The best jokes (13951 to 13965)

Adventures in Disneyland

Two blondes were on their way to Disneyland and came to a fork in the road. The sign read: "Disneyland Left."

So they went home.

Redneck Divorce

Q: What do a tornado and a redneck divorce have in common?

A: In the end, someone is going to lose a trailer.

dead snake

What is the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead lawyers in the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

Signs You Have a Han

1. You'd rather have a pencil driven through your retina than be exposed to sunlight.

2. Trying to gain control of the situation, you continue to tell your room to "stay still."

3. Looking at yourself in the mirror induces the same reaction as chugging a glass of fresh paint. 4. You're convinced that chirping birds are Satan's pets.

5. You set aside an entire morning to spend some quality time with your toilet.

6. You replaced the traditional praying on your knees with the more feasible praying in a fetal position.

7. The bathroom reminds you of a carnival barker shouting, "Step right up and give it whirl!" 8. All day long your motto is, "Never again."

9. You could purchase a new bike just by recycling the bottles around your bed.

10. Your natural response to "Good morning," is "Shut up!"

Louis C.K.: Working in Fast Food

The guy came up to me, my manager, the first day and said, I want you to go to all the tables, scrape the gum off with a butter knife. And I was thinking, Im not doing that. Im definitely not doing it. But I thought, why just say, No! The hell with you! and get fired? Thats boring. Instead I said to him, Yeah, OK. Ill do it. Then, I didnt do it, and he came up to me later: Did you scrape the gum off the tables? I was like, Oh, yeah, of course I did, sure. And later, he comes up, he goes, You didnt scrape the gum off the tables? Im like, Ah! No. Damn. Are you gonna do it? Yeah, of course Im gonna do it. Three days later, I got fired. I got paid for three days.

Scary Collection 07

A witch joke
Why did the stupid witch keep her clothes in the fridge?
She liked to have something cool to slip into in the evenings!

A cannibal joke
What happened when the cannibals ate a comedian?
They had a feast of fun!

A ghost joke
What do you call a ghost's mother and father?
Transparents!

A vampire joke
Who plays centre forward for the vampire football team?
The ghoulscorer!

A witch joke
Why did the witch give up fortune telling?
There was no future in it!

A Halloween joke
Why was everyone tickled by the fried chicken at the Halloween party?
Because the feathers were still on the chicken!

A witch joke
What did the doctor say to the witch in hospital?
With any luck you'll soon be well enough to get up for a spell!

Buddhist Vacuum

Q: Why can't Buddhists vacuum in the corners?
A: No attachments.
- Joke shared by Beliefnet member Barrybear47

Hamburger

A man walks into a hamburger shop and orders a regular meal. Later, the waitress brings his meal to him. He takes a bite out of it, and notices there's a small hair in the hamburger. He begins yelling frantically at the waitress, "Waitress, there's a hair in my hamburger! I demand to see what is going on!"
So, the waitress takes him back where the cook is and to his demise, he sees the cook take the meat patty and flatten it under his arm pit. He says, "That's disgusting!"
Then the waitress says, "You think that's disgusting you should see him make donuts."

What sort of television progra...

What sort of television programmes do ducks like?
Duckumentaries

Harassment?

Do you know what sexual harassment is?

It's when a man talks dirty to a woman.

What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man?

$3.99 a minute.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kic...

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' butt. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

The government bill to ban alc...

The government bill to ban alcohol was met by a chorus of booze.

Calling Technical Support

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Ring... Ring... Ring... Ring...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. All of our

technicians are currently busy helping people who are even

less competent than you, so please hold for the next

available technician. The waiting time is now estimated at

between fifteen minutes and eternity.

In order to expedite your call, please punch your 58-digit

product identification number on to your telephone, followed

by your product serial number, which can be found in a secret

compartment inside your computer where, for security

purposes, it is printed in the smallest typeface possible to

prevent being seen. Please note that you made need a size 11

3/4 torx screwdriver which may only be available from your

original equipment manufacturer.

Do that NOW!

Thank you again for calling Technical Support. We recommend

that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it on at

some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM

disks, computer manuals and original packing materials in

order to allow the technician to aid you in the unlikely

event that he ever gets to your call.

If you were an inconsiderate jerk -- we mean forgetful

customer -- and threw away your original packing materials,

please call the company that sent you the computer and ask

them to resend you the empty box with the plastic bubbles,

fake popcorn and the wasted paper advertising that they

recycle. We will hold your place in line on the phone while

you wait for your boxes to be delivered. (yeah right !) ...

It would also be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing

while explaining your problem to the technician. Shouting

obscene threats will cause you to be immediately disconnected

and blackballed from further communication with Technical

Support, not only from ours but that of every other

electronics-related firm in the industrialized world. (we

all talk you know)...

Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. In order

to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful to

know more about you and your equipment. Have you called

Technical Support before? If you have, please press the

numeral "one" on your telephone touch pad.

If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, using

the letters on your touch pad, spell out the phrase: "I am

confused and despondent and quickly losing the will to live."

Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make

arrangements to sell your computer because by the time the

technician takes your call, it will be obsolete, and you will

be too senile to use it anyway. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Unfortunately, all

of our technicians just went out for lunch. This means that

to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may

now add at least another two hours.

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Before talking to

the technician about your problem and risking the possibility

that you may be wasting his valuable time, please ask

yourself the following questions: 1. If my monitor screen is

dark, is it possible I have forgotten to plug in my computer?

2. Have I exhausted every possible means of help before

utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? 3.

Have I sent a fax to Fast Fax Technical Support? 4. Have I

consulted my manual? 5. Have I read the Read-Me notice on

the floppy disk? 6. Have I called up my know-it-all geek

cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing

for me in under five minutes? 6. Have I given the central

processing unit of my computer a good, solid whack?

If you can not honestly answer "yes" to all these questions,

please get off the line immediately so that our overworked

technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose

suffering is so much greater than yours. You must be really

be so bored that you have to call technical support just to

have someone to speak to about geek stuff. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. You may not be

aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number

of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase, such as

the best-selling Porn Doubler, which allows you to access

erotic material from the Internet twice as fast. If you

would like to hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes!

Yes! Yes!" into the telephone now. This will not cause you to

lose your place in line for Technical Support; in fact it may

jump you ahead of several other callers. ...

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our System has been

overloaded, and unfortunately you have lost your place in

line. Please push "one" if you would like to be connected

again to technical Support

1

Thank you for calling Technical Support. Our electronic

sensors indicate that you are about to slump over and die

from a massive frustration attack combined with severe

dehydration from lack of food and water. Before doing so,

please take a moment to place your telephone receiver back in

its base and switch off your computer so as not to wear down

its internal battery.

As a non-living person, you will have no further need of

Technical Support and so we regretfully must remove you from

our list of registered product users.

Remember, we valued your patronage and were happy to serve

your needs. Do not -hesitate to have your heirs or

beneficiaries contact us should any further technical

problems arise.

Comparing Men to Dogs

How Dogs and Men Are the Same<

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning

3. Both mark their territory

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches

7. Neither does any dishes

8. Both fart shamelessly

9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut

10. Both like dominance games

11. Both are suspicious of the postman

12. Neither understands what you see in cats

How Dogs Are Better Than Men

1. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public

2. Dogs miss you when you're gone

3. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong

4. Dogs admit when they're jealous<

5. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out

6. Dogs do not play games with you, except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw.)

7. You can train a dog

8. Dogs are easy to buy for

9. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, really, the worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it and you can kill the one that gives it to you).

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

11. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

The almonds....

A priest decides one day to visit one of his elderly parishoners, Mrs. Smith. He rings the door bell and Mrs. Smith appears. "Good day, Mrs. Smith. I just thought I would drop by and see how you are doing."

"Oh just fine Father, come on in, and we'll have some tea."

While sitting a the coffee table, the priest notices a bowl of almonds on the table. "Mind if I have one?" the priest says.

"Not at all, have as many as you like."

After a few hours, the priest looks at his watch and alarmed at how long he has been visting, says to Mrs. Smith, "Oh my goodness, look at the time. I must be going. Oh, but dear me, I have eaten all your alomonds. I'll have to replace them the next time I visit."

Mrs. Smith replied, "Oh don't bother Father. Ever since I lost all my teeth, it's all I can do just to lick the chocolate off them."