The best jokes (14821 to 14835)The best jokes rated by site visitors. Top rated jokes. These are the best jokes rated 14821 to 14835. NOTE jokes sometimes might seem not to be in order. Due to better performance joke top list is refreshed only once daily. |
Mike Vecchione: Gun Is Like a Penis
Having a gun, lets face it guys, is a lot like having a penis, I think. You got to keep it concealed. And if you wave it in a womans face, chances are shell call the cops.Women and Men...
WOMENWomen are honest, loyal, and forgiving. They are smart, knowing that knowledge is power. But they still know how to use their softer side to make a point.
Women want to be the best for their family, their friends, and themselves. Their hearts break when a friend dies. They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
A woman can make a romantic evening unforgettable.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes. They live in homes, apartments and cabins. They drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin! Women do more than just give birth. They bring joy and hope. They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends. And all they want back is a hug, a smile and for you to do the same to people you come in contact with.
MEN
Men are good at lifting heavy stuff and killing spiders.
Wanda Sykes: Tiger Woods
As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament. Oh, OK -- 50/50: hes 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, Im flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, Tiger Woods is a quarter black, and Im like, Damn, hes down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? Theyre treating him like hes milk.
Are Rolaids b...
Are Rolaids banned in the Paralympics?Kyle Kinane: Always a Miracle
Im in my 30s; everybodys having kids or miracles. Oh, its a miracle. Its always a miracle. Im like, You had sex, right? Yeah? Then no, thats exactly whats supposed to happen from that. I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is whats happening. I call it a miracle when the girl doesnt get pregnant. Thats when I start getting spiritual. Church Bulletin Bloopers
Ralphie May - Dora the Explorer
Have you seen this show? If you havent, its about a five-year-old little Mexican girl thats always lost. It should be called Dora the Amber Alert.Jeff Dunham: Sex Life of the Elderly
Jeff: I had grandparents that were well into their 80s and still were having fun.Walter: Their 80s? The hell kind of sex is that? Was it good for you? I dont remember. It was three minutes ago!, Who are you?!?.
Fifty years from now....
Three elderly people were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.
"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business,'" declared the first man.
"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man.'"
Turning to the third one, a lady, he asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"
"Me?" the third one replied. "I want them to say, 'She certainly looks good for her age.'"
revenge
once there was a man and a woman who decided that it was time for them to take their relationship a step higher. It was the womans first time and she asked the man how exactly they did it. He replied that there were several ways to do it, but one of his favorites was the woman striping slowly and then the he would kiss every inch of her body including breasts, butt, inbetween the toes, fingers, eyes, and ears. Then the man would strip and she would do the same to him. The woman agreed and started to slowely take off her shirt."no no no, the man said, you have to do it while dancing a sexy dance around me."
The woman did. When she started to unbutton her pants, the man saw that she had unusually large breasts and as she leaned over they kind of popped out of her bra. She got her pants off and turned around in a circle. The man noticed that she was wearing a thong. He liked the way that she looked and also looked forward to kissing her breasts and where the thong was going. Before the woman unclipped her bra, she asked the man if he would be so kind as to keep the secret of what they were doing to himself and not tell anyone. The man agreed so that she would get it off and he could get started.
The next day at work, he told everyone he could find that one of the people that he worked with had had sex with him. (the lady he was talking about was of coarse the woman) When the lady found out, she decided to get back at him. She walked up to him and asked if he would come into the bosses office to get intamet with him. He was up to the challenge and she told him it was his turn to go first. He did and before she started kissing him, she told him to turn around. He did and she picked up his clothes and ran out.
Zach Galifianakis: Waking Up With an Erection
Guys, have you ever woken up with an erection, and then you realize youre just in a massage chair in a Brookstone? Why You So Fat?
A family is at the dinner table. The father looks at his oldest son. "Tony! Why are you so fat?"
"Pop, it's Mama's casseroles!" Tony says.
"I can't stop eating them, it's so good."
"Tony, you should take a smaller bites."
Pop says.
Then Pop looks at his middle son.
"Fred! Why are you so fat?"
"Pop, it's a Mama's roast beef," Vinny says.
"I can't stop eating it, it's so good."
"Fred, you should take a smaller bites."
Then Pop looks at his youngest son, "John! How you stay so slim and trim?"
"It's easy, Pop," John says.
"I eat a lots and lots of pussy."
"Pussy? Pussy?"
Pop says.
"That tastes like shit!"
"Pop, you should a take smaller bites."
A Collection Of Insults
When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
3K RAM free, no EMS.
A .22 caliber intellect in a .357 Magnum world.
A 10K brain attached to a 9600 baud mouth.
A 20th century man... The guy has no future.
A 3.5-inch drive, but data on punch cards.
A black-and-white mind working on a color-coded problem.
A brain like a BB in a boxcar / box of Corn Flakes.
A couple of slates short of a full roof.
A couplet short of a sonnet.
A cup and saucer short of a place setting.
A day late and a dollar short.
A deadbolt with a broken cylinder.
A doughnut short of being a cop.
A few beads short in her rosary.
Christopher Titus: Terror Alert Level
Osamas dead. Why is the terror alert elevated or imminent? Why not chill? Cant I just fly, keep my shoes on and avoid X-ray-fueled testicular cancer? 
