The best jokes (14101 to 14115)

Top 20 UK Christmas jokes of 2021

Annual UKTV channel Gold poll. 2000 Brits voted their favourite festive gags, these are top 20.

20. What is Coleen Rooney's favourite Christmas game?
A: Guess Who.

19. Q: What pantomime are the government doing this year?
A: Chris Whittington.

18. Q: Why does Jackie Weaver control the weather at Christmas?
A: She has snow authority.

17. Q: Why will Keir Starmer be sad on Christmas morning?
A: He'll still have no presence.

16. Q: Which 'Friends' character nearly missed the 2021 Reunion Show due to the Test and Trace app?
A: Chandler Ping.

15. Q: Which vaccine did the Three Wise Men have?
A: The Wiser Jab.

14. Q: Why does Emma Raducanu get to carry the crystal glasses at Christmas dinner?
A: They know she's unlikely to drop a set.

13. Q: Why did Matt Hancock have to buy his aide really expensive Christmas presents?
A: She had him up against a wall.

12. Q: Why are we only having broccoli, cabbage and peas as veg this Christmas?
A: Because 52% of the family said no to Brussels.

11. Q: Why does Christmas scrabble take so long with Boris Johnson?
A: He keeps going back on his word.

10. Q: Why can Netflix afford calamari at Christmas?
A: They're Squids in.

9. How do you know the heating bill for December is too high?
A: Dad won't even let you open the windows on your advent calendar.

8. Q: Why didn't Santa replace Comet and Cupid when they left to become HGV drivers?
A: It was just two deer.

7. Q: Why did Rudolph's nose have to self-isolate?
A: It failed the lateral glow test.

6. Q: Which vaccine did Father Christmas get?
A: Mince Pfizer.

5. Q: Which relative will not be at Chris Whitty's Christmas dinner?
A: Aunty Vaxxer.

4. Q: What's Piers Morgan's favourite Christmas song?
A: Walking off on air.

3. Q: Why won't Jeff Bezos, Elon Musk and Richard Branson see each other this Christmas?
A: They all want space.

2. Q: Why is Christmas dinner vegan this year?
A: Because Turkey is on the red list but vegetables are all green.

1. Q: Why are people cutting back on Brussels sprouts this Christmas?
A: The cost of gas is too high.

If Jesus had weighed 450 pound

If Jesus had weighed 450 pounds, would the Bible have started “In the biggening…”?

A couple are playing in the an

A couple are playing in the annual golf club championship. They are playing in a play off hole and it is down to a 6 inch putt that the wife has to make. She takes her stance and her husband can see her trembling. She putts and misses, they lose the match.
On the way home in the car her husband is fuming, "I can't believe you missed that putt! That putt was no longer than my 'willy'."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled and said, "Yes dear, but it was much harder!"

Three Texans were in a bar thr

Three Texans were in a bar throwing back a few, while they were discussing the meaning of life. The conversation grew deeper and deeper when one of the gents started talking about reincarnation. The trio started considering the possibility of the existence of this phenomenon and what each would prefer to come back as given the choice.
The first cowboy said, "Well I think if I had my 'druthers I'd come back as a big Brahman bull."
The other two contemplated this choice and inquired as to why a bull.
"Well," he said, "If I was a bull all I would have to do would be to lie around, eat and sleep all day. My women would be brought to me, and my owner would be paid for my services. That seem like a pretty good life to me."
His two buddies both agreed that sounded like a good way to go through life, but one thought he could improve on it. He said, "I'd rather come back as a range bull."
"A range bull, why a range bull?"
"Well," he said, "If I was a range bull it would be much the same as the life Leroy was talkin' 'bout. All I would have to do all day is lie around, eat and sleep, but I wouldn't have no fences to hold me back, and I would have my choice of all the women on the range. That seems like the best life to me."
Leroy nodded in agreement.
Just then ol' Charlie spoke up. "Naw," he said as he shook his head, "Ya'll got it all wrong. I'd rather come back as a whale."
"A whale, why in tarnation would you want to come back as a whale?" They were amazed at Charlie's statement.
Charlie just grinned and said, "Can you imagine having a seven foot tongue and bein' able to breathe out of the top of your head?"

Miss Annabell had just returne

Miss Annabell had just returned from her big trip to New York City and was having refreshments on the front porch of her daddy's mansion with her southern belle friends. She tells them the stories of her trip as they stare spellbound. "You just wouldn't believe what they have there in New York City," says Miss Annabell. "They have men there who kiss other men on the lips."
Miss Annabell's friends fan themselves and say, "Oh my! Oh my!"
"They call them homosexuals," proclaims Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my," proclaim the girls as they fan themselves.
"They also have women there in New York City who kiss other women on the lips!"
"Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls. "What do they call them?" they ask.
"They call them lesbians," says Miss Annabell.
"They also have men who kiss women between the legs, there in New York City," sighs Miss Annabell.
"Oh my! Oh my! Oh my," exclaim the girls as the sit on the edge of their chairs and fan themselves even faster.
"What do they call them?" they ask in unison.
Miss Annabell leans forward and says in a hush, "Why when I caught my breath, I called him Precious."

Two guys are talking about the

Two guys are talking about their boss's upcoming wedding.
One says, "It's ridiculous, he's rich, but he's 93 years old, and she's just 26! What kind of a wedding is that?"
The other says, "Well, we have a name for it in my family."
"What do you call it?"
"We call it a football wedding."
The first asks, "What's a football wedding?"
The other says, "She's waiting for him to kick off!"

If you laid out all the painki

If you laid out all the painkillers in one big field, it would take up many achers of space.

The racing-car driver picked u

The racing-car driver picked up a girl after a race, went home with her and took her to bed. He fell asleep only to be awakened suddenly when she smacked him in the face.
"What's the matter? Didn't I satisfy you when we screwed?" he asked.
"It was after you fell asleep that got you into trouble," said the angry woman. "In your sleep, you felt my tits and mumbled, 'What perfect headlights.' Then you felt my thighs and murmured, 'what a smooth finish.'"
"What's wrong with that?" asked the driver.
"Nothing, but then you felt my pussy and yelled, 'who the hell left the garage door open?'"

Still perspiring with fear, th

Still perspiring with fear, the hunter told the friend back at camp, "Here I was with this thirteen-foot grizzly hot on my tail, snorting hard and out for blood. My gun was out of ammo, and the only refuge in sight was a tree whose lowest branch was twenty feet of the ground."
"Do you mean to say that you actually managed to jump up and grab that branch?"
"On my way down," the shaken hunter replied.

Hamlet Who

"Daddy, who was Hamlet?"
"Bring me the Bible you ignoramus and I will show you who he was."

The Designated Canine

While taking their dog on a road trip, a family carries his drinking water in a gin bottle. On one occasion they stopped for lunch and let him out of the car. Pouring some water from the bottle into his bowl, the husband noticed a man watching with fascination.
The man slowly approached the family and whispered, "I hope that you're not going to let that dog drive!"

A Yogi Walked into a Pizza Parlor…

What did the Yogi say when he walked into the Zen Pizza Parlor?"Make me one with everything."When the Yogi got the pizza, he gave the proprietor a $20 bill. The proprietor pocketed the bill. The Yogi said "Don't I get change?"The proprietor said, "Change must come from within."

Yuppie Farmer

A yuppie moved to the country and bought a piece of land. He went to the local feed and livestock store and told the proprietor he was going to take up chicken farming. He then asked to buy 100 chicks.
"That's a lot of chicks," commented the proprietor.
"I mean business," the city slicker replied.
A week later the yuppie was back again. "I need another 100 chicks," he said.
"Boy, you are serious about this chicken farming," the man told him.
"Yeah," the yuppie replied: "If I can iron out a few problems."
"Problems?" asked the proprietor.

"Yeah," replied the yuppie: "I think I planted that last batch too close together."

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

Carrot jokes

It is International Carrot Day! Have a carrot!

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

Why did the carrot get an award?
Because it was outstanding in its field!

Why do carrots never start a fight?
Because they always turnip the beet!

What do you call a carrot that insults other vegetables?
A veggie-taunter!

You Matter

You matter...
Until you multiply yourself by the square of the speed of light.
Then you energy.