The best jokes (13591 to 13605)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13591 to 13605. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Bad memory
The doctor wants to take a little test - so he asks the first old man, "Can you tell me what is four times four?"
The first man replies, "756".
The doctor can't believe this. So he moves on to the second old man asks him, "Your turn. What is four times four?"
The second man replies, "Friday".
The doctor shakes his head in disbelief and then asks the third man, "Do you think you have the answer?"
The third old man replies, "Sixteen".
"Wonderful!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"
"Easy," the third old man replies, "Just add 756 to Friday."
Encounter with a Vampire
Nervous expectant fathers
A nurse comes of the delivery room and says to Robert, the first expectant dad, "Congratulations, you've twins!"
Robert says excitedly. "Oh! What a coincidence, I work at the Petronas Twin Towers".
Another nurse comes out of the room and tells the second expectant father, Mike, "Congratulations, your wife gave birth to triplets!"
Another nurse comes out of the room and tells the third expectant father, Jason, "Congratulations! Your wife has got quadruplets!"
Jason exclaims, "Oh my God! This has to be some coincidence. I work at Four Seasons Hotel!"
Meanwhile, Kumar, the fourth expectant father seems to be worried and breaks into a sweat.
The other 3 fathers ask him, "What's the matter? Why are you so worried?"
Kumar replies, "Well.... I work at Seven-Eleven!"
Astrologer Booty Call... Planet
My third planet is misaligned. Can you adjust it for me?
Questions to ponder....
If Con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons?
If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
Why are hemorrhoids called 'hemorrhoids' instead of 'asteroids'?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Since light travels faster than sound, is that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
Can you imagine a world with no hypothetical situations?
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
One diamond short of a ring.
One dimension short of reality.
One drool bib short of neat and tidy.
One drop short of an empty bladder.
One flower short of an arrangement.
One flying buttress short of a cathedral.
One Froot Loop shy of a full bowl.
One fruit short of a basket.
One gene short of a full chromosome.
One goose short of a gaggle.
One handle short of a suitcase.
One hot pepper short of an enchilada.
One inspection short of passing.
One live brain cell away from being a talking monkey.
One miracle wouldn't be enough to help him.
Debate About The Box
An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are trying to set up a fenced-in area for some sheep, but they have a limited amount of building material. The engineer gets up first and makes a square fence with the material, reasoning that it's a pretty good working solution. "No no," says the physicist, "there's a better way." He takes the fence and makes a circular pen, showing how it encompasses the maximum possible space with the given material.
Then the mathematician speaks up: "No, no, there's an even better way." To the others' amusement he proceeds to construct a little tiny fence around himself, then declares:
"I define myself to be on the outside."
Your mommas so poor
Your Mommmas so poor that when some kid stole her skate board she said "Hey who took the family car?"Trouble hearing....
A little old man starts having trouble hearing and goes to the doctor.....says. "Doc, I'm having problems hearing!"
Doctor says "Lets check this out." Looks into the man's ear with his flash light and says, "There's a foreign object in here." Takes his tweezers and pulls it out.......Doc says to the old man, "It's a suppository!!"
The old man takes a look, asks the Doc, "Can I use your phone?? Need to tell the wife that I know where I put that hearing aid!!"
A.J. Jamal: Los Angeles Homeless
Homeless people here are different. You ever notice that? Our homeless people are serious, man. They have signs that not only say, 'Will work for food,' some of them have what they want: 'Baked potato, salad, shrimp, sweet potato pie, sour chives.'
Pretending to be a Lawyer
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a barand asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So, the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out.
After she said no,
he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had
a case early in the morning. She said, "Oh! You're a
lawyer?"
He said, "Why yes I am!"
She liked the idea and they went to his place. When they
were in bed making love, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've
only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing
someone!"
