The best jokes (13696 to 13710)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 13696 to 13710. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
“When the plant could...
“When the plant couldn't absorb water properly he sought a xylem.”
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Life isn't too short. It's the longest thing anyone will ever do."
three men
there were three men on a cliff and what ever they wished for it would come true. so the first guy jumps off the cliff and wishes he was a bird so he could fly home. The second guy wished he was a dolphin so he could swim home then the last guy tripped over a rock, fell off the cliff and said OH CRAP!!!!!Steve Marmel: America Is Not a Bully
Im tired of hearing about how Americas a bully. America is not a bully. Bullies beat you up and take your money, and that is not what America does. America gives you money -- and then we beat you up. Were the mob. We just kinda wait for the check to clear, then we show up going, Hey, you got a real nice f**king country here. Be a shame if something happened to it.A football team was short of a...
A football team was short of a goalkeeper, so the captain asked a cow grazing in the next field to join the team. The cow agreed. Later, the local cricket team needed a wicket keeper, so the same cow was asked to do the job. The cow replied: "Who ever heard of a cow playing cricket?"Knock Knock Collection 126
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Max!
Max who?
Max no difference. Open the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maxine!
Maxine who?
Maxine the wave dude!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maxwell!
Maxwell who?
Maxwell call later if your not going to answer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
May!
May who?
Maybe its a friend at the door!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Maya!
Maya who?
Maya best friend?
Top 10 things that sound dirty...
Top 10 things that sound dirty at Thanksgiving but aren't...10. "Talk about a huge breasts!"
9. "It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?"
8. "Don't play with your meat."
7. "Just spread the legs open & stuff it in."
6. "I didn't expect everyone to come at once!"
5. "You still have a little bit on your chin."
4. "How long will it take after you stick it in?"
3. "You'll know it's ready when it pops up."
2. "That's the biggest one I've ever seen!"
1. "How long do I beat it before it's ready?"
A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:
"Next time you think you're perfect, try walking on water."
What do you like best about me....
I asked my wife the other day what she liked best about me....
"Is it my firm, trim, athletic, body? Or, rather, is it my astounding intellect?"
She replied....
"Your sense of humor, dear."
The bad news...
Albert walks in to his doctor's office for his yearly physical exam as he has done the same time every year that the can remember. The doctor takes him through all of the motions, does the normal tests and then leaves to get the results. After about 15 minutes the doctor returns with a very sad look on his face.
"Well Doc, what kind of shape am I in this time?" , Albert asks.
"Albert, I don't know what to say. The news is bad. Really bad." says the doctor.
"What is it Doc?" asks Albert.
"I hate to have to give you such bad news. I can't find the words to tell you. I really don't know what to say."
Albert, being a strong man who appreciates straight talk, tells the doctor: "Ok, don't beat around the bush. Tell me what you know. I can take it".
"Well", says the doctor, "let me put it this way. I think that you should go to Arkansas and visit the hot springs there for a nice relaxing mud bath. Spend some time soaking in the mud."
"Oh, so I need to relax a little bit, eh? Will that cure me Doc?" asks Albert.
"No Albert, it won't cure you. And it won't help you relax. But it will help you get used to being covered in dirt."
Tell Me Everything
Tell me everything you know...I have a few seconds to waste.Church Restoration Project
There was a tradesman, a painter named Jack, who was very interested in making a dollar where he could. So he often would thin down his paint to make it go a wee bit further. As it happened, he got away with this for some time. Eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration project. Jack put in a painting bid and, because his price was so competitive, he got the job. And so he started, erecting the trestles and putting up the planks, and buying the paint and thinning it down with turpentine.
Jack was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly done, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder. The sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thin paint from all over the church and knocking Jack off the scaffold to land on the lawn.
Jack was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried, "Oh, God! Forgive me! What should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty Voice spoke, "Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"
Jokes About The Irish
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!"
"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"
"I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...
Darn! There goes another one!"
Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked,
"Have I got all ye say there?"
The agent said, "Certainly ye have...Why d'ye ask?"
Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
