The best jokes (13051 to 13065)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13051 to 13065. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Your dog bite?
There was a hound dog laying in the yard and an old geezer in overalls was sitting on the porch.
"Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?" the tourist asked.
The old man looked up over his newspaper and replied, "Nope."
As soon as the tourist stepped out of his car, the dog began snarling and growling, and then attacked both his arms and legs. As the tourist flailed around in the dust, he yelled, "I thought you said your dog didn't bite!"
The old man muttered, "Ain't my dog."
An old woman was rocking away ...
An old woman was rocking away the last of her days on her front porch and reflecting on her long life, when, all of a sudden, a fairy godmother appeared and informed her that she would be granted 3 wishes!"Well, now," said the old lady, "I've always wanted to be rich!" *POOF* Her rocking chair turned to solid gold.
"And, gee, I guess I wouldn't mind being a young, beautiful princess." *POOF* She turned into a beautiful young woman.
"And your third wish?" asked the fairy godmother. Just then the old woman's cat wandered across the porch.
"Ooooh! Can you turn him into a handsome prince?" She asked. *POOF* There stood a young man, more handsome then anyone could possibly imagine. She stared at him, smitten. With a smile that made her knees weak, he sauntered across the porch and leaned over close to her.
Then he whispered in her ear, "Bet you're sorry you had me neutered, aren't you?"
After her conviction of murder...
After her conviction of murder in the second degree, the District Attorney, during her sentencing hearing said, “Mrs. Grey – after you put the arsenic in the stew and served it to your husband, didn’t you feel even a little remorse for what you were doing?†“I did,†she said calmly. “And when was that?†quipped the D.A. “When he asked for seconds!†she replied.My Mother Taught Me About...
1. My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION…
“Just wait until your father gets home.”
2. My Mother taught me about RECEIVING….
“You are going to get it when we get home!”
3. My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE…
“What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you! Don't talk back to me!”
4. My Mother taught me LOGIC…
“If you fall out off that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me.”
5. My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE…
“If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
6. My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD…
“If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job.”
7. My Mother taught me HUMOUR…
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me.”
8. My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT…
“If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up.”
9. My Mother taught me about GENETICS…
“You're just like your father.”
10. My Mother taught me about my ROOTS…
“Do you think you were born in a barn?”
11. My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE…
“When you get to be my age, you will understand.”
And last but not least…
12. My Mother taught me about JUSTICE…
“One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you….Then you'll see what it's like!”
Bees Pay You A Visit
The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.
Patterson, New Jersey:
When 60-year-old Al Asbaty returned to his car after shopping, he was startled to find that thousands of bees were building a hive inside his Oldsmobile.
Due to the sunny and warm weather, he had left the windows rolled down, allowing a queen bee to fly in, followed by about 20,000 of her most faithful servants.
Just as one of Asbaty's relatives was about to spray the inside of the car with a can of insecticide, police bee expert Tom Fuscalo arrived and managed to coax the insects into an artificial hive.
Park Bench
Two elderly gentlemen were sitting on a park bench on North Avenue. After a while, one said, "By the way, George, how's your wife?"A woman walks into her Gynecol...
A woman walks into her Gynecologist and the doctor says "Miss why do you have "F" on your stomach"?The woman replies: "I went to bed last night with Fred and refused to take off his belt".
A couple of weeks later, she goes to her Gynecologist again and the doctor says: "Miss why do you have "C" imprinted on your stomach"?
The woman replies: "I went to bed with Chris last night and he refused to take his belt off".
A couple of months pass, the woman goes to her Gynecologist again, and this time the woman has "F and C" imprinted on her stomach.
The doctor says: "Miss now I know you didn't go to bed with Fred and Chris last night".
And the woman replies: "No, I went to bed last night with the Fire Chief and he refused to take off his helmet".
Long winded...
A man was giving a speech at his lodge meeting. He got a bit carried away and talked for two hours. Finally, he realized what he had done and said, "I'm sorry I talked so long. I left my watch at home."
A voice from the back of the room replied, "There's a calendar behind you..."
The Stuttering Cat
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. 'Human beings are the only animals that stutter', she says.A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered', she volunteered.
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'
'That must've been scary', said the teacher.
'It sure was', said the little girl. 'My kitty raised his back, went 'Fffff, Fffff, Fffff'...And before he could say 'F*ck', the Rottweiler ate him!'
The teacher wet her pants laughing.......
Switched cocks
While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating.""I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile."
"How did it happen?"
"I switched cocks."
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.
How are men like parking space...
How are men like parking spaces? The good ones are always taken. The free ones are either handicapped or extremely small.A Mental Hospital
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the hospital director reviewed the rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. Haroldson, your records and your heroic behavior indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. Haroldson replied. "I hung him up to dry."
