The best jokes (14806 to 14820)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14806 to 14820. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
A young man was walking throug...
A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on.
Finally he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son, who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said, "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Good bye, Mother'? It would make me feel so much better." "Sure," answered the young man.
As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye, Mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50.
"How can that be?" He asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.
Funny jokes-Spanish lessons
"Say," said Dewey, "Ah hurd yew and yore wife is goin' ta night school ta take Spanish lessons. How cum?"
"Uh huh," answered Odell. "We went and adopted us a little Mexican baby, and we wanna be able ta understand him when he gets old enough ta talk!"
Clean jokes funny-The Piano tuner
So he asked around, and was told that Earl Opporknockity was the best piano tuner in the area. The man called Earl and hired him to tune his piano.
Earl had a keen ear and a deft touch, and did a wonderful job tuning the old piano. The man was able to play beautiful music once again, and was very pleased.
After a year or so the old piano started producing sour notes again. So the man called Earl, and asked him to come work his magic on the old piano again.
To the man's surprise, Earl refused, saying "Sorry, I can't accept the job."
"Why not?" the man wanted to know. "I'll pay you twice as much as last time if you'll just come tune my piano."
"Haven't you heard?" Earl asked, "Opporknockity only tunes once."
Martin had just received his b...
Martin had just received his brand new driver's license.The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.
"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.
"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
Chuck Norris wrote all the Cho...
Chuck Norris wrote all the Choose Your Own Adventure books under pen names to hide the fact that they are autobiographical.Boogers and spinach
What is the differance between boogers and spinach?
You can't get your kids to eat spinach.
Snail visits bar
The landlord of a pub, is just locking up, when there's a ring on the doorbell.He opens the door, and there's a snail sitting there. "What do you want?" asks the landlord.
The snail replies that he wants a drink.
"Go away, we're closed, and we don't serve snails anyway".
The snail pleads and pleads with the barman to give it a drink, at which the landlord gets fed up, kicks the snail and slams the door.
..... Exactly one year later, he's locking up again, and there's a ring at the doorbell. The landlord opens the door, and looks down to see a snail sitting there. "What do you want" says the landlord.
"What did you do that for" says the snail.
Six guys were playing poker wh...
Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.Knock Knock Collection 192
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Weirdo!
Weirdo who?
Weirdo you think you're going!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Welcome!
Welcome who?
Welcome up and see me sometime!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wendy!
Wendy who?
Wendy come to take you away I won't stop them!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wes!
Wes who?
Wes Side Story!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wheelbarrow!
Wheelbarrow who?
Wheelbarrow some money and go on holiday!
Not Quite Ready for Society
A man who had been in a mental institution for some yearsfinally improved to the point where it was thought he might
be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution
decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to
interview him first.
"Tell me," said the doctor, "if we release you, as we are
considering, what do you plan to do with your life?"
The inmate said, "It would be wonderful to get back to real
life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my
former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it
was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to
put
me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in
pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less
difficult and stressful."
"Wonderful," said the psychiatrist.
"Or else," continued the patient, "I might teach. There is
something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding
the knowledge of young people."
"Definitely," said the psychiatrist.
"Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books
on science, or I may even write a novel based on my
experiences in the psychiatric institution."
"Another interesting possibility," agreed the doctor.
"And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can
always continue to be a teakettle."
Doctor visit...
A man and his wife were making their first doctor visit prior to the birth of their first child. After everything checked out, the doctor took a small stamp and stamped the wife's stomach with indelible ink.
The couple was curious about what the stamp was for, so when they got home, he dug out his magnifying glass to try to see what it was. In very tiny letters, the stamp said, "When you can read this, come back and see me."
Yo Mama Is So Flat
yo mama is so flat that they call her chest the great plainsIrish Laughs
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here."Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said, "I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through."
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said, "Who are you??"
Mrs. Riley replied, "I am the devil!"
With that, Riley shook her hand and said, "Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister."
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.
"Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you."
"If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind."
