The best jokes (13411 to 13425)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13411 to 13425. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
The 10 best jokes of the Edinburgh Festival Fringe 2023 so far
Had my wedding recently.
I married a midwife, so she’s upgraded to a full wife.
~Ed Patrick
I hear the inventor of bubblewrap shoes has just popped his clogs.
~Olaf Falafel
People ask me about my anti-ageing secrets.
I use a phenomenal eye cream called Not Having Kids.
~Liz Guterbock
I drink decaf coffee.
I like my coffee how I like my men - missing everything I need.
~Sasha Ellen
How is everyone?
I just signed an NDA, so can't complain.
~Darren Walsh
Love is very powerful because it can make you look at a shirt and say,
'I wore that on our first date'
and completely forget you also wore it at a rectal exam
~Ian Smith
Family is important, because they’re the only people who know what you’ve been through,
and that’s because they caused half of it.
~Philipp Kostelecky
Men love fixing things.
Except themselves.
~Ollie Horn
I love buying alcohol from the self-service checkout.
I'm in a bad place, and I need to hear a voice say 'Someone is coming to help you'.
~Alexander Bennett
Minimum wage workers SHOULD be allowed to do as little as possible.
I got a pizza from Deliveroo, it turned up an hour late, wrong pizza, squashed in the box somehow and I said ‘good!’
That’s how it should be.
5 stars.
Big tip!
~Bilal Zafar
Photo credit Alan Powdrill – www.alanpowdrill.com
Seeing Voices
I accidentally put eye drops in my ear...
Now I can literally see what you’re saying!
A Clean Getaway
Little Johnny's mother is making lunch when Johnny comes in from playing outside, covered in dirt.
"Johnny, you need to clean up for dinner," his mother says, looking at his left hand. "I've never seen a hand so filthy."
"Then you haven't seen this one," Johnny replies, holding up his right hand.
One god
What's the difference between a nurse and a nun?A nun only serves one god.
Submitted by calamjo
Edited by yisman
You Might Be A Redneck If 28
You might be a redneck if...
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You think a turtleneck is a key ingredient in soup.
You've ever stood in line to get your picture taken with a freak of nature.
Your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Your local ambulance has a trailer hitch.
You watch cartoons long after your kids get bored.
You think the French Riviera is a foreign car.
You think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.
You're still scalping tickets after the concert is over.
What has two humps at the Nort...
What has two humps at the North Pole?Dog gone!
Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said.
"I'll be ready in a few minutes," she said. "Why don't you play with my dog Rollo while you are waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands and sits up, and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through."
The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through and over the rail of the balcony. Just then, Paul's date walked out.
"Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?" she gushed.
Paul panicked. "To tell the truth," he said, "he seemed a little depressed to me."
Moshe Kasher: The Doors Were a S**t Band
Dont you think that Jim Morrison was probably the worst person you could ever meet at a party, ever? Just some plunging-necklined, leather-panted jackass, like, Let me tell you about my experiences on mescaline in the desert. Scurry back to Burning Man with your statutory rape tales, no one cares.The Hollywood Hotel
The Top 10 Floor Plans for the Planet Hollywood Movie Hotel
- "Scream" suite which becomes vacant quickly.
- Hotel pool never gets used due to menacing music and one lone fin circling at all times.
- Marv Albert has reservations for "The Crying Game" floor.
- More suicide jump precautions on the Pauly Shore floor than anywhere else.
- No one takes a shower on the "Psycho" floor
- Pee-Wee Herman as a tour guide...YIKES
- No buttons on the elevator to the Star Wars floor...just use the Force.
- Room service involves Shannon Tweed and George Clooney.
- Wake up call on Stallone floor is "Yo, Adrian!"
- "Showgirls" floor booked until 2010..by Congress.
An Audience With the Pope
A man who is an avid golfer finally gets a once-in-a-lifetime chance for an audience with the Pope. After standing in line for hours, he gets to the Pope and says, "Holiness, I have a question that only you can answer. You see, I love golf, and I feel a real need to know if there is a golf course in heaven. Can you tell me if there is?"
The Pope considers for a moment, and says, "I do not know the answer to your question, my son, but I will talk to God and get back to you."The next day the man is called for another audience with the Pope to receive the answer to his question. He stands before the Pope, who says, "My son, I have some good news and some bad news in relation to your question. The good news is that heaven has the most fabulous golf course that you could imagine and is in eternally perfect shape."
"And what's the bad news?" asks the man.
"You tee-off tomorrow morning," the Pope replies.
Real Church Signs
Do not wait for the hearse to take you to church.
If you're headed in the wrong direction, God allows U-turns.
If you don't like the way you were born, try being born again.
Looking at the way some people live, they ought to obtain eternal fire insurance soon.
Please stand up....
One day a college professor of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said, "Would everyone who thinks he or she is stupid please stand up?"
After a minute or so of silence, a young man stood up.
"Well, good morning. So, you actually think you're a moron?" the professor asked.
The kid replied, "No sir, I just didn't want to see you standing there all by yourself."
One who runs in front of the c...
One who runs in front of the car gets tired. One who runs behind gets exhausted.Free meat....
It was many years ago since the embarrassing day when a young woman, with a baby in her arms, entered his butcher shop and confronted the butcher with the news that the baby was his and asked what was he going to do about it?
Finally he offered to provide her with free meat until the boy was 16. She agreed.
He had been counting the years off on his calender, and one day the teenager who had been collecting the meat each week, came into the shop and said, "I'll be 16 tomorrow."
"I know," said the butcher with a smile, "I've been counting too, tell your mother, when you take this parcel of meat home, that it is the last free meat she'll get, and watch the expression on her face."
When the boy arrived home he told his mother. The woman nodded and said, "Son, go back to the butcher and tell him I have also had free bread, free milk, and free groceries for the last 16 years and watch the expression on HIS face!"
