The best jokes (14101 to 14115)

One day in Contract Law class,...

One day in Contract Law class, Professor Jepson asked one of his better students, 'Now if you were to give someone an orange, how would you go about it?'

The student replied, 'Here's an orange.'

The professor was livid. 'No! No! Think like a lawyer!'

The student then recited, 'Okay, I'd tell him, 'I hereby give and convey to you all and singular, my estate and interests, rights, claim, title, claim and advantages of and in, said orange, together with all its rind, juice, pulp, and seeds, and all rights and advantages with full power to bite, cut, freeze and otherwise eat, the same, or give the same away with and without the pulp, juice, rind and seeds, anything herein before or hereinafter or in any deed, or deeds, instruments of whatever nature or kind whatsoever to the contrary in anywise notwithstanding...'

Do cowards like eating...

Do cowards like eating ‘fraid chicken?

Operating Room

Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?"
The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous."
The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze."
The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?"
The first kid says, "A circumcision."
"Whoa!" the second kid replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."

A daughter who was concerned t...

A daughter who was concerned that her elderly mother hadn't had an exam in several years persuaded her mother to let her make an appointment for an exam with her doctor. She invited her to spend the night and offered to drive her to the appointment with lunch afterward.

On the day of the exam, they went together to the doctor's office and while the daughter waited in the lobby the mother nervously undressed, climbed up on the table, and, with the nurse's assistance, slid her heels into the stirrups.

The doctor came in, greeted her pleasantly, then settled onto his stool. "My aren't we FANCY today!" he exclaimed as he lifted the sheet draped over the old lady's upraised knees.

Shocked, she had no idea what the doctor meant. When the exam was over, she hurriedly got dressed and rushed out to meet her daughter in the waiting room.

In a panic, she repeated what the doctor said. "What in the world do you think he meant by that?" the mother asked, bewildered.

"I have no idea, Mother. What did you do to prepare for the exam?"

"Well, I showered, and I used some of that feminine deodorant spray in your bathroom," the mother replied.

There was a slight pause as she looked her mother in the eye. "I don't HAVE any feminine deodorant spray, Mother."

"Yes you do-that tall pink-and-gold can."

"Mother! That's not deodorant. That's gold glitter hairspray!"

Good news...bad news....

The doctor took his patient into the room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."

The patient said, "Give me the good news."

The doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."

Merv was in a terrible acciden...

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way. One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called Plexus Communications. After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright. But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and quickly set out to hire someone who could do that for him.
The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. At the end of the interview, Merv asked him, "Do you notice anything different about me?" And the gentleman answered, "Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears." Merv got very angry and threw him out.
The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. He asked her the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?" and she replied: "Well, you have no ears." Merv again was upset and tossed her out.
The third and last interview was the best of all three. It was with a very young man who was fresh out of college. He was smart. He was handsome. And he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Merv was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: "Do you notice anything different about me?" And to his surprise, the young man answered: "Yes. You wear contact lenses."
Merv was shocked, and said, "What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?"
The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, "Well, it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no ears!"

Two boy scouts went on a natur...

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills picking hickory nuts. Along the way, they filled their small pails and then started to fill their pockets and shirts. When they could hold no more nuts, they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. The boys decided that would be a good place to stop and rest and divide out the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets by dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process, two of them rolled away and rested near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide out the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were doing this, another boy was passing by and happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery, but could not see the boys because they were obscured by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to town.

"Father! Father!" he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!"

"What's the matter?" his father asked.

"No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!"

The boy and his father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stopped at the side of the road and all fell silent for a few moments. Then the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Do you hear that?" he whispered.

Both people listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you..."

The boy then blurted out, "The devil and the Lord are dividing the souls!"

The father was skeptical but silent -- until a few moments later as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts and one Scout said to the other, "Now, as soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."

Great To Be A Woman

Reason's why it's great to be a woman

1. Free drinks.
   
2. Free dinners.
   
3. Free movies.
   
4. Speeding ticket? What's that?
   
5. New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
   
6. If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.
   
7. If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.
   
8. You can sleep your way to the top.
   
9. You can sue the President for sexual harassment.
   
10. It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.
    
11. No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.
    
12. Brad Pitt.
    
13. No one passes out when you take off your shoes.
    
14. Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.
    
15. If you forget to shave, no one has to know.
    
16. If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
    
17. You have the ability to dress yourself.
    
18. If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.
    
19. You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.
    
20. You can quickly end any fight by crying.
    
21. Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.
    
22. There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.
    
23. You've never had a goatee.
    
24. You'll never regret piercing your ears.
    
25. You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
    
26. You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
    
27. You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.
    

Hilarious jokes-Retiring Accountant

One day in New York City, a ba...

One day in New York City, a banker was driving his new Jaguar down the streets. He parked it and opened the door to get out. Suddenly a taxi went by and ripped the door off. The driver reported this to a nearby police officer. The officer saw the whole thing and said "You bankers are so involved in your possessions. You didn't even notice that your arm was ripped off as well" The banker stared at where his arm used to be and said "OH NO! My new Rolex is gone too!"

Lightbulb Joke Collection 10

Q: How many IBM PC owners does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he'll have to go out and buy the light bulb adaptor card first, which is extra.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None - it will be fined (fixed ?) in the next version.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 586 of them, and it will take them a year from the moment you convince them that the lightbulb is not functioning per the spec.
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three. One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the ladder....
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Hmmm... I ran a simulation and got 0.9999999997 pentium designers...
Q: How many Pentium designers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 1.99904274017, but that's close enough for non-technical people.
Note: This refers to the bug recently found in the Pentium. Under circumstances during division the floating point unit loses one bit at the end, thus reducing the accuracy. Intel has known about this bug for a few months but didn't admit to it until users found out about it and made it public. Now they downplay the severity of the bug by saying that it reduces the accuracy only very little and that it occurs only very rarely. In one statement they said that `only theoretical mathematicians' will ever notice it and that non-technical people will not suffer from it.)

Office jokes-Committee Rules

Committee Rules
Never arrive on time, or you will be stamped a beginner.
Don't say anything until the meeting is half over; this stamps you as being wise.
Be as vague as possible; this prevents irritating the others.
When in doubt, suggest that a subcommittee be appointed.
Be the first to move for adjournment; this will make you popular - it's what everyone is waiting for.

Sitting down is something I Sitting down is something I chairish.

#joke #short

Three old ladies are sitting i...

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things.

One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down."

The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just waken up!"

The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock on wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?!"

Bridal Suite…

Every year on their wedding anniversary my boss, Woody, and his wife celebrated by staying at the same resort hotel. On their 25th anniversary they booked their usual room. But when the hotel's bell captain escorted them upstairs, they were in for a big surprise. “There must be some mistake,” Woody said. “This looks like the bridal suite.”

“It's okay,” the bell captain reassured him. “If I put you in the ballroom, that doesn't mean you have to dance.”