The best jokes (13021 to 13035)

Move the car

My husband, Cal, grew increasingly displeased as our teenage daughter and her boyfriend studied in her room late one evening. Finally losing patience shortly after midnight, he knocked sharply on her door. Her boyfriend immediately opened it and asked if something was wrong.

“I have to ask you to move your car,” Cal told him.

“Oh, sure. Is it in someone's way?”

“No,” Cal replied, “it's at the wrong address.”

Way To True

Eino and Toivo, two upper Michigan handymen were hired to paint a flag pole and were going to be paid by the inch. As they were standing at the base of the flagpole looking up, trying as they may to figure how much to charge, a young woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We are supposed to find the height of this flag pole" said Toivo, "But we don't have a ladder. The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.
Eino shook his head and laughed, "Ain't that just like a woman! We asked for the height and she gives us the length!!"
Eino and Toivo are currently working for the government......

Kyle Kinane: Thrift Stores

Ive almost bought my own clothes back from a thrift store. Have you done that one yet? You know, like, Oh, this shirts great, it reminds me of something I used to -- oh, damn it.

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while ...

Things to do @ Wal-Mart while the significant other is taking his/her sweet time:


Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G. I. Joe's vs. the X-Men.

Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

Switch the men's and women's signs on the doors of the restroom.

Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.

Hide in the clothing racks and when people browse through, say things like "pick me! pick me!!"

If the store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.

“But doctor,” lamented the you...

“But doctor,” lamented the young husband in counseling, “whenever Sue and I quarrel, she becomes historical.”

“You mean, hysterical,” said the doctor.

“No, historical. She is always digging up my past.”

Hilarious jokes-Razorback hogs

Selling coffee is a mu...

Selling coffee is a mugs game.

Adult jokes-Still premature!

During a simulated attack, the...

During a simulated attack, the troops have to defend themselves against an imaginary enemy, as the sergeant calls it. Bawling out orders, he notices that one recruit shows little response. “You there,” the sergeant shouts, “the imaginary enemy is advancing, and your are caught in the crossfire. Action!” The recruit takes two steps to one side.
“What are you doing, man?” Yells the sergeant, purple with fury. “I’m taking shelter behind an imaginary tree, Sergeant,” answers the recruit calmly.

Two eggs, a sausage, and a pan...

Two eggs, a sausage, and a pancake walk into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve breakfast."

Write With Other Hand

At a high school an English teacher is busy with work as a student approaches the teacher and asks when the test final test will be. She tells the whole class and a smart-ass jock raises his hand.

"What if that day I just stayed home because I was sexually exahausted?''

''Well, I guess you'd just have to use your other hand to write with.''

Infrequently

An elderly couple who are both widowed have been courting for a long time.

They decide it's finally time to get married. Before the wedding, they go out to dinner and talk about how their marriage might work.

They discuss finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the man broaches the subject of their physical relationship.

"How do you feel about sex?" he asks, rather tentatively.

"I would like it infrequently," replies the old lady.

The old gentleman sits quietly for a moment, adjusts his glasses, leans over towards her and whispers: "Is that one word or two?"

Close Enough For Government

Three young boys were fighting over whose dad was the best:

"My dad is so good he can shoot an arrow, run after it, get in front of it, and catch it in his bare hands."

"My dad is so good that he can shoot a gun, run after the bullet, get in front of it and catch it in his bare hands."

"I've got you both beat. My dad's so good because he works for the city. He gets off work at 5:00 and is home by 4:30."

Hand Me Downs

Q: What do you say to a man with five penises?

A: Your jeans fit like a glove.

Homework help...

Dad, will you help me with my homework?"

"I'm sorry," replied the father. "It wouldn't be right."

"Well, " said the boy, "at least you could try."