The best jokes (13681 to 13695)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13681 to 13695. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
“When the window fell...
“When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.”
Business One-liners 48
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrnog.
There is no job so simple that it cannot be done wrrong.
There is no limit to how bad things can get.
There is no limit to the amount of good that people can accomplish, if they don't care who gets the credit.
There is no problem a good miracle can't solve.
There is no problem so large that it cannot be solved by the application of a correctly chosen thermonuclear device.
There is no safety in numbers, or in anything else.
There is no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
There is no such thing as a "dirty capitalist", only a capitalist.
There is no such thing as instant experience.
There is no time like the present for postponing what you ought to be doing.
Dead in His Cornflakes
Q: Did you hear about the guy they found dead with his head in his cornflakes?
A: The police thought it was a cereal killer.
Where are the monkeys?
The young lady strolled thru the National Zoo and finally paused in front of the monkey island. Mystified as to the whereabouts of the animals, she queried the keeper, "Where are all of the monkeys ?"
"They're all back in the cave Miss." he responded, "It's right in the midst of the mating season."
"I see." she replied, "Do you think they'd come out if I offered them some of these peanuts ?"
Smiling the keeper responding, "Well, I can't rightly say as I know Miss. Would *YOU*?"
Differences in expressions
Really funny jokes-Speeding cars
The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:
Slow down Old People's Home. It had no effect.
At the next meeting, it was decided to work on the paternal instincts and put up a sign:
Danger - Children at Play.
No discernible reduction in traffic speed.
Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with:
Cloth-less Colony.
As a result of the notice, white vans and lorries crawl throughout the village now.
I believe...
A Scottish atheist was spending a quiet day fishing in the lake when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat at least a hundred feet into the air. It then opened its mouth waiting below to swallow them both.
As the Scotsman sailed head over heels and started to fall towards the open jaws of the ferocious beast, he cried out, "Oh, my God! Help me!"
Suddenly, the scene froze in place and as the atheist hung in midair, a booming voice came out of the clouds and said, "I thought you didn't believe in Me!"
"God, come on, give me a break!" the man pleaded, "Just seconds ago I didn't believe in the Loch Ness monster either!"
Insult - Sister
May a weird customs inspector discover a secret compartmentin your sister.
-- Johnny Carson
50 Years of Marriage
An old couple is having breakfast when the old woman says to her husband, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years.?"
"Yes," he replies. "Fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together. And we were probably naked as jaybirds."
"Well," the old woman snickers, "should we get naked again for old time's sake?"
So they strip off their clothing and sit back down at the table. "You know," the old woman says breathlessly, "my nipples are as hot for you today as they were 50 years ago."
"I'm not surprised," replies the old man. "One's in your coffee and the other's in your oatmeal!"
