees.
"How do you know exactly how many" I replied.
“Easy, I keep a log..."

Scream Day Jokes

April 24th is #ScreamDay, created to bring awareness to the benefits of screaming. #Scream some #jokes!

My wife screamed, "you haven't listened to a single word I've said, have you?!"
I was taken aback... what a weird way to start a conversation.

A pregnant woman screams COULDN’T WOULDN’T SHOULDN’T CAN’T…
The Dr said “nothing to worry about, those are contractions”

What's long, thick, black, and can make you scream?
A tornado

I like to lick women until they scream
Usually only takes one lick.

My wife woke me up around Dawn, screaming her head off
I should mention Dawn was our babysitter.

What do you call a guy in a nascar screaming slurs?
Speed Racist.

#ScreamDay #ScreamDay2023

Tom Hanks Memoir

When Tom Hanks writes his memoir it should be called...
"T. Hanks - For the Memories"

Monday is better when it starts with new Jokes

If "tomb" is pronounced "toom", "womb" is pronounced "woom" then shouldn't...
"bomb" be pronounced "BOOM".

I asked a pretty, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes.
The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

When you go to church in the morning you say, "Amen."

Cunninghams Law - "Anything that can go wrong, will go wrong".
But what is of Cole’s Law?
It’s thinly slice cabbage and mayo.

Where do bad rainbows go?
Prism.
It's a light sentence.

Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold

Why did the Mexican take anti-anxiety medication?
For hispanic attacks.

NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to all the aliens…
They are calling it Apollo G!

It was a bleak day when we heard about the explosion down at the animal shelter…
It was raining cats and dogs!

11 new jokes for National Tell A Joke Day

On August 16th, celebrate National (US) Tell A Joke Day by doing just that — telling a joke. Find some great jokes here:

What's the difference between an Indian and an African Elephant?
One of them is an elephant

What's the difference between Iron man and Iron woman?
One is a superhero the other an instruction!

How hard is it to seduce large women?
Piece of cake

There's a new religion that worships zero
Nothing is sacred these days

Did you hear about the two guys who broke into an oversized kitchen supply store?
One of them said to the other "Be careful, we're taking a really big whisk."

Am going to see that new film about the pig without an eye.
It's rated PG.

I ordered a book on puns.
I didn't get it.

I've just come back from the doctor and I've been diagnosed with tinnitus...
I don't like the sound of that!

I went to the doctors with hearing problems.
He said, "Can you describe the symptoms?"
I said, "Homer's a fat bloke and Marge has big blue hair!"

My dog ran off in the park last night.
I walked around for 30 minutes but could not find him.
The missus said I should look harder...
So I shaved my head and got a tattoo.
I still can't find him!

A Glaswegian lad takes his girlfriend home for the first time and introduces her to his parents.
"This is Amanda."
His dad jumps up and says, "It's a f*c*ng what?"

Lady trying to catch a ride

A woman comes home early, and finds her husband in bed with a girl.

She is furious, threatens to kill them both... the husband says:

- Believe me, darling, this is just a misunderstanding. I was driving home, and saw this young lady trying to catch a ride. So I decided to give her a lift. I ask her where she needs to go, and she tells me she wants to visit some relatives, but isn't sure about their address. So, I took her home so she could check our phonebook.

- Once there, I saw her dress is pretty ragged, so I decided to give her your old dress. Nearly two years that it's been hanging in the closet, and you never wore it.

- Then, I saw her shoes are also about to fall apart, so I gave her your old shoes, which have been doing nothing but collecting dust for three years. Of course, she said thanks, and then asked:

"Excuse me sir, but is there anything else in this house your wife never uses?"

Ambulance or Police?

One night a husband and wife were sleeping and suddenly the wife woke up.
"Honey, wake up! I think there’s a burglar downstairs, and it sounds like they're eating the cake I made!” said the wife.
Half asleep, the husband answers, "So should I call the police or the ambulance?”

A sign in a restaurant window reads...

A sign in a restaurant window reads, "If you order it and we don't have it, you instantly win a million dollars."

A man walking by notices the sign and walks into the restaurant, sitting down with a smirk. The waiter asks for his order, and the man requests "white rhinoceros stew." Surprisingly, the waiter returns with a steaming bowl of exactly that. The man, taken aback, eats the expensive meal and leaves angrily after paying.

The next day, he returns with the same smirk and orders "bullet ants stuffed with dolphin meat." The waiter promptly brings him his requested dish. Once again, the man, surprised, eats his meal, pays, and leaves in frustration.

On the third day, he sits down and asks for "a lactating mermaid breast sandwich." After a few minutes, the waiter returns with two large duffle bags containing one million dollars. Ecstatic, the man exclaims, "I knew it! You don't have mermaid breast!"

The waiter politely responds, "We actually do, sir. We just ran out of bread."

Tickle Your Tuesday: 11 Hilarious Jokes to Brighten Your Day

I really enjoy hearing all of the national anthems played at the Olympics.
I love country music.

In this hot weather, I find the best way to keep cool is to strip off and stand in front of an open refrigerator…
Now I'm banned from Asda, Sainsbury's and Morrisons!

Me: No.
Son: Hmm. I feel like maybe you're not committed to that no.
I'm gonna ask 684 more times to be sure.

My wife had a few glasses of wine and was yelling at the TV: “Don’t go in there! Don’t go in the church! He’s in there, you moron!”
So I asked her if we could watch something other than our wedding video?

What do a small pair of underpants and a small dancefloor have in common
No ballroom.

A friend just gave me a bag of sugar as a gift…
I thought it was very sweet!

Before I die I am going to eat a whole bag of unpopped popcorn.
That should make the cremation a little more interesting.

Took a girl to a French restaurant, she had frog's legs and chicken breasts.
But her personality was nice.

I just watched a documentary on marijuana...
I think all documentaries should be watched this way

I don’t often roll a joint,
but when I do it’s my ankle.

Midgets don't shop at Aldi…
They're Lidl people!