The best jokes (14476 to 14490)

In honor of Chuck Norris, all ...

In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

...

SciFi Answerphone Me

STAR TREK / STAR WARS ANSWERING MACHINE MESSAGES

Bridge, Kirk here.

Starship Enterprise, Uhura here, can you hold please? -- Captain, there is a transmission coming in on hailing frequency seven, do you want it on screen?

(Star Trek theme in the background:) (Voice 1:) Room 17, the final frontier. (Voice 2:) These are the messages of Chad's answering machine. Its two semester mission: To seek out your name and your telephone number. (Voice 3:) To boldly inform you to wait for the tone.

Thank you for calling Starfleet Command. No starships are in the quadrant at this time, so at the sound of the subspace tone, tell us your name, the planet you are calling from, and how many Klingons are attacking.

(Bad imitations:) Picard: Assume standard orbit, Mr. LaForge. Sensor readings, Lieutenant? Worf: Scanning, Captain... Strange... No life-forms. Picard: Recommendations, Mr. Data? Data: Intriguing, Captain. Perhaps we should simply leave a message.

(Borg voice:) WE ARE BORG. RESISTANCE IS FUTILE. YOUR PHONE CALL, AS IT HAS BEEN, IS NOW OVER. YOUR MESSAGE WILL BE ASSIMILATED AT THE BEEP. But we're not home right now. So leave a message and we'll assimilate you later. (or) Borg communications router. Unit addressed unavailable. Hails are irrelevant. Messages are irrelevant. You are irrelevant. Nonetheless, leave message if you wish. Wait for indicative, high frequency, acoustic spike... (Background:) Error, error! Wishes are irrelevant. Acoustic spikes are irrelevant.

(Chekov's voice:) Oh Keptin! It was Khan! He made us do things... Say things we did not vant to say... But we vere strong, Keptin! Ve held out until ve heard the beep...

Hello, you've reached 555-1312, the Apartment at the End of the Universe. Please leave your message, name and number at the sound of the tone. Keep your hands, feet, extremities, and obscenities inside the car at all times. Enjoy your ride.

(Darth Vader voice:) Speak, worm!

Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

A bubble in the space-time continuum has connected your line to a channeler in the 23rd century. Any message you leave will be broadcast into the future.

You have reached the offices of the planet Zarton. All our agents are busy undermining the governments of the Earth and cannot come to phone at the moment. However, your name and number can be left at the tone and a representative will gladly contact you shortly to arrange for your assimilation into the new order. Long groblint the ultimate blenstron.

Steve has been captured by a flying saucer and can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave your name, phone number, and a message, I'll have him call you back as soon as he gets away. Read all about it in next week's National Enquirer.

Hello, this is Jim. Unfortunately I can't answer the phone right now because I've just come back from the Mirror Worlds and I'm still made up of antimatter, so if I were to pick up the phone right now, the resulting energy release would make Hiroshima look like a wet firecracker. So leave a message at the tone and I'll get back to you as soon as my component particles have been restored to their normal charges.

Religious Symbols on the Rocks

Three children were talking about their religions.
"I'm a Catholic," said one, "And our symbol is the cross."
"I'm Jewish," said the second, "And our symbol is the Star of David."
The third child said, "I'm a Unitarian Universalist and our symbol is a candle in a cocktail glass!"

Research Bush

A researcher called G. W. Bush house in Austin.
G. W was sleeping in late and was awaken by the call.
He was half-asleep when he answered the phone.
Researcher: Excuse me, sir. I'm conducting a survey
GW Bush: Questions? No political questions.
Reseacher: Political, sir?
GW Bush: Do you know who you are calling?
Researcher: We call numbers at random, sir. May I ask --
GW Bush: What is this about?
Researcher: We are asking people do they think COKE beats PEPSI.
GW BUSH: I've never tried Pepsi. Is that a new thing?

Funny kids jokes-Nickel

Q: What do you call 13 bunn...

Q: What do you call 13 bunnies in a row, hopping backwards?

A: A receding hairline!!!!!!

You got mail

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive

blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to

the mail box.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the

house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to

the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again.

Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out

again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it

closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked

her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer

keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"

Rejecting Pick-up Lines...

Rejecting Pick-up Lines

Guy: "Haven't we met before?"
Gal: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the V.D. Clinic."

Guy: "So, wanna go back to my place?"
Gal: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"

Guy: "Want to Dance?"
Gal: "No, thank you."
Guy: "Don't thank me, thank God somebody asked you."

Guy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"
Gal: "It's in the phone book."
Guy: "But I don't know your name."
Gal: That's in the phone book too.

Guy: "So what do you do for a living?"
Gal: "Female impersonator."

Guy: "How do you like your eggs in the morning?"
Gal: "Unfertilized, go away!"

A graying man in his 60's approaches a twenty-something with "Where have you been all my life?" She took one glance at him and said, "For the first half of it, I probably wasn't born yet."

Two young dudes are striding down the street and one glances at a girl who has just walked by. She turns around and sneers at him, "What are you looking at?" His friend comes to the rescue: "He thought you were good looking. Man, was he was mistak

Gal:"Sorry, I don't date outside my species."

Guy: "Hey, come on, we're both here at this bar for the same reason!"
Gal: "Yeah! Let's pick up some chicks!"

The Plane Is Crashing Into The Ocean

Flight fifty has a pretty rough time above the ocean. Suddenly a voice comes over the intercom: "Ladies and gentlemen, please fasten your seat belts and assume crash positions. We have lost our engines and we are trying to put this baby as gentle as possible down on the water".
"Oh stewardess! Are there any sharks in the ocean below?" asks a little old lady, terrified.
"Yes, I'm afraid there are some. But not to worry, we have a special gel in the bottle next to your chair designed especially for emergencies like this. Just rub the gel onto your arms and legs".
"And if I do this, the sharks won't eat me any more?" asks the little lady.
"Oh, they will eat you all right, only they won't enjoy it so much".

A Vicks Rub

Mr. ...

A Vicks Rub

Mr. Combs had a furniture store specializing in ornate antiques in the baroque style. He had pneumonia last month but was at the store anyway. He was in one of the baroque style chairs rubbing Vicks Vaporub on his aching chest when he serendipitously discovered that the soothing ointment gave the furniture a wonderful, deep, rich shine.

He immediately told the other furniture store owners since their furniture was more modern in style and they were not competitors. Soon he got reports that the Vicks treatment not only failed to work on the modern furniture, but ruined some of it. Mr. Combs is very unpopular now, and his only consolation is that he learned one important rule:

If it ain't baroque, don't Vicks it.

Mr. Briggs looked towards his ...

Mr. Briggs looked towards his secretary who was absorbed in painting her fingernails.
“Miss Smith,” he said, “I’d like to compliment you on your work- but when are you going to do any?”

The first manual transmission ...

The first manual transmission cars were make shift.

The Milkman

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk. When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"
The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

A man came home drunk at four ...

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman.

"No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD!"

She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar.

"Hello," she said, "I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold?"

To which she heard the bartender say, "Hey, Clarence, I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone!"